Divorce taking its toll. When will there be light at the end of the tunnel?

[WTF202333]

I suppose I’m looking for stories of hope and for people to tell me to pull up my big girl pants!
Been separated for 2 years and applied for divorce last summer. Not only am I recovering from the shock of finding out my STBXH was a serial cheat, he’s pulling out all the stops to make my life hell.
Financial remedy is taking time, he pays minimum child maintenance as hides his earning through his limited company, I have 100% care of the DC with no time for myself whilst he runs about telling people I’m poisoning them against him.
Im so sad, exhausted and on my knees mentally and financially. Please tell me this gets better 😞

It will get better.

Why doesn't he have the DC?

@RandomMess he works away and then ‘decides’ when he would like to see them when he is home. They are teenagers so he feels we don’t need plans in place and they are old enough to sort it by him contacting them. He hasn’t made much of an effort and they are just sick of his selfish ways - but he blames me for it.

My lawyer urged me to just go for a divorce instead of separation as it only lengthens the process… and I guess that’s the situation with you.

My divorce process inc the financial stuff took just under 2 years. Anecdotally, 2 years seems like the average time. I hit some pretty big lows during those times though, and Exs behaviour was despicable. I get you!

My advice is to Grey Rock him as much as possible. Only communicate through your solicitor… and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You WILL come out the other side.

Oh yes. They will accuse you of poisoning the kids against them.

Mine were early 20s and absolutely able to make up their own minds about his behaviour. I didn’t poison them… they came to their own conclusions.

Just don’t react to this.

We have been no contact now for 6 months and I feel more at peace because of that. It would have been nice to have been more amicable for the sake of the DC but I now know that will never happen.

I genuinely just want to get on with my life but have to take him through court for financial remedy when I’m already struggling to get by. I have no idea how women with no financial and practical support from family, actually survive divorce.

I so feel for you - it's hell and there are no winners. But, you will come out the other side and have peace of mind, freedom and personal autonomy. I divorced my ex-husband many years ago and have been happily married for over 25 years. I had both practical and financial support from my beloved parents at the time and actually lived with them for a while too, so my Mum helped with my daughter so I could go back to work. Try and stay calm and tell yourself that this is just a particularly bad stage of your life, but it will be onwards and upwards once the divorce is finalised. All the very best to you.

Oh OP things will get better. I had a horrendous, acrimonious divorce, from start to finish, nearly 5 years (even after the final hearing, twatty exH delayed the sale of the house for nearly three years). Now, nearly seven years on, my life is so much happier. I had some real lows along the way, if you're divorcing someone determined to be difficult then it's always hard.

I’m going to follow this post it that’s okay. Not even got to the divorce stage yet, we only separated 7 weeks ago. I just can’t get through this rumination and fog, there’s times when I don’t even want to be here. I’m pushing everyone away through my constant word vomit, one of my best friends who was there for me in the early days is now seemingly passing me off. I just want him back but he’s cut me out and blocked me. He left me after 8 months of progressively toxic arguments, brought on by years of his depression and me retaliating. But still I want him back

Not wanting to derail the thread but what are the road blocks and issues that can take the divorce process so long? Is it the other person being obstructive and refusing to respond/sign things or not being able to agree on the financial settlement?

I’m just curious as I looked back through my emails and my divorce last year took exactly 6 months from initial filing to receiving decree absolute.

Just genuinely interested in others experience of this.

OP, there definitely will be light at the end of the tunnel either once he gets bored of being such an absolute arse or when the solicitors bring everything to a close and you no longer have to tolerate him. It’s so unbelievably nasty when he was the one cheating etc then has the nerve to make things even worse for you during the divorce. Just hang on to the fact that you’ll be free of him and his toxic ways at the end of this.

@Helpots i feel you. The fog and ruminating was the hardest phase for me. A whole 18 months of ‘can we make this work’. He actually tried to come back (probably for all the wrong reasons) but I just knew in the end he had hurt me too much and it could never be the same.
It’s like pure grief, but for a death of someone still walking about in the skin of someone you once knew.
I sometimes kick myself for ‘wasting’ 18 months of thinking/stalling/grieving before finally plucking up the courage to send those papers, but looking back, I needed that time to process things.
Take your time. Think and Feel. Seek therapy if you can and enjoy the small
things in life.

@Specso its so hard when you have an ex who can’t and won’t communicate and just wants to make things difficult. In my case, he was controlling through our relationship and it didn’t stop when it ended unfortunately….

He ignored papers and letters from my solicitor. Solicitor advised I’d have to take it through court re financial remedy. To go through court, you have to prove you’ve attempted mediation. Tried mediation and failed. Issued court papers advising of when Form E should be complete - he was late for that but then he finally instructed a solicitor. Financial hearing is September (so 13 months after issuing divorce papers)

It’s hard, long drawn out and bloody expensive but my freedom is worth it!

It’s definitely worth it for your freedom and happiness and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with him making things as difficult as possible.

It’s just so unnecessary and nasty for him to continue to put you through hell once the decision has been made that it’s over. I really don’t understand why people can’t at least be reasonable when the dust has settled a bit after the initial break up. They don’t have to be nice or even civil but ignoring paperwork and being obstructive is just ridiculous and petty.

you’ll be fine once it’s over, just try and keep that end goal in mind when you have a tough day.