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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just feel so shit about this - help me work on some positivity please

16 replies

Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 20:08

I visited my DM for Easter and she revealed she is getting equity release on her house to help a sibling buy a bigger house (they had a 5 bed house they sold and moved into rented accommodation and are looking for a 6 bed). She has given us all help with a deposit in the past, including this sibling who has had l think more than double what she gave the rest of us (5 kids in total) which has been fine by me as they have had their struggles with finances and divorce. I never minded until now because I thought it was her money to do with as she wishes. She was scammed a few years ago and lost a lot of capital and since then has made some quite dodgy financial choices I am so worried that my mum is giving away her only real asset, could be scammed out of her remaining savings again (very possible tbh) and will end up destitute. I think she understands that even though the value of the loan isn’t the value of her house probably it will all go in compound interest. She will have very little left after this and doesn’t have a big pension as she has always used savings/capital.

I have always said to her I am grateful for the help she has given me back in my 20s and I don’t need anything from her except for her to ensure she looks after her finances. I feel really hurt tbh! My sibling will definitely not see much long term benefit from this gift as they have really bad form with money, very little income and a volatile personal life and I am also upset with them that they even entertain this idea. I think both feel that they are close and my mum will depend on them not the rest of us when old, but knowing the two of them I think this is highly unlikely as they are both volatile and my sibling is likely to want to move away etc once kids are grown. I am worried I will feel pressure to help financially when my mum is older and tbh right now I don’t see why I should.

i just feel so shitty about the whole situation, it is bringing up weird feelings of abandonment and I feel like washing my hands of both of them as it’s like watching a self-involved slow motion car crash.

Please help me find my equilibrium as this is making me feel down, impacting my own family as I feel stressed out, and I have high blood pressure/anxiety and need to really avoid getting het up about things. any wise words please?

OP posts:
Sainsburysbunny · 09/04/2023 20:12

My sibling was struggling to buy a house and suggested my parents do a similar thing for him. I challenged it massively - on the basis that my parents should keep their house theirs as it's their future financial security. I also highlighted that's it's not fair they do that for one sibling and not the rest of us. I impressed upon them I would never ask it of them and impressed upon my sibling I thought it was extremely selfish.
They decided not to do it in the end and even sibling admitted it wasn't really fair on any party.
Protect your parents interests and make your opinions known.

Original poster
Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 20:24

My mum never listens to any advice I give and often does the exact opposite. I don’t think I have any control in this situation because one look at my sibling’s sad face and she crumples. I don’t really count. I just need to find a way to rise above it I guess. I need to find a way not to let it make me spiral into anxiety, depression and the realisation that, fundamentally, I’m on my own! Sorry that’s probably me being melancholic but the whole thing just makes me feel really small and lonely. Which is beside the point for the equity release thing but is what I’m left with when I think about the situation. Not sure why!

OP posts:
Original poster
Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 20:27

Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m the alien who is seeing things differently? I’m up here on the hill of being a responsible adult and working hard and putting money aside for a pension etc and they are just skipping around in the valley below spunking money everywhere. I feel wistful maybe even though I know that way madness lies.

OP posts:
Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:26

Are you ladies talking about the 'lifetime loans' with zero repayments and compound interest? What ages are your parents?

Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:32

I ask because I am helping a friend at the moment whos aunt loaned her brother money to do that same. Disaster. The only reason people should tale out these loans is if maybe a granchild needs specialist medical treatment or something along those lines.

Curious to know what kind of loan. Frankly I dont think many people understand what they are signing up to with equity releases, they just see the loan amount and they yeah thats fine compared to the value of the house, but then completly underestimate the interest they will, which if they are on yhe yound sode devastates the value of the home to them in the future.

Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:34

Sorry all the typos!!

Curious to know what kind of loan. Frankly I dont think many people understand what they are signing up to with equity releases, they just see the loan amount and they yeah thats fine compared to the value of the house, but then completly underestimate the interest they will accrue (depending on the loan type) which if they are on they young side devastates the value of the home to them in the future.

Original poster
Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 22:36

Yep that’s the one. I think my DM has kind of understood it’s her whole house value really for about 1/3 of it to go to my sibling. She is ok with that apparently! Basically the way my DH described it to me is that it’s like getting a mortgage which should have interest repayments but where you don’t make the repayments and they keep getting added to the lump sum and then interest is charged on the whole thing. I had a moment of utter fear that we could be liable for debts on her death but I think they just stop at taking the house. And the interest rate will, of course, be eye watering.

OP posts:
Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:41

Yes it usually is eat watering and especially now and they are on the rise. Your husband totally understands it. And yes capped at value of house.

What age are your parents? Are they around for along time more?

If I were you I would prepare a one pager for your Mum showing her what the loan will look like in 3 years, 5 years and 15 years. Either of you good at excel?

Original poster
Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 22:43

She is convinced she is going to die any moment. She’s 78. I think she’s got a good 15 years left in her…

OP posts:
Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:44

It is basically a horrifically expensive form of debt, MUCH much more than any normal mortgage your sibling could organise. Madness if it is to trade up, understandable only if it were some sort of unavoidable family emergency.

Fourhorses · 09/04/2023 22:45

Ah right thats tricky. If she dies in two year, its probably fine, but as the years go by the balance grows so fast.

Original poster
Swimminguphill · 09/04/2023 22:46

Thank you I feel slightly less like I’m the one being unreasonable! I have very little hope she will listen. She thinks it’s essential this sibling has a big house and no mortgage… despite the fact that all other sibs have smaller houses and massive mortgages! But maybe some kind of one pager could help. I don’t know.

OP posts:
QueenBee1234 · 10/04/2023 09:51

Can you arrange for her to speak to an independent financial advisor? Ie not someone who gets commission from selling her this product.
Your sibling sounds like a selfish waste of oxygen so I wouldn't bother appealing to their better nature.
When it all goes massively tits up DO NOT bail anyone out financially or with your time and effort.
Let them all live with their decisions.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/04/2023 10:19

Maybe you could look at the cost of nursing homes in her area. If she has deliberately got rid of any assets, there will be a definite problem if she has to go into a home. Just one fall might mean she needs nursing care. She would be crazy to put herself in this position as well as causing resentment in her other children.

Original poster
Swimminguphill · 10/04/2023 10:35

She has said she has a stash of suicide pills she will take if this happens. Sorry I know this sounds bonkers. It’s my reality!

I feel like such a fool as I told all sibs I was going to sit her down and check she had her investments in a good place etc a month or so ago and I spoke to her about it all, mentioned the saving vehicles I use etc for our mortgage fund and she didn’t say anything about this nor did my sibling!

it probably worked against me as it made her think we are financially really well off, when we aren’t we just save responsibly and work damn hard. I feel less sad and more resigned this morning but I feel like quietly cutting contact right back because these kinds of things just feel like a smack in the face. They aren’t even anything to do with me! But I find it all so draining and honestly upsetting. I know that if there is anything left said sibling will campaign vociferously for their fair share. And to be honest part of me feels like that is fine as they were the child my mum loves most and what she would want is for them to have it.

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