Help - feeling scared and don't know what to do

[Heppygum]

Name change for this post. I don't want to write a huge thing so I'm going to list things. I hope that's OK.

. Me and dh are in our 30s and married 5 years
. 1 dd who has severe life limiting disabilities
. I left work to care full time. It was a difficult decision but dh really encouraged me to do so.
. We've been having cash flow issues ever since because of increases to all our utilities and mortgage plus lots of problems with our house and the amount of time at hospital and all those associated costs
. My Mum died unexpectedly over Christmas she was only in her 50s and we were very close
. Dh isn't controlling over money exactly but I don't know what income we have, he doesn't transfer any of his salary to me so I only have child benefit and middle rate dla go in to my account. If I ask about money he gets really funny about it and he's always very resentful about having to pay for shopping or anything if we're out. It makes me feel really anxious all the time. I actually used to earn more than him and when we were younger pre marriage had to bail him out of his overdraft all the time. So the bitterness has hit me out of nowhere.
. I have a lot of autoimmune health issues that have developed since having dd. I feel ill and lethargic nearly all the time.
. We don't have a physical relationship anymore and dh isn't an affectionate person so I find myself getting upset quite a lot as especially since losing my Mum I just need a hug. If I get upset around my Mum or anything else he gets mad at me "I don't see why you're so upset" gets said a lot.
. Recently there's been a nasty shift in the way he speaks to me and acts towards me. I can't really describe it. I find him intimidating but he's not screaming in my face or being physical. Menacing I guess is the word. I feel on edge all the time and I'm finding myself trying to avoid him and getting palpitations around him.
. This mainly happens because my health makes it really hard for me to get moving in the morning. Dd wakes about 6 and is usually up a couple of times in the night. I'll get up in the night and dh will get up in the morning. I'm usually downstairs by 6.30. It's just physically so hard for me first thing but he makes me feel like a fraud and a liar. Then gets angry at me like I'm not pulling my weight.
. Previously in the evenings dh would get home and we'd do bedtime together. I'm doing a course atm so he's been doing it alone so I can spend a couple of hours doing work. This has been a couple of weeks but comments have been coming more and more frequently.
. Last night he really made me feel intimidated. Again it's not outright aggression so I can't explain it but he had this look in his face and I really thought he might go for me. I know that sounds stupid but I felt genuinely scared of him. He told me there was no love and he did everything. Then backtracked and said he did love me did I not love him? I don't know it was really gaslighting and horrible conversation. Ended with saying things will get better, be more understanding etc.
. This morning we went to go for a walk and when we parked the car up I went to get my boots on (they were clean in a bag my seat) and that change in his face and tone happened again and he told me I had to put my boots on outside and sit on the floor as I was going to get my dirty feet on his seat and destroy his car.

I feel ridiculous but he's scaring me and I don't know what to do.

He sounds awful. You might be better leaving him then claiming CM to help with your finances? Are you in an adapted house? Maybe call and talk to Woman's Aid?

Yes adapted house and getting care package in place and agreed was a lot of work and only just starting to fall into place :(

There is emotional and financial abuse right there OP. He is controlling you.

You could ring women's aid and speak to them - they will let you get it all out and work out what you want to do.

I'm sorry.

If you are scared you ring the police.

Tryst your instincts. If they scream 'threat' then there is a threat.

The fact that he's started saying nasty things to you, further backs up that you are in danger.

Of course he encouraged you to leave work. Now he thinks he has you trapped. With your mum gone now too,he thinks you have less support. So his abusive nature is coming out.

Do you have anyone you can go stay with? If not, consider a refuge. Pursue a divorce and start over elsewhere. Life is too short to spend with monsters.

Are you claiming Carers Allowance? You qualify as your child has mid rate care.

@capecheckmaskcheck Not currently claiming carers allowance. Mil had this whilst I was working and ended it. I'll apply for that it's relatively easy if I remember I'd completely forgotten about that if in honest and should have done it already.

@DustyLee123 call the police for what?

@Pinkbonbon @JanglyBeads hard to explain but yes I feel jumpy and on edge. Not a feeling I've ever had before and the only word I can find is scared but I know I'm not at physical risk. Its probably the wrong word idk. He's a good dad and things have gotten worse since dd latest health issues and my Mum.

It does feel like emotional abuse though and I suppose it might be financial although I don't know how that would be defined in the circumstances.

It's not a simple thing to leave with dd. Really he'd need too but I don't think he will. House is in his name. We're married but it's always "my house" so I don't think it would be a simple thing.

I will contact women's aid. I can't believe this is happening

Hope your call goes well @Heppygum

Just wanted to update to say I felt more hopeless after speaking to them than before :( sent me some links to things and were very nice but in short, unless things escalate it's probably going to be a long game/wait it out situation. I don't think this will happen but they stressed how dangerous it is to leave and how its the time your most likely to be hurt. Dd is too unwell to put through these risks and upheavals. It's not physical and its only at me.

This is heart breaking to read, but you need to get out somehow. If Women's Aid weren't much use, then look at other charities/organisations - do a google of your local area. A friend of mine was in a similar situation, also with an SEN child, and she found a local charity helped her the most - I think the charity was originally set up to help Muslim women flee forced marriages. She's white British but they helped her anyway. She also talked to her GP who were really helpful, and she even mentioned it at a hospital appointment for her SEN child, which also turned out to be very helpful. She did eventually get the help she needed, but it took some work - googling/ringing places, telling anyone and everyone she could think of, in the hope they could help. Do you have friends or relatives who could help, or who you can talk it through with?

What is you dd's contact with medical services and/or social workers? Privately explain the situation to them. They might be able to help or point you in the direction of help. You might also, very quietly without dh knowing, see a solicitor about divorce and property. You need to be out and to be safe. This isn't a situation where 'sitting it out' for a few years is an option.

Before he becomes violent, find out from the council about emergency accommodation. A friend did this - the man attacked her, she called the police, the council found her somewhere to live for a short stay until she got herself sorted. And the police can remove him from the house temporarily if he is a danger to you.

They have to get callers to understand it's the most dangerous time - however I'd be surprised if they didn't do all they could to support a woman who wanted to leave?

@JanglyBeads Sorry but what are you implying? They told me to contact a local service. Gave me information about legal aid and emergency housing if he becomes violent but would mean my daughter going into hospital. Told me leaving was the most dangerous time for both of us and yes they are right there and they should ofc make sure that's known. My dd has a lifelimiting degenerative genetic syndrome about 4 other comorbid conditions. She's under 12 professionals, 2 hospitals, continuing care, children with disabilities etc. Every single thing has been a fight to access and get in place. I had to self refer to sw from the bloody ward for god sake. We still don't have an allocated sw. OT might as well not exist. Her bloody bed is on loan from newlife because they're still umming and arring about it! I had to fight and appeal to get continuing care. So what exactly is my option here? I try and leave now and potentially something awful happens to her. The bare minimum she'd be in hospital and who knows when things will deteriate. Every day is a blessing but every day is frankly terrifying. I know it's not a normal situation but what am I meant to do here? Yes if he gets violent that changes things but right now it's emotional and financial. I never thought my life would be like this. Or hers.

My Mum died, my dad...well they say you marry your Father right? The closest person I have atm is my Mother in law and that would change.

I'm sorry for sharing I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for getting upset at strangers and I'm sorry that I'm being rude and arghhh but I just idk. What's the point in anything at this point.

OP, I’m so sorry I don’t know how to help, but I’m sure someone here will come up with what you need. You are enduring such horrible behaviour from your shit of a husband. He is totally in the wrong, he is abusing you and you deserve all the help you can get. Don’t be ashamed of your perfectly natural feelings. I wish I could help. Xx

Please don’t believe that you shouldn’t be asking for help or that the situation is something that you have to put up with.

There are legal remedies in place for situations such as yours, and I would suggest you speak to a solicitor that specialises in divorce involving children with additional needs.

A quick google came up with this article

https://lgfamilylawyers.co.uk/divorce-children-special-needs/

There will be firms near you, but this one does an hour initial consultation online with the first 30 minutes free so may be worth a look as a starting point.

You could also contact Carers UK for advice.

Get that application for Carers Allowance in (it will also give you and entitlement to council tax credit if you’re not already getting it) and use

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

or

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

…to make sure you are getting all the financial help you’re entitled to. Knowing where you stand financially will be a big help in deciding how to move forward.

As well as legal measures for looking after your child if you were to leave, there is something called a Mesher Order, which is rarely used but could well apply in your situation. This could enable you to stay in the family home that has been adapted for your daughter’s needs.

This organisation may also be able to help with some initial legal advice. Their phone lines are only open at fairly limited hours but they are very helpful.

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/