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Original poster

Why do I still dream about my ex H after so man years?

21 replies

MrsFiddle · 09/04/2023 01:05

I split up with my ex H 8 years ago and am now very happily remarried. He had an affair with a friend of mine and is now married to her. He left suddenly one day. At the time it hit me very badly and I took a long time to recover. It was truly shocking at the time. I regularly have dreams though about him and her and usually it involves me or someone else killing them. I also dream often about him and our previous life when the children were young. Is this normal after all this time? Is it anger in me?

OP posts:
Exhibity · 09/04/2023 01:08

I got divorced 28 years ago and still have dreams that include my ex . I've no idea why and definitely don't feel anything for him.

SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors · 09/04/2023 01:12

Me too, plus my emotionally abusive sibling. I can only assume it's the subconscious trying to make sense of it all.

OhMyCherriePie · 09/04/2023 01:17

I still dream about my ex and we’ve been split 6 years, usually bad dreams, don’t know why after so long but it’s not just you

JMSA · 09/04/2023 01:26

Oh my goodness, I have found my people. In fact, I actually gasped when I read the thread title.
Ex husband and I split nearly 10 years ago, and I dream of him most nights. Usually they're from a parenting point of view - we have 3 children together - but often I'll dream that we're getting back together/having a new baby together.
I'm sort of used to it now after all these years (the dreaming, I mean) and it no longer upsets me. Still bloody weird though.

LighterNights · 09/04/2023 01:27

I had a dream about my ex a few nights ago. It shocked me tbh, we broke up in 1998 and I barely ever think of him, it's probably years since I last thought of him, but there he was. He was much nicer in my dream than he ever was in real life.

IHateLegDay · 09/04/2023 01:29

Split with my ex 9 years ago and still dream about him sometimes despite having no feelings whatsoever.

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2023 01:30

I’m nearly 20 years out of my first marriage. I still have a recurring nightmare that I have someone accidentally ended up back with him.

JarByTheDoor · 09/04/2023 01:34

I mean, I dream about people I kinda knew at school when I was 14, or people I only chatted to for a few months through a webforum several years back… I'd think it's perfectly natural to dream about somebody who was a much bigger part of your life, and who did something so impactful to you. I don't know about the killing part, but I suspect that if things people dream about doing were treated like reality, there'd be a lot more people in prison.

JadeandGreen · 09/04/2023 01:40

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2023 01:30

I’m nearly 20 years out of my first marriage. I still have a recurring nightmare that I have someone accidentally ended up back with him.

Same! We've been civil for the majority of the split and the children have grown up but I have these dreams where we're back together and I can feel the terror in the dreams. He was emotionally abusive. I wouldn't go with him if he was the last man on earth!

wheresmymojo · 09/04/2023 02:51

I had an abusive father and used to constantly have dreams where he'd be trying to kill me and then I'd find a way of killing him first (it was nothing related to the abuse, it was often played out like he was a lone terrorist gunman).

I hadn't seen my father since I was 10. In 20+ years there'd only been a couple of letters and a small number of emails.

Anyway...I went through some therapy which resulted in me emailing him to tell him some home truths about how I felt about him. I'd never actually expressed my anger before.

I never had another dream like that ever again.

So definitely your subconscious...I'm not saying it's the exact same thing but I would say recurring dreams do often seem to be the subconscious playing out some kind of trapped emotion.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2023 02:56

Our brains do crazy shit. Don't worry about it.

catinboooots · 09/04/2023 03:00

Oh dreams mean fuck all. I had a kid from my primary school run past me a dream the other night. I'm

greenlychee · 09/04/2023 08:40

agree your mind is still trying to process it. Maybe do some form of ritual to "release" the person / emotions. A meditation where you go deep into your feelings then let them go or something.

dreams are messages from our subconscious.

You can also look up Jung and dreams and watch a few videos on youtube to learn about them and how to interpret them. Jung thought them very importnt.

Original poster
MrsFiddle · 09/04/2023 13:03

Oh this is very reassuring - thank you all. I don't hate him but I can't say the same about her. I never usually see them but had to last year that I couldn't escape. Maybe that has stirred it all up. My current marriage is so much better and way more loving. When I think about it I have had relationships with David Beckham in my dreams. 🫣

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/04/2023 15:20

I have this too - he's been dead almost 5 years but I still have dreams in which he's alive and we're still married. Most of the times in those dreams I'll know that it isn't real and that he'd dead and we were divorcing at the time, but my brain just carries on. They're often unpleasant dreams but sometimes they're just neutral. I think it's pretty normal.

PaintedEgg · 09/04/2023 15:28

because trauma / stressful memories resurface

when I get stressed in daily life, I get nightmares that I am still with my ex and in those dreams I try to escape as he throws a tantrum and swings his arm at me - it gets so intense that I trash around in my sleep trying to defend myself :/

for context - i am happily married, but it seems like my brain still deeply associates stress with my ex

Crikeyalmighty · 09/04/2023 18:22

I've been divorced 32 years and remarried27-my ex H actually features in dreams far more than my H !!I have no idea why

PickAChew · 09/04/2023 18:31

I frequently had dreams about my ex making a nuisance of himself in various situations until I started corresponding with his more recent ex and managed to exorcise so many ghosts with shared experiences. He still appears, occasionally, over 20 years on but I'm more likely to give him what for in the dream, rather than him talk over me (which he did in real life - I had completely given up engaging with him, by the time I left)

Original poster
MrsFiddle · 09/04/2023 22:00

I do have vivid dreams though in general. I am often in some foreign crappy country and sharing a shithole of a room with various other travellers. Usually trying to get across some border and no buses or transport. I am regularly lost in New York. What freaks me out is when I dream about place that I have already been to in dreams. Exactly the same. I also am often in large hotels and cannot find my room. My brain is a maze! I also dream about a workplace I was at with a horrible boss.

OP posts:
Fernticket · 09/04/2023 22:10

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2023 01:30

I’m nearly 20 years out of my first marriage. I still have a recurring nightmare that I have someone accidentally ended up back with him.

This. I have very similar dreams that I am marrying him again always against my will. I can only assume it's my subconscious making sure I don't make the same mistake again.

Original poster
MrsFiddle · 10/04/2023 00:04

That's a good way of thinking about it.

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