I’m annoyed that my husband is allowed life?

Respberrypachouli · 2023-04-10T21:36:45+00:00

I don’t know how to word it but it really annoys me that I need to arrange childcare to go to the bathroom but my husband is free to go and do as he pleases. We have 2 children and I used to be fine with whatever but recently getting increasingly burnt out. My DH plays footie once a week at 7pm. When youngest needs to go to bed and oldest still has an hour before bed time. He went to play golf on Saturday. Which is the whole day, he’s going out on Friday, went out 2 weeks ago. He went on a business trip for a week, went away for a weekend. I’m breastfeeding so can’t do it. I don’t have hobbies and not many friends. All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me. But recently it sends me into downward spiral thinking that I’ve completely lost my freedom and autonomy whilst he gets to do whatever whenever. Like I would wake him in the morning to help with our baby and after he’s done he can go back to bed. I once asked him why did he do it and he replies “do I have to ask for permission?”. Sorry for the long rant …

Botw1 · 10/04/2023 22:40

Well the answer is obviously to start going out.

And telling him not to go back to bed.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/04/2023 22:47

There's not much you can do while you're breastfeeding, but maybe once the baby's a bit older you could start making a life for yourself, and training him to start sharing the childcare. Plan a day out for yourself one Saturday and tell him it's your day off - visiting friends, relatives, shopping and lunching out?

Botw1 · 10/04/2023 22:49

He can do his share of childcare even if the op is breastfeeding

They dont feed 24/7.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2023 22:53

It's not going out on a whim It's that he isn't doing his fair share of parenting which means being present and supporting you since you are a literal life line for at least one baby.
Would he really be happy op if you were to equal the amount of free time? Would he really be cool with being left alone with the children that amount of time alone with no help?

pikkumyy77 · 10/04/2023 22:56

Its bullshit that he would be happy for you to go out as much as he does. He does not accept that the children are equally his responsibility. Pump and leave him with a bottle one evening a week and every sunday. He needs to be a functioning father.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 10/04/2023 23:15

Well, he can get up in the morning with the kids, and wake you to help with the baby (i.e. feed) and then as soon as that's done you hand baby back and go back to bed.

You could leave him with an expressed bottle and go off to the cinema (for a sleep) while he does tea and bedtime.

oh, and nights. Is he doing his fair share? First wake after midnight is a bottle, all his ... its not as if his day job is more important than yours, is it?

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2023 23:31

That didn't come across as a rant at all, let alone a long one.

It sounds as if you've got into a pattern where you're doing far too much, and he has not noticed how easy his life is. I notice you say you don't have hobbies or many friends - well, no wonder! You haven't given yourself time. And you must.

You absolutely could go into this all guns blazing and tell him he's being unfair. But, it sounds to be (and excuse me if I'm wrong) as if you don't feel up to that. If so, the solution is to be very direct and calm. Next Thursday, you are going out for a drink with one of these few friends; back by 10. Perhaps the Tuesday after you will want to go to a creative writing club that's just started up.

I wouldn't ask permission for any of these things - which, I think, is how you are treating it now? I'd just say 'Jane wants to meet Thursday, and I know you're in so I'll be out until 10' or 'I've been invited to this group on Tuesday; I'll be out from 6-8'. (I do know this depends how how breastfeeding is going, but I would think you could manage an hour?). If it were me, I'd be really sunny and excited, and then perhaps he'll realise how much you are looking forward to this.

If he does kick off, I would then get serious and point out that you are only looking forward to a well-deserved hour or two, when he has had whole days. You should not need to ask permission to have a tiny amount of time to yourself.

frozendaisy · 11/04/2023 00:46

Did he want children?

frozendaisy · 11/04/2023 00:51

I breastfed for ages. Our babies wouldn't take a bottle never mind a bottle from dad. Their soft breast mummy milk was missing. If you have decided as a couple to breastfeed it's not so easy for the none breast parent to take over.

But this is not the issue. Well as I see it.

Either he wants to be where you are as a family engaging in the household life,or off playing golf.

Find your boundaries and talk to him OP.

Original poster

Respberrypachouli · 11/04/2023 19:20

I guess it is correct that I need to find some boundaries and communicate what I need from him!

@SarahAndQuack thank you for this lovely reply and some god suggestions. it could be so hard to figure who you are and what you want when you have small children commandeering your attention 24/7. I found this transition from 1 to 2 a lot harder than from 0 to 1 l!

OP posts:

declutteringmymind · 11/04/2023 19:24

@SarahAndQuack I use this approach and my DH never kicks up a fuss.

I now encouraged him to go out so I can!!

OP it will do you the world of good - both being a little assertive and getting out.

SarahAndQuack · 11/04/2023 19:52

@Respberrypachouli - I'm so glad if it was useful! I only had one child so I am full of admiration for anyone with more.

@declutteringmymind - it's a good approach, isn't it?! I have a feeling I actually learned it from MN.

cptartapp · 11/04/2023 19:54

If he doesn't pull his finger out he'll quickly find himself with sole charge of two DC 24/7 half of every week if you split over this. That will curtail his social life. Remind him of that.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/04/2023 20:05

SarahAndQuack · 10/04/2023 23:31

That didn't come across as a rant at all, let alone a long one.

It sounds as if you've got into a pattern where you're doing far too much, and he has not noticed how easy his life is. I notice you say you don't have hobbies or many friends - well, no wonder! You haven't given yourself time. And you must.

You absolutely could go into this all guns blazing and tell him he's being unfair. But, it sounds to be (and excuse me if I'm wrong) as if you don't feel up to that. If so, the solution is to be very direct and calm. Next Thursday, you are going out for a drink with one of these few friends; back by 10. Perhaps the Tuesday after you will want to go to a creative writing club that's just started up.

I wouldn't ask permission for any of these things - which, I think, is how you are treating it now? I'd just say 'Jane wants to meet Thursday, and I know you're in so I'll be out until 10' or 'I've been invited to this group on Tuesday; I'll be out from 6-8'. (I do know this depends how how breastfeeding is going, but I would think you could manage an hour?). If it were me, I'd be really sunny and excited, and then perhaps he'll realise how much you are looking forward to this.

If he does kick off, I would then get serious and point out that you are only looking forward to a well-deserved hour or two, when he has had whole days. You should not need to ask permission to have a tiny amount of time to yourself.

This in spades.

I'd also take the opportunity to take your baby with you. Going off to see friends with a breastfeeding baby is much easier than a baby and a small child.

Don't ask, tell him. 'Btw, Sarah and Jane are meeting up for lunch on Saturday, I know you're in, so I'm going to take baby Dave with me, leaving child Fres with you, and meet them for a few hours'

Keep doing this!

SpecialMangeTout · 11/04/2023 20:21

All I want is some support and I really don’t want to tell him off or restrict him because I know if it was the other way around he would be happy for me.

I don’t think so.
Because if he did, he would be encouraging you to go out and do things for yourself.
Instead he is milking the fact he knows you are sort if stuck at home due to bfing. And is probably fooling himself that this is what you are want and you are happy about it.
I mean does he REALLY not see that him been away that much is creating extra work for you? Let alone the fact you never have a break yourself?

SpecialMangeTout · 11/04/2023 20:24

Btw I agree about being assertive and doing what he is doing to you.
im sure he doesn’t ask if it’s ok to go and play golf. He is telling you he is, right?
Do the same. Tell him you are going out. Don’t ask. Assume he will take over.

Oh and encourage you to leave him with the two dcs in his own for the whole day or the weekend on his own, as soon as you can.
Not just so you can have a break too.
But also because he will never respect the amount if work involved until he us actually feeling it himself.

SunflowerTed · 11/04/2023 23:05

It would be good for you to Join mum and toddler groups and make new friends xx

Itsalongtime · 12/04/2023 00:54

I guess if it were me I would have to have the discussion with him. If I didn’t like the answer then something would need to be done. I know people will say that men sometimes need it spelling out but I think that’s a load of crap. I would feel rubbish and resentful in your situation. It’s bad enough that mine gets to sleep more because I decided with his job he does need to be awake. I am resentful of that because I miss sleep so much (I have a 7 year old and 5 month old).

If mine went out like yours I’d be pissed. Some mornings I simply say you need to get up this time I need sleep today to function. Baby wakes at 4am every day. If he then said I’m off every weekend he’d probably find himself living in the shed. I do get time in the day when baby is asleep and older at school to do a little something. I respect that my partner is either at work or at home helping and doesn’t have that time so if he stops off to visit parents on the way home that’s cool. I’ve said many a time the baby is as much your responsibility as it is mine. I pass her over and do what I need to. Stop silently stewing because he won’t mind read. Communicate and if he don’t like it then he isn’t a good person or husband really.

Itsalongtime · 12/04/2023 00:56

Oh and definitely join groups so you can all vent and get some of the frustrations out even if just online. It’s always beneficial we are only human after all and it’s not always beneficial to keep venting to your partner.

lifeissweet · 12/04/2023 01:07

At the very least, he can forego some of his time out playing golf or whatever to take your older child out for some 1:1 time and leave you with just the baby to think about. Maybe sit down and suggest he does that once a week at the weekend for your sake, but also so he is doing some parenting and building a bond with his child. He is part of a family and there are 3 other people he needs to be prioritising.

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 01:38

If that's a typical month that's quite a lot of me time but is it just the way things have fallen lately? I think if you're both at home you should split chores equally. You might find that a change is as good as a rest so cherry pick some choice weekend chores like maybe doing the garden whilst he minds the kids. Include some us time too so do the weekly shop on a Wednesday teatime/evening and he can do the kids tea and bedtime and then you two can have a takeaway and 'netflix and chill'. If he's not as hands on as you this weekly Daddies tea could be fun and you won't be tempted to breath down his neck checking he's doing it right! You'll be picking up a bottle of wine.
I'm sure you can negotiate a fairer split. Breast feeding isn't for ever so tell him you need his support through this tough year.
Good luck

Ponderingwindow · 12/04/2023 02:04

does He need permission to go back to bed? Yes, he does.

I had to explain to my husband in those first few years that my world had changed. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without making sure he was watching our child. I couldn’t step outside for a minute without making sure he was watching our child. I couldn’t do anything without making sure that our child was safe and cared for.

that meant that when he was at home and available, the same rules had to apply to him. One of us was always on point and it wasn’t always going to be me, even though I was breastfeeding. There would be times when he was the default parent and I could just pop to the next room without a care in the world just like he had been doing.

he was still the only person who could easily leave and go anywhere, but at home, he could be on duty and just as alert of a parent.

bumpytrumpy · 12/04/2023 02:20

I think as the others say, you need to step back. Calmly and clearly make him default parent for definite periods. You'll probably have to leave the house first, take baby with you if under 6months.

Littleroseseverywhere · 12/04/2023 03:57

I’m in the fence here. I’m not sure if this is you want to do things or you want him to stop doing things and stay home with you. You don’t really have friends or a hobby. So even if you weren’t breast feeding would you have a social life and go out?

I think it’s fine to expect him to do his share of things,I think it’s fine for you to wish equal time to go out and do your thing. I do not find it fine if you just want him to stay home and have no social life either.