Do I leave or should I stay for the kids?

[roarfeckingroarr]

I've just written a long post and lost it but will try again with an overview. I would really appreciate thoughts to help me unpack.

Been with DP 5 years. Both mid 30s. We share two kids, a toddler and a 3 month old. We live in London, near my support network and both our jobs. His friends are up north where he's from but his family is down here now (he just makes no effort to see them).

I have felt lonely and sad for years now. There's no physical affection (he recently told me he can't do it, that it was forced when we met, that his hard childhood with little affection has made him incapable) and our baby is the result of the one time we've had sex in three years. His choice. It's more than that though, we lack emotional intimacy. We can laugh together and are great parents together but I never feel loved or cherished or like he's excited to see me or spend time with me. I tried so many things in the early days to talk and make it better but now I've realised we are too different and our needs in a relationship are so far apart.

I don't know whether to stay for the kids or leave. We don't argue much and we have a lot of fun with our toddler, he's a happy and secure and deeply loved little boy. Im in the process of buying us a family home (my deposit and a mortgage just in my name) and I want it to just be me and the kids I think, but then I feel guilty because hr will struggle to afford to rent somewhere nearby big enough to have the kids, plus pay maintenance etc.

I don't know what to do. Two small children is very hard on your own. I'm so deep in the fog, I don't know what's right.

Bump please

you leave. you can continue to coparent nicely , but you should never stay together with someone who makes you unhappy for the kids. there's loads of previous posts on this matter and the everyone always agrees it's a disaster to stay for that reason.

Go to mediation together. As an older woman I think it’s always best to try and find a way you can stay as a family unit. Especially when they are young. You will not regret it if you both can be happy.

Never ever stay with someone 'for the kids'. Never. That's a huge burden on the children. It's not their responsibility to carry in any way.

And think about the messages it sends for their future relationships - it teaches them that they don't deserve to be in a loving and intimate partnership, that personal happiness doesn't matter, that sex doesn't matter (it clearly does for a significant number of people).

None of that is healthy.

If the two of you aren't happy and fulfilled together then I would give some serious thinking time to how you see your future, how you want it to be.

But don't put it on your kids.

Leave and get on with your life, no intimacy and no affection will destroy your self esteem. Its also a terrible example to set for your children. His problems are his and he should have been more honest about them from the beginning and this mess could have been avoided. But at least by moving on now there can be some damage control with regard to the effect a loveless relationship will have on your children.

Don't even need to read it - never ever stay together for the kids. It doesn't work and they won't thank you for their sham of a childhood.

I agree that you must try some meditation / counselling together

I’m a divorcee and I don’t believe it’s a blanket ‘the kids won’t thank you for staying”

I think it goes both ways, the kids won’t thank you for not trying either

I stayed 'for the kids'

The reality was I learned, I needed to leave 'for the kids'

Life is too short and precious. You don't need to be unhappy for it. It's ok to make a change.

It's hard when the kids are little and you are tired. It gets better. It's ok to leave. It might just be the best thing you ever did.

Adding my voice to the many saying Please don’t stay in an unhappy marriage ‘for the children’. I grew up in one and have never really learnt to be simply happy. There’s always an underlying sadness, because that’s what surrounded me and my siblings throughout our childhood. Quiet sadness is what we learnt. My parents were good people, it wasn’t violent or abusive. Just unhappy.

You don’t want that for your beloved children. Give them the chance of two happy parents who live separately.

Best of luck.

Please don't raise your children in the midst of an unhappy relationship, that will undoubtedly only get more toxic as the years go by. It will permanently damage your kids to do so. End it now and move on.

Usually I say try and work it out but on this occasion I would say please don’t - at your early stage things should be quite good - sex once in three years?! No emotional connection?! Feeling lonely etc these feelings will only intensify-

Try not to feel to worried about his financial security as afterall he is the one who remained in a relationship with you despite him knowing it wasn’t right - the biggest betrayal of all

having a second child wasn’t the best idea either

Run, take that house on alone and start looking forward

I should've mentioned my biggest problem is his moods. He's quick to anger and can be quite shouty - not at us but I grew up in a calm and loving home. I feel myself walking on eggshells and days suddenly going south because of his mood.

I'm not sure what your ideal marriage looks like but it's not what you have. You need some help with your marriage because you do not have a partner. I think you need to separate.
Since you're having problems with rental property why don't you hire a rental management agency to help you. You might have to hire some night childcare coverage.