Older kids, new partners

[Catlover100]

My kids are older teens, 19 and 15.
Their dad has a new partner who is quite a few years younger than him and has no kids, doesn't seem to be that great with them.
My two have met her on and off in the couple of years he has been seeing her but really aren't that fussed about her, to be honest, they don't really like her that much. I don't think they said that to make me feel better, before they met her they really wanted to like her, they're nice kids.
However I can see that the younger one has probably some jealousy issues surrounding it. She avoids seeing him if he is with her and doesn't like to talk about it.
The new partner is now trying to spend more time with them, inviting them to do stuff with her and their dad. The older one might if she is free but isn't fussed & says she doesn't really want to, the younger one flat doesn't want to & won't.
I have told my exH to just tell his partner to back off, they aren't little anymore, one is an adult, and I don't see that they have to have a relationship with her if they don't want to.
He doesn't live with her currently, says he doesn't want to. She is trying to move in by stealth though and he is being a wimp about that and letting it happen. I am wondering if that's behind this with her, she wants them to like her more so he will ask her to move in?

I haven't met her because I don't really want to and don't see I have to. But I am wondering if I should be helping out the situation more? He was a crap husband (unfaithful etc) so I'm not minded to help him live happily ever after but I want to do the best for my kids. What are people's thoughts?

I think you should mind your own business about whether or not she wants to move in with your ex. I'm not really sure why you are discussing this with your ex. I also don't think you should be passing her messages through your ex telling her to back off. You sound a bit over invested in their lives.

It sounds like she's trying to make an effort to get to know your kids which is better than her not being interested. Your kids are however old enough to decide whether they want to see her. I would just let them know you support them in their decisions and make sure you're not actually making them feel like they have to hate her out of loyalty to you.

Thanks for your reply, it's good to get a different perspective and I can see that you're right, I'm being too invested and interested in something that doesn't really concern me.

The only thing I would say in my defence, although it probably makes it worse, is that we stayed quite close when he moved out for the kids' sake and he has asked me about how they feel about things, why they won't go round etc. And he tells me too much about what is going on in his life which he shouldn't.

I didn't say back off as such, I can see that comes across as full on and rude, I just said to let it happen naturally on their terms rather than planning specific stuff they don't want to do.
And I certainly don't want them to have to take sides or feel they have to hate her for my sake. But it's difficult when they are complaining to me and then he is asking for my advice.

I will take on what you have said though and keep out of it. The kids are old enough to do what they want and they have to communicate with him themselves, not through me.

When you say “quite a few years younger than him” - is she closer in age to your children than she is to their father?

I think most teens would struggle with that, to be honest.

I think stepping way back from your ex and his personal life is very much needed here. Your kids are old enough to decide who they want in their lives without interference from you.

@Catlover100 It sounds like this new partner can’t win. Reading between the lines it seems the kids not really liking her will partly be out of loyalty to you / jealousy of their dads attention being taken by another woman. But it sounds like she’s trying and I think it’s wrong to be saying to your ex to tell her to back off. As long as your kids know they can say no to things then what’s the harm in her trying to include them?

It may be that she's not that good with young kids but enjoys them more now they are teens. It may be that she didn't want to move to fast, getting to know them, in case her relationship with their father fell apart but now feels it's got legs?

Thanks for all the replies. I can see that the issue is with me and I am the one who needs to back off. Definitely food for thought and I will be making a conscious effort to keep out of it all from now on.
If they say anything I will tell them to speak to their dad direct and I won't discuss things with him if he asks, again he needs to ask them direct.
Our boundaries need sorting, I have thought that for a while and have said as much. He stayed way too involved with us/me post us splitting and it worked until he met someone. I can see that I am not being fair on his partner here.
Seriously I have heard the messages here loud and clear!