Not sure what to do

[BrownFlower2]

I’ve been friends with R for about six years. I liked her at first, we both have a common interest. As I’ve got to know her better though, I’ve realised that we’re not really compatible as friends. Some of her behaviour is really getting to me. Examples are

-Her feeling that she can comment freely on all aspects of my life, what I share on social media is a big one. She has made me so uncomfortable with this that she’s been on ‘restrictive’ for about three years
-always asking why she isn’t invited to events/ to go out with mutual friends. This has got more intolerable over time, ie why haven’t invited her to my uni group gathering when we’ve all been friends for twenty years!

I’ve been trying to do the slow fade but it isn’t working because she won’t get the hint. I know other mutual friends have phased her out for the similar reasons. If I don’t reply on one platform, she’ll alert me on another that I need to answer her message.

We we’re not in contact during the pandemic but resumed contact after. I spent an afternoon with them about a year ago and came away feeling so drained. We haven’t met up since as I have turned down all invites and don’t instigate conversation.

I’ve not had this issue before where I’m considering ghosting or blocking. I do tend to reply because I feel guilty, they’ve had a hard time. They will probably bad mouth me to mutual friends which is why I’m not sure what to do. Any advice?

Have you tried being honest with her about her constant contact and being overbearing? Just ask her to step back a bit. If she slags you off to friends, they'll probably agree with you anyway.

Do it by text if you can't face doing it in person. Sounds a bit like breaking up with a partner, but you can at least do it kindly and be honest.

My DD is similar - she get over involved and over invested and would be very hurt by your reactions - she can be over critical and wants to ‘be right’ all the time - I find her draining so I’m not surprised that you would too!

Be kind - message and say ‘I like you as a person but you are overbearing and I’m finding it difficult to relate to you. I will see you with other groups but need to bow out for now, please stop calling, but I wish you well’

We’ve come to blows before over her being overbearing so she is aware of the affect it has. It hasn’t stopped though.

I’d give it one shot and saying frankly… I did see you messsge and I’d like to remain friends, however, I don’t have the capacity for something to full on. I’d like some time out for a few weeks and see how we both feel then.

Then take the time out. If she pesters you, she’s dust. I only suggest this if you’d like to recover the friendship.

@Whatisthisanyidea The need to be constantly right ( or that their version of events is right) is a big one with my friend too. I agree , it is exhausting!

Just let go. This doesn't have to be an issue. Don't spend time with people who make you feel bad, and that's boundaries, sorted, in one step.

'No thanks, I've got other plans' works a treat, as does leaving behind social media, and being willing to lose friends who are easily convinced to think badly of you.

This little drama stops now, if you choose. People can fuss all they want. Who cares?