How do i start "That" Conversation

[Deflated1977]

I need some advice, plus i need somewhere safe to put down in words how i am feeling/dealing with my relationship. 15 years together, first few were utterly amazing, couldn't have asked for more, skip forward to now, i am totally empty and devoid of feeling. Ended up surviving on Pills and alcohol just to get through the day to fake being alive. Rehab was ok, stayed clean for 4 months, but life just got back to reality too quickly now i'm back to numbing it all out. So, my question is How do i start the We need to Talk conversation. I know sadly that i need to start fresh on my own, then i won't feel the need to numb, as i won't be trying to fake a life, I'll actually have a life. One where we're not simply stuck in a house together, counting down the hours until we can go to sleep to start it again the next day. That is our life. I am now his only being, which i find sad and suffocating. He no longer has friends near by, doesn't drive and i am his ONLY source of a life, which believe me, is draining, so much so that i now sit in the house like a zombie as i feel guilty for going out without him. Sadly like most, finances plays a huge part, as leaving is not an option. I can't afford to just start again, but i can not carry on like this, so please, if anyone has been in this position and made the change, please can you advise me on how to start the conversation.

How do you want the conversation to go? What is it that you actually want to communicate to him?

You say you stay in the house because he does and you feel guilty. Why do you need to stay home just because he does? Why can't you make your own choice about what you want your life to look like? What do you want your life to look like?

With kindness, because you're obviously struggling with it, but even if you don't feel financially able to leave, you and he can choose to live as separate people, like housemates, in the same house. How much of your current life looks as it does because you are choosing it? How would different choices make it look different?

No advice, but solidarity. I need to do the same, and tell my DH of 20 yrs I want to separate.
He's a decent human being, but a crap husband.
He's going to be completely blind-sided and not know where it's come from. But that kind of says it all, doesn't it?

What is the end goal? It's not really clear to me what resolution you are seeking. Do you want him to move out? To get counselling? Are you leaving? Do you want some changes? When the end goal is clear you can map a path to get there. I.e finances, selling house whatever.

I think the time has come to call in quits. We don't communicate anymore, just coexist. I really don't think he'll see it coming which is what worries me the most. I just want us both to be happy again, but i don't believe it can be done together. I did mention counselling in the past, but just got shut down. End goal is a new start, a place for me and our daughter to no longer tip toe on egg shells and to feel happiness. Thank you for not being judgemental, but i have no one close that i can say all this to, as friends and family have their own issues, and strangers are easier and more honest.

Ok this sounds like he is abusive if you are walking on eggshells around him and you have no life outside the house.

You are probably suffering from depression as well under the circumstances. It is good you know the situation is not right.

If you want to divulge any of the abuse you are facing that is fine, but if not then you need to get help in real life. I'm sure someone will kindly post some contact details for organisations that will help. Some help may be available locally, but only divulge a region rather than anything more identifiable.

Do you feel safe to start "The Talk" with him?

You say "leaving is not an option" but that you want a fresh start for you and your daughter. You seem a bit confused- are you asking for advice about getting your finances in order to leave?

Do you want practical advice? If so we need more details about your financial and work situation. Personally I am in favour of going into the we need to talk conversation with your plan already in place (and underway). You dont tend to need that conversation if you are dealing with a reasonable adult in the first place.

Think i'm just after a kind way to start a conversation without being hurtful and causing pain. He's not a bad man, just angry and i think that stems from living the way we do. Thanks all, i just need to bite the bullet and let him know where I stand in the relationship and deal with what happens, as i know none of us the household can keep pretending anymore.

I think you're dealing with two issues here.
As for telling your partner - If you are certain you want to separate - one of the kinder things you can do is be firm (if you mean it) Just say you feel your relationship is no longer working and you want to separate. Have a few sentences ready to explain your reasons but you don't need to prepare an essay in advance.
You also mention going back to numbing it all out. again. If you have gone back to drink and or drugs can you get some ongoing support from wherever helped you quit last time?

The practicalities of separating will all then have to be worked out afterwards - but that can take time and you will need to work out with your STBX partner what the next steps look like. (I am assuming there is no abuse in your situation as you haven't mentioned any)

In that case, I'd write down and bullet point what it is you want to communicate to him.

Use what you've written here as a starting point. It's hard when you no longer speak and it's hard because you've been ki King the can down the road for so long but now you need to just stop, stand still and pick it up.

I'd possibly start with, "John. I've been thinking about this for some time now. I'm not happy..."

Don't get drawn into arguments, ignore silly comments so you're not drawn into pointless justifications of what you are saying or explanations that will lead you down blind alleys. Don't let him deflect and distract.

Thanks again. I am currently putting something together now so that it comes out clearly, not mumbling and getting lost. Appreciate all the advice above. Felt good to say it out loud.