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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A pair of lazy pricks

22 replies

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 11:59

My Partner of 18 years shouted this to my teen son and I last night.

He saw me cleaning (mopping, whole place, cleaning bathrooms etc), before he left for work in the morning. His favourite way to abuse me is by telling me "the place is a shot home." It's not by the way.

He came back that evening and set that hostile tone the minute he walked in. My son asked him how his day was and he coldly replied. Then he started on me when I told him not to set the hostile tone.

This is the last straw for me. I am not putting up with this bully calling his son names. I am scared of him however. He has abused me in every way.

THE ISSUE: I am in the middle of buying a property. Do you think I should carry on. I am not highly paid, but the buying option will be miles cheaper for me than renting.

I intend to leave without telling him. I have horrible knots in my throat and stomach and am finding the logistics of it hard. I don't know what I need to do and where to start with timings etc.
I think the anxiety is giving me brain fog.

I know I will have to change the utilities from my name to his, I don't want him to know though until I'm safely in the new place.

I'm also worried sick about how I am going to pay for everything since I don't earn much. I work for a horrible company who are unsupportive and use threat of sack etc all the time.

Do any of you have lodgers? If so how did you find someone who is safe?

Anyone advice would be great. Especially about practicalities. I just can't think straight from years of abuse.

OP posts:

Anotherparkingthread · 09/04/2023 15:24

You don't need to change the utilities to his name you just need to inform them all that you are no longer resident at that address. You will get your final bill and then it's up to him to swap over and inform suppliers. It's his problem if he doesn't do it.

Focus on your fresh start at your new house. Think of the positives and look forward to it. It will help cut through some of the confusion if you have a clear idea of a better future. Think about where you want to be and just keep making steps towards it.

I don't have much experience with lodgers but depending on your location you might be able to find a mature student if you're near a University. I'd suggest looking for a single female occupant, imo it would he far safer than inviting a strange man into your home while you're vulnerable.

PaintedEgg · 09/04/2023 15:36

you don't need to change the utilities - just let them know you've moved out and they will figure it out for themselves.

as for lodger - the idea of going through the local university and their landlord association is really good :) students can also sometimes agree to pay for few months in one go as their maintenance loans come through, so you wouldn't need to worry too much about unpaid rent

Whatthefnow · 09/04/2023 15:51

Wish you nothing but the best op.

Just get into your new place and then deal with the rest. That's your only priority right now.

HowRatherGolly · 09/04/2023 15:59

You are doing the right thing by leaving him.
No one should live like that.
Can you call womans aid as they may have excellent advise on what steps to take in order to leave, such as what paperwork to take, passports and such.

You can also visit their website for some of the information, and all the best.

Seaoftroubles · 09/04/2023 16:04

You are right to leave O.P, you and your son deserve so much better. I also agree with calling Womens Aid for advice and support. Wishing you all the best in your new home away from that abusive bully.

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:07

Thank you I never thought of that. It's a great idea. Nearest Uni is 25-30 mins away. Hopefully not too far.

I was going through old diary entries today and this behaviour is rinse and repeat. The constant mind games and nice-nasty cycle has kept me in it for way too long. It made me feel so sad. He has ruined a lot of my life. Hence the reason I am alone on Easter Sunday. Just constant loneliness and emptiness.

I know everyone is right about just biting the bullet and moving, but not knowing every detail of how I will cope and what needs doing is what I find the most difficult. I think it is part of my personality. I think that is what has kept me in it for so long too. Maybe it's a control issue.

OP posts:

Gymmum82 · 09/04/2023 16:09

If you are married he will be entitled to half of your home. If not then go ahead and buy it

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:09

@Anotherparkingthread

I try to be positive and I am happy I have an escape but I don't see myself ever being happy again. I don't know why. I feel so dead inside. He dismantled my life and I am so lonely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:11

@Whatthefnow yes I just need to take a leap of faith and believe everything will be ok.

OP posts:

Chowtime · 09/04/2023 16:12

Well done you for getting out and buying your own place.

The other thing to do is to pop into all the home care companies and care homes in your town with a little leaflet explaining that you have a room to rent. A lot of care companies are sponsoring staff from abroad now and need somewhere for them to live. Their sponsorships are ususally for a minimum of 3 years.

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:14

@Chowtime that's interesting. The are many care homes near me. I would like to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:18

@HowRatherGolly @Seaoftroubles

I will phone and see what they suggest. I do need support, especially with the way I'm feeling.

OP posts:

Helenahandkart · 09/04/2023 16:18

When you leave take photos of gas/electric/water meters so that you can prove the readings are correct and don’t let the utility companies know you’ve left until afterwards to avoid any possibility of them alerting your ex.

I don’t have first hand experience of this but please be careful during the final weeks living with your ex. I believe that this is the time that women are most in danger from harm. Keep your cards very close to your chest, and mind who you trust with your moving info.

Good luck.

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 16:18

Health b4 wealth, get rid of him.

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 16:55

@Helenahandkart

He will find out where I am, as I'm not going far. I won't be telling him though.

If he wants to do me in, there's not a lot I can do about it. That fear has kept me here far too long. Now I feel dead anyway, so I am willing to risk it.

He has been coming home with a very hyper and aggressive demeanour lately shouting that no one will get one over on him and he will always win. I think he is referring to me.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 17:11

Have you called Women's aid for advice?

Have you called 101 for advice.

He threatens you and you are trying to move away.

Reach out for support.

I'm so sorry.

Whatthefnow · 09/04/2023 17:50

Op, everything is going to be fine, a lot better than what you're suffering now.

My ex husband's mood brought the house down much like yours and to this day I can't stand moodiness.

You can do it!

Suetcrust · 09/04/2023 17:59

I know of a woman who, years ago, left her husband whilst he was at work.
She and a removal company totally cleared the house of everything apart from light bulbs and the bed! She never breathed a word to another living soul, he was shocked beyond words.

Her revenge was sweet for all the abuse she’d suffered & she never looked back.
You can do it OP. it’ll be so good to have your very own place. Good luck.

Turmerictolly · 09/04/2023 18:03

Are you married?

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 18:27

@Suetcrust Good for her, I'm glad to hear she didn't look back.

I think I'm just going to get some second hand and free furniture. I can't face moving this stuff. He can have it all. He and his family are horrible bullies and they bully their DF. He is continually belittled and hen-pecked by them.Now he just sits in a chair waiting to die. That won't be me.

OP posts:

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 09/04/2023 18:31

You can do this, at the moment everything feels in limbo, your closing one chapter and starting another. To many women the chance of being able to start a new chapter alone would be a dream come true, you just have to keep your nerve and keep pushing through. Once you are settled in your new home things will get easier. There is help out there, make sure you claim everything your entitled to, try to maybe get to know others who are in similar situation, they are often the most understanding and helpful. It's natural to feel like you do, your out of your comfort zone, there's a lot of uncertainty, but one thing is for sure, you can't put a price on peace. Your son will thank you , best thing you can do is provide a safe and secure home for you and your son, the rest will fall into place.

Original poster

Alwayskeepon · 09/04/2023 18:42

@SwimmingAgainstTheTides

Yes the word I always use is definitely peace.

He literally walked in the door 5 mins ago and my heart starting pounding, as I left a pan to soak in the sink.
I didn't expect him back so early. Luckily he has not come in my room. I am just going to keep out of the way.

Usually he comes in and starts banging the pots and pans knives and forks around as I don't do anything properly apparently. It sets the atmosphere and is his way of letting me know I'm useless.

OP posts:

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