How to stop an emotional affair

[EmotionalAffair1]

Have name changed. I can’t believe I’m writing this really. Don’t want to be too specific as it’s very outing. But can you stop an emotional affair (that your partner is getting into)? I am being told it’s just friendship but I know how this goes and it doesn’t feel like “just friendship” to me. This is someone who DP didn’t even know a few weeks ago and is now spending a lot of time with and messaging etc. Coupled with problems in our relationship - for which I take my responsibility - but I want to work on and feel like DP has just checked out since meeting this person. I have said that I am worried this new “friendship” is the start of something and that resulted in an awful discussion about the problems in our relationship which DP says I’ve been told about many times and I’ve done nothing to fix. DP just needs a friend and I shouldn’t begrudge that.

I love DP with all my heart and we have a child. How can I deal with this without being the “psycho”? Have already suggested counselling and that got a no.

Hi Op 👋

I am just wondering 🤔 what kind of relationship issues do you have then?

As you seem to be Accepting all the blame the reasons why there is issues in your relationship currently,

I am just wondering why is that so, ?

How long have these kinds of issues been going on for?

I guess I am wondering you accepting the issue or issues why your relationship is the way it is currently?

All really down to your fault then?

Or
Is More nuanced than that really @EmotionalAffair1 ?

How did your Partner come across this new friend of his then?

I think you just need to be honest with them. Ask them to think about the consequences of their actions, and make sure they understand what an emotional affair is. Then step back and let them decide how to proceed. Maybe start to think about if you want to stay in the relationship.

Thanks for replying (it's late but I can't sleep). I don't think the issues are all my fault but at present the dynamic is that DP thinks they are, and I am just so desperate to get things back on track that if that's what it takes I'm happy to go there.

DP says I'm an angry person, that I'm always so angry about everything: domestic responsibilities split, work, everything. I do accept that I manifest my feelings (which are really frustration, upset) in an angry way. This is the main issue DP has been saying has to change. I tried some counselling but I don't think the counsellor was right for me and I stopped. It's an expensive business trying out counsellors to find one you gel with. I have some insight into why I am "angry", not that it matters at present because I'd need DP to be interested/engaged in understanding that too and it feels like (DP has actually said it is the case) that things have gone "too far".

I suppose what I'm looking for here (from others who have gone through the same thing) is advice on whether I should just wait this out and see where it goes, or call it for what I really believe it is, now, before it becomes something more involved. They've only known each other a short while so I know it's not a real "thing" yet but I can see how easily it will become one.

I do want to stay in the relationship. The idea of not being with DP any more feels unbearable.

That's strange, I thought there was a new thing where you can't change names on a thread anymore.

Are you frustrated with him? What is causing your frustrations?

Imagine if he put all that energy into his relationship with you.

Sadly you can’y do anything to stop it. Familiarise yourself with The Script and get yourself over to chumplady and get ready for the fallout.

https://www.chumplady.com/

It must be so difficult to watch this unfold before your eyes.

Make sure that he is clear on how you feel and what is and is not acceptable to you and then YOU have to maintain those standards if he crosses clear boundaries.

All of this is easier said than done.

You can only communicate openly and honestly.

If You suspect or are aware of an emotional affair never wait it out to see how it goes. Emotional affairs often develop into sexual affairs, especially if they are allowed to continue on for any length of time, but here’s the problem, once they have started it’s incredibly difficult to stop them. If you confront your partner they will tell you it’s just an innocent friendship, they might even tell you they will end the friendship, but in all likelihood will continue with it in a much more concealed and secretive fashion. The fact your partner is involved in an affair of this nature often is a sign your relationship has very serious and in all probability, unsolvable problems.
Sorry.

What would he do if it was other way around? Would he accept that ?