Regret breaking up with young kids

[Equinoxsox]

I left my partner earlier this year. We have young children. I thought it was the best decision as he was emotionally abusive and I've since been informed by police and my solicitor that what he's been doing to me and is still doing even now we're separated is coercive control.

Despite agreeing I would still be the primary carer ( I've always done at least 80% of childcare, day in day out) when I moved it hasn't worked out like that and he's being awful. Its going through family court for the child arrangements order and I am not allowed to talk about anything regarding the court case on here.

He has proved 1000 times over since I left that he is not a good person in various spiteful ways.

However not seeing my kids everyday is so, so, hard.

We're just starting court proceedings so arrangements are not finalised and I'm hoping my time with them will be increased. But what if its not?
They hate having to go back with him. At least when we were all together I could shield them from him. Now I have to send them back to him.

Did anyone feel like this at the begging of a separation? Does it get better?

I just can't get my head around this. Have I made a terrible mistake? Everyone always tells you to get out of abusive relationships, but what about the kids? Not seeing them like I did before is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking feeling. They're still so young, and I've been told courts choose to go for 50/50 now. I never would have left if he'd told me that he would go back on his word and I would not be their primary carer anymore. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I’m so so sorry this has happened.

I had a similar experience, previously did all the childcare and he often worked away (turned out he wasn’t always working) and the unfairness of him getting to see the kids more (he never showed an interest before) was awful, not to mention the gut wrenching amount I missed them.

I agonised over going back for around a year, even though he was abusive and clearly hadn’t changed.

But it got better and I’m so so so glad I didn’t go back- and so are my now adult kids. They gradually saw less of him.
I‘m now very happily married.

Good luck, I really feel for you xxxx

Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear you didn't regret your decision. I'm sorry you went through similar. I deliberated so long over whether or not I should leave him. I thought that at least there were parts of him that were good or that he really loved the kids and would put them first. All he's done is show to me that it was never the real him, the way he is behaving now is someone I never thought he was capable of being. Its like our whole relationship was a lie. He is just intent on trying to hurt me at whatever cost to our kids emotional state. It's so bloody sad.

Yes, I was 22 when I had my daughter, and a year after she was born my relationship broke down with her father and I left. He moved to another country to study so I was left with everything. He was emotionally abusive. Very controlling and still is. Its 30 years since and to this day he finds a way to sneak little condescending comments when there is a family gathering, we share grandkids now, and although I dont let it affect me anymore, it use to. I was heartbroken for my DD and still am as her DF has said some hurtful things to her over the years which I am unable to shelter her from. All I can do is assure her of how wonderful she is, and how great she is doing. Tearing her down is not the way to go like her DF seems to do to anyone who is in his path, or to anyone who wants to listen.
You sound like a great mum, and you done the best thing for sure. It takes time to heal and time to adjust. Just try not to get sucked into your ex attempts to control. Its hard but you seem to be doing better than you feel at times. Getting advise or support from here also helps.

It doesn't seem to get talked about much here but I think watching your babies and little ones go to a crap father for contact must be so painful. I can't imagine it's pleasant with older children either but my friend breaks her heart when her eight month old goes to his Dad's. If he was just generally shit she'd have stayed with him longer to avoid this but he was abusive.

You are doing the right thing. It feels bad but that doesn't make it the wrong decision. Take it a day at a time. You're grieving.