Advice needed narcissist ex partner

[Ontime]

I finished with my ex partner of 9 years, 2 months ago after finding out he has been sleeping with prostitutes. My heart has felt like it's been ripped out. I have blocked him, his entire family and friends on social media. When I found out I had a panic attack in my livingroom and had to leave my house to go to my mums. I then had to send my brother to my house with my front door key to get my ex out of my house as he refused to leave. Since then I have had loads of questions running around in my mind that I never got to ask him. Things like "how long had this been going on?" "how often?". But the biggest confusion of them is all is that my ex did not like sex, he got no pleasure from it, had erectile disfunction and is unable to ejaculate. He also saw it as a chore as opposed to enjoyment. He was also tight with his money to the point were he complained if a light was left on in an empty room. So my main question would be "why go with prostitutes when you did not like sex and hated spending money?" He is a narcissist though and loved female attention, often messaging women in work and trying to help them save money etc. None of his messages were dirty or anything as I used to read them. The question is do I demand answers to these questions. Or just try and forget and move on with my life?

Even if you got the chance to ask all these questions, would you ever be able to believe a word he tells you? I personally wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Maybe there were certain sexual practices that did get him excited and that's why he paid for them, maybe recognising that they weren't what we're considered 'normal' and why he treated 'conventional' sex within your relationship as a chore.
And if he truly is a narcissistic, he wouldn't consider spending money on something purely for himself as unreasonable. He would have felt entitled to it. Paying for extra electricity would have benefitted you too, so unreasonable. Him having control of what lights could be turned on and for how long would be totally reasonable to him.
You will never hope to understand why these type of abusive people think the way they do.
I'm sorry this has happened to you and I can only imagine how devastating it all must be, but I personally think talking things through with a therapist would serve you better than trying to get answers out of him

Through the years I tried to get him to look at nice underwear with me, go into Ann Summers, I bought a vibrator but he wouldn't even look at it or touch it. Didn't entertain me really when I wore a nice underwear set. He barely initiated sex it was mostly me. He didn't even know what lube was until I explained. He didn't like the feel of that on him either. The only way he could ejaculate is if he gave himself a really rough hand job as he had no feeling down there. I'm so confused. It's really thrown me. I've tried to get him to watch porn with me anything, but nothing. I'm wondering if he was just desperate for female attention, as in the end I gave him no affection, I couldn't bare hugging him or touching him as it got to the point where his verbal abuse and anger and days of silent treatment finally pushed me away. This was the last straw, i honestly didnt think he had it in him and im just so confused X

Do not bother seeking answers to your questions. Narcissists lie to everyone around them, including themselves.

All you will get is a series of lies, half-truths and distortions designed to make his choices in some way your fault, or abject apologies and self-flagellation that is designed to make you feel sorry for him and to go into rescuer/career mode, while minimizing the need for him to be fully accountable and make genuine amends.

The only form of closure you get will be the closure you give yourself, which is based in acknowledging and validating your own experience.

So maybe something like: “My ex is not the person he claimed to be and who I thought he was. He has treated me with a shocking lack of respect and care, and has betrayed and abused my trust and acted for reasons that I cannot begin to genuinely comprehend as they are totally outside my understandings of love, care and the commitment of marriage. His choices were entirely his own and not due to fault or deficiency on my part. There may have been red flags that for some reason I failed to see earlier, and this is the work I need to do on myself in order to heal and protect myself better in future. There is no place for a person who has treated me this way in my life and the only interaction I will have with him in future will be through lawyers to completely separate any financial entanglement we have. After that, I will move on and not allow his betrayal to occupy any more of my thoughts or affect my feelings.”

Thank-you. Luckily we weren't married and i own my own home. I gave him the engagement ring back as I was so hurt, he told me he will sell it as he needs furniture for his new flat. I bin bagged all his belongings and left them at the side of my house. I had to give him his brothers mini fridge back 2 weeks ago and the coward turned up with his mother and sister in tow to collect it. He has never apologised to my face only by whatsapp and wouldn't even look me in the eye when he collected the mini fridge. He's not once asked how my son is even though he was a step dad to him from the age of 8 years old. My son is now 17 and said he never wants to see him ever again. Me ex did threaten me with court action as he wanted to claim for half the furniture he had contributed towards over the last 9 years, but he must have been told he hasn't got a leg to stand on as he's not tried to pursue it any further. X

Frankly, you should have kept the ring, but you are doing everything else right! (Although there’s a good chance the ring won’t have been worth anything like what he claimed it was.)

As you saw, he was quick to throw a pity party for himself, and to threaten court action, but incapable of offering an apology or show of care for those his actions have affected.

That’s the only kind of closure you’ll get from him… actions that continue to reveal his true character.

Yes he's having trouble selling it apparently as it's a lab grown diamond, they won't offer him much for it. But yes all he messaged me for was for his belongings and he wanted the food back out the fridge that he paid for the day before my brother kicked him out! Cheeky get! Who would even think of that?! So self absorbed.

Yes he's having trouble selling it apparently as it's a lab grown diamond, they won't offer him much for it.

LOL, so predictable.

Hi
I can only imagine you are going through absolute torture .
I know you are desperately asking questions in your mind over and over again and this might sound hard but it is best to stop any contact with him and concentrate on your self . You deserve so , so much better than the disrespect he’s shown towards you .
You will not get an honest answer off a narcisssit and will only be left feeling confused and you’ll feel
worse because he probably doesn’t know his own reality.
They are the biggest manipulators and only show the bad side at home with their partners - you will come out of this stronger - it will take time and healing but you will do it xxxxxx
take care ❤️

He'll get fuck all for the ring, probably only what the gold is worth. I worked for a jeweller in my late teens and all jewellery (unless it's really high end stuff, I'm talking a price of at least 10K) depreciates to a quarter of it's value the minute you walk out of the jeweller's door. If you try and sell it back to them you'd get even less than that.

Oh thats good! Funnily enough before he got kicked out he'd gone halves with me on a brand new boiler and paid me £1200 towards a brand new kitchen. He's chased me for that but has got no chance of getting a penny off me!