How do I even begin to untangle our lives?

[Pinkmagic1]

I have finally told my husband of 25 years I want to seperate. This is after years and years of him being totally switched off from family life, controlling behaviours to both myself and our daughter and walking on eggshells The straw which broke the camels back was him taking a female colleague away to visit his family who live abroad, behind my back. He has form for this in the past, but stupidly I forgave him.

He is finding it very hard to accept the relationship is over, and has been begging for another chance, saying he is going to change and totally denying there is anything sexual between him and the colleague. I am strong this time though, and have cries all the tears I have to cry and will not back down.

I just don't know where to start separating our lives, especially of he fails to acknowledge the marriage is over. I have an appointment booked with a solicitor who is a friend of my parents, but unfortunately he can't see me until early May (I am trying to bring this forward). I work part time and worried how I will manage financially. There is not the possibility of full time at my current workplace, but obviously will look for something else. He refuses to leave the house and obviously I can't force this as he owns half of it. Can the solicitor force a sale and if he agrees, can we complete a sale before a divorce is complete?

Any advice from anyone who has been through similar and come out the other side would be much appreciated.

Hi OP, sorry you've had to go through 25 years of this but you should be really proud of yourself for making the decision to free yourself now.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things, contacting solicitor and looking into increasing your own financial dependency.
A solicitor alone won't be able to force the sale of your house - only a court can do that - but they can certainly help in mediation and/or negotiation with your ex, maybe through his own solicitors.
It's obviously not sunk in for him yet (or he's just so arrogant to believe you won't go through with it) but hopefully, given time and seeing your strength and determination, he will realise this will be the best thing for everyone involved and won't try block you every step of the way.
Good luck 💐

Sorry you have been through this. Find another solicitor who will see you sooner.

Move into separate bedrooms (if you are not already) and google 'the grey rock technique'.

Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his washing. Just disengage.

Now you have made the decision, you can do this.

has been begging for another chance, saying he is going to change PFFT rubbish. He's just trying to get you back in now that he knows you're serious about ending it. As soon as you capitulate, he'll be back to his old ways. Guaranteed. And he's definitely been having other relationships.

Can't believe his family put up with it! God knows what he's said to them about you.

Look at your entitlement to benefits & start collecting paperwork relating to income & any savings do that you are ready to go when you do see the solicitor!

I've done this. We were together for 20 years. He also did not want to split, so I had to push it through. He cheated several times!

The first thing I did was visit a recommended Solicitor. She asked me what assets and debts we had (just the house, 2 cars, 2 pensions and some shares), and with this info she drew up a suggested Separation Agreement. This got sent to his Solicitor (he didn't have one, but had to appoint one).

There wasn't too much back and forth, and it's not like we had multiple houses or anything out of the ordinary. He had a bigger pension than me, so to even that up, in the deal, I would get more cash from the sale of the marital home.

Our timing was crap, as it was 2008 and the house would not sell! In the end he bought me out and stayed in the house, and I bought a smaller house.

He had to sign over some of his shares to me, so that we walked away with an equal number.

It seems insurmountable, but once you let a Solicitor take the reigns, you don't really need to do much yourself.

The divorce I did on-line. It cost £500. Had our children been over 16 years old, it would have only cost me £99. There was an extra step because of the children - can't quite recall what, but the professionals guide you all the way.

It wasn't a nice time, but you just keep going.

This was all 15 years ago now. I now have a much nicer (and faithful) DH!

So yes, start with a solicitor. Forget the free half hour stuff. You need a proper appointment. If anyone you know has been divorced, ask for recommendations.

Good luck! It's not as hard as you think!

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I know it is not going to be an easy ride, but know 100 percent that my life will be better without him im it. Nice to hear from others who have come out the other side.

Thinking of you as you go through this. As you go through the process, the situation calms down.

I wish had stood stronger on the solicitors advice; shut the door - actions speak louder than words, whilst you take the time to evaluate your next steps. Separating emotions from facts is hardest part. Having the betrayal, the dis honesty or the unknown can drive you round the bend. The sooner the emotions, boundaries and practicalities are set the easier it is to move forward.

Whilst we are here, sorry to jump on the post - Has anyone got any advice on if there are any financial advantages/disadvantages to staying married for longer then your heart says? I have already lost what feels like my life to another person, who is very comfortable living my life . We have joint finances to sort.