Red flags you ignored that got worse?

[Annieanniee]

I have two examples-

1 boyfriends friends constantly asked me how I coped with his dirty home. It was somewhat messy but not too bad. Turned out he was making a massive effort at the start for him and he was a pig in reality

other boyfriend before him- he told me right off the bat he could be jealous. He ended to being massively jealous, controlling bad possessive

Told me he spends a lot of time with his mothers because he recently lost his father. Turns out his dad died about 5 years before I met him and him and his brother (45 and 49) never actually left home. It didn't last very long at all.

Went home to his mum the week my dad died, leaving children to fend for themselves-never bothered with funeral 🤔

Drinking heavily every weekend.
Little lies, end up being a whole web of lies and not knowing what's the truth or lie.
Women that keep contacting him even though he claims it's them not him, as above.
Never settled down.
It's my fault apparently for not giving him enough sex or taking care of my appearance for sleazing over other women.
Serious dept problems.
Not being on my side when someone has been mean to me.
These things I have learnt from two exes, red flags I should never stayed for as long as I did.

Partner who disliked his mother.

Partner who mocked everyone and everything. I thought it was witty at first. Turned out he was a total narcissist.

Partner who didn’t do hand holding or cuddles.

Partner who didn’t like animals.

Quick temper
What i know now to be gaslighting
Hating my parents and trying to stop me seeing them
No respect for me and my time I.e phoning me up at 2 a m. to get me to pick him up, and stupidly up I'd get up and go.

Generally being a twat really!

It's too late for me/us but reading back on all the comments I like to think that we're bringing up our kids to be more savvy. No way would my two put up with what I've put up with

Drinkers who won't attend any social function unless alcohol is available - for instance, would never attend a "dry" wedding.

The little lies, right from the start. I overlooked them as everything else seemed ok. The lies turning into gaslighting and passive aggression steadily worsening.
Now 20 years later it’s all becoming so clear to me that he can’t tell the truth about the little things, or about the really important stuff. I can’t respect him anymore, certainly can’t trust him and finally getting things in place to divorce him. I wish I’d paid more attention to the lies right from the start

2nd date my exH told me he'd been/was a cheater. I admired his honesty in a very silly mistake

Turned out
True to his word, He was a cheater with men and women
He was an abusive man with narc tendencies.

I left him. And well divorced from me now. Sadly we share three kids so I can't disconnect totally

Weed. He could 'take it or leave it' apparently. Now he lives in a broken down van to support his habit. Fun times.

Words that came out of his mouth the first time we met were "my ex wife abused me, she hit me, controlled me, made me lose my job and stole all my money". Turned out that was actually him and four years later I also became the "ex that abused him etc" 🙄. Wasn't his fault that his ex became pregnant with their second, a month after having the first child at just 16 years old either, she did it to trap him 🤨. I was so young and naive and it didn't help that he hounded me until I agreed to go out with him (another red flag).

Had an affair for two years behind her husbands back. Texting her exes for 'favours' for 'favours'. Mocking her exes sexual performances and penis size. Always following her own agenda and needs. Wish I'd never bothered.

Telling me he had bugged his first wife’s car
Leaving me alone for hours in a b and b and going off early in the morning for a wander round the town without telling me (pre mobile phones)so I was effectively trapped in the room as he had the car
Abandoning me at his sisters wedding to go off with people he knew while I knew no one
Frequently threatening to end the relationship if I displeased him

Mine- being a 'nice guy' to various women friends, my low self esteem and failure to have addressed childhood traumas that meant I was/am narcissistic.

Hers- extreme jealousy, rewriting history, anger (understandable in context of her upbringing)

Mutual- starting a relationship from an affair, arguments and drama from day 1 of the affair, moving in together from day 1 of leaving spouses, trying to blend families from day 1. Moral compasses that thought affairs equates to 'star crossed love'.

To anyone looking at this from outside it must have looked like a dumpster fire the size of a football pitch. And the dumpster is still biting decades later. We reaped what we had sown.

Burning not biting. Although biting is quite apposite.

I hope you are right.

My teenage dd, bought up in a loving and respectful household, had the most abusive partner for around a year. Psychological and physical. In spite of, not because of, the way she was bought up. She escaped him eventually, but she definitely lives with the ramifications from it 5 years later.

It is easy and safe for us as parents to think that if we do a good job our children will never suffer certain things. But that isn't always true.

@Motnight I think part of my problem was naivety - ie I just had no idea that people like that existed as I’d never come across them before in childhood so you’re probably right about a good upbringing not being any protection. There’s a lot on social media these days tho and I think kids pick up on it. One of my two spotted a toxic friendship before I would have done

At 22 met someone 27 years older, he really charmed me and I do think he was a genuinely good person. We were together for 5 years. Now I look back and think he should've known better and left me alone.

My ex had so many red flags it was more like bunting!
Saying hurtful things to me then denying he said it.
Letting his son be rude and nasty to me.
Mansplaining and correcting me constantly.
Telling me he thinks if a woman withdraws consent after sex has started its not rape, because she consented earlier.
Telling me he used a prostitute when he was younger.