Advice please (mil)

[ishopthereforeiam]

MiL has been staying with us 3-4 days a week since FiL died a few months ago. She does have her own home but prefers to stay with either DH or his sibling. Occasionally she has recently started spending a day or two at her own home.

She’s always been a strong character and has little to no interests (aside from religion) and a very small group of friends. She’s also temporarily limited from leaving the house (not an illness but a religious preference).

We’ve had minor run ins in the past but I’m trying my best to be understanding and constantly bite my tongue etc (criticising my food, rearranging things in the house previously, cleaning after I’ve already cleaned, lecturing the children about Islam, telling them they should fast etc.). Sometimes I can’t bite my tongue and have said she’s welcome to make her own food or help herself from the fridge if she doesn’t like what’s for dinner (I’ve also tried to make things she likes).

Very recently DH and I thought she could teach the children Arabic as a starting point and to give her something to do which she would enjoy and would also be helpful. I was in another room and could hear raised voices so went to see what the commotion was. She seemed to be trying to teach our child the equivalent of blended sounds (phonetics) having not covered the alphabet. This was apparently DHs fault (he says). I suggested we stick with basics, the alphabet before blending etc. and as I leave the room she flicks through the book and says to DC “Oh my God. You’ve got so much to learn!” And carries on in that vein. I said maybe don’t overwhelm DC with what’s to come and stick with the alphabet for now. She starts talking over me, saying DC loves to learn. I try to explain with an analogy to which she responds “well I’d just do it anyway” and refuses to look at me flicking through the book. I asked her to please look at me while I was talking and she laughed. I left the house to avoid a confrontation. When I returned she acts like nothing happened and DH is off the forget it and move on opinion.

I don’t want to have it out with her. I don’t know what I want, perhaps just a sympathetic ear and some advice.

Please be kind. I’m at my wits’ end. It’s not about the Arabic and I’m happy to teach DC myself but I’ve not been laughed at in my face in such a rude way before.

Sounds like six of one ad half a dozen of the other. I cannot imagine telling an adult to look at me when I am speaking to them. And if you want her to teach your children something, you have to let her do it her way, or tell her that her teaching is not required.

Well, I couldn’t stick having her there 4 days a week. Not when she’s so rude and ungrateful. Would cultures issues make it difficult for you to put your foot down?

It’s time for her to spend more time in her own home. You need to get DH onside and in firm agreement with you, then he needs to speak to her about reducing the time she stays at yours.
It sounds like ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is working on both sides of this. It’s fairly normal - she is used to her own space and so are you. Time to get back to that.

She needs to stay in her own home and not come to yours acting like it’s hers. Does your dh ever take your side or is it all about his mum?

I asked her to please look at me while I was talking and she laughed

I would have laughed too. Who speaks to an adult like that? You sound controlling.

You had me at 3/4 days a week.

How long is that going to continue?

I’d be furious if someone told me to ‘look at me when I’m talking to you’!
It sounds like there’s a clash of personalities here. Maybe suggest to your DH that she spends a little less time as you’re getting on each other’s nerves?

I haven't ever said that before to anyone other than a child, but I was extremely frustrated when things were getting tense as she repeatedly talked over loudly me perhaps wrongly I did ask her to please look at me when I was trying to talk to her as I felt like she was not listening. To me it is a sign of basic respect to look at someone when trying to converse but therein lies the problem, she did not want to listen to my pov which in turn upset me. If I asked her to look at me it was because I was desperate and just wanted to be heard in my own home.

I am not sure how long 3-4 days will continue for and will need to ask DH. I haven't asked him to take sides and appreciate that it is a very difficult position for him. He is grieving and trying to care for his mother. In fact, I am constantly suggesting he do things for her to make her more comfortable if I am not able to do them myself at that time.

Thank you for those that have been understanding, it has been a very difficult time over the last few months.

Yes, there is certainly a personality clash. Perhaps I am controlling as someone suggested, perhaps I just want things how they have been for many years in our own home. It is a difficult adaptation and I have genuinely been trying my best.

I think it is time to find out when she goes home. She’s playing games now.

She is grieving her husband is only dead a few months. I think you could be a little more understanding, it must be terribly lonely for her. That doesn't excuse bad behaviour on her part.

Rather than her stay at yours could your DH stay at her house a day or so a week? That way you don't have to deal with her for long periods and your DH gets to spend time with her.

I am trying to be understanding due to the grief and have spent many hours on many days while DH is at work (out of the house from 6am - 7pm) keeping her company, chatting about FiL, talking about her childhood, her family etc. But there are times when it just gets a bit much or there is a close call to a clash and those are the times I find myself trying to escape the house.

I think I need to know how long this will continue forand if a lengthy period then perhaps he can stay with her. That's a good point and I had previously suggested it to DH.

I know it's early days in terms of grief but I am also trying to work from home, look after 2 DCs etc. and I don't think DH has had time to grieve either.