Will I ever get over the sadness of a longed for separation

[lightsonnobodyhere]

It not make sense but by the end of my marriage, the disrespect and disdain shown towards me by my husband , made me want an out.
I got it. He had an affair and left. That was three and a half years ago.
I basically raised our kids while working full time and being main earner.
He was a lazy disinterested husband and father.
Two of our kids have SN.
He was a sex pest and of course I was repulsed by him eventually.
It is Easter weekend.

I am away with one of my kids.
I am so sad.
My eldest is studying at home and the other child is with Dad, solely because she didn't want to leave her friends to go to remote cottage for a weekend.
I see families everywhere I go today.
Laughing, smiling, having lunch and taking photos.
I have a pain in my chest with the sadness of it.
I have emptied myself for my kids and family and here I am lonely, overweight, unfit and lacking in energy.
My friend who has a house here has rang me to go out later for drinks.
In one way I can't think of anything worse but I am going to put some make on and make myself presentable.
I was on line dating but sadly bar one or two, they were all married or attached looking for sex.
Does this hopelessness and despair go away?

I feel.fir u. Even though u wanted out it does not stop u perhaps grieving for what might have been in.different circumstances. I.am.gking through some crap,I have gained weight too and lost my joy. It awful. What i would say is take one day at a time. It is hard seeing happy smiling families. I would say u need to focus on your happiness, without a partner for a while.try to factor in sime me time if u can. It hard. Hand hold

Thank you.
I appreciate the reply.
I'm trying to calorie count to lose the weight and gain energy . I also get a relatively small walk in every day.
My mood is ok mostly... today it hit hard for some reason.

I’m 69 and feel quite positive for the future - I’m sure you have many years/ decades in front of you. Lots of time to start new interests, exercise , hobbies now DCs are older. Don’t give up!

Thanks. I am twenty years your junior. I love your positive attitude !

O.P l feel for you, it's so hard when you see other families out having fun, you can't help wishing things had been different and you could have had that happy family unit.
But you are doing a lovely thing, you have taken your child away for a holiday and your other 2 are safe and happy too, thanks to your efforts. So enjoy your little holiday, take lots of photos, have fun with your youngest and make memories of what a great mum you are! Definitely go out with your friend later, relax and enjoy a drink and their company.
As @GretaGood says, you have plenty of time left for fitness, reinvention, hobbies etc, you are young with lots to look forward to and you are doing great!

It absolutely does get better. I was one of 5hose happy families you talk about seeing today but inside I was dying and behind closed doors I was being beaten.

Everything that glitters is not gold x

Oh god@Whatthefnow I'm
Sorry!
I spend time with friends and am horrified, at the way they speak to each other at times , of how in particular the husbands speak to their wives .
Sarcasm, belittlement , sometimes plain nasty but always loaded with disrespect and disdain in those moments .
It's funny....They will often tell me they're envious of my life .
That's met with a solid ... Don't be !!!!

I totally get you too. Similar story and time frame and I still find it sad, if anything in some ways I found it easier in the beginning because I was relieved he had gone. But now when I see my exH doing it all again with a younger version of me it reminds me of the good times we had at the beginning and I forget the crap bits,his infidelity and what a hard person he was to live with.
We didn't do NC which I regret now, we have stayed too connected for the kids sake so I know far too much about what he & she are up to.
And Easter weekend is a tough one, harder than Christmas in some ways l find. But, as someone else said, once we looked like one of those 'happy' families but we weren't. Lots of them won't be either.
Go for the drink, enjoy the break and know that in reality you are better off out of an unhappy relationship.
It will always be sad on some level because the future you and I envisaged for ourselves still lingers in our minds but it wouldn't have been that future, that one is the rose tinted one we imagined at the beginning.
I hope you manage to enjoy your weekend. x

Thank you.
I am enjoying our walks and lunch and will go out later.
I miss male company. I miss intimacy and affection.
I have so little time with adults too so that's possibly hurting also coupled with guilt that my children do not always bring me the company and fun that I sometimes crave .

@lightsonnobodyhere I know how you feel. My husband left me abruptly 4 weeks ago. I’m doing a bit better, but I understand the physical pain you describe.

I’m on my own today, and there seem to be happy families everywhere. I’ve just done a 5k walk with the dog, which helped.

Go out for the drinks and enjoy yourself!

I see happy families everywhere - especially now the weather is warmer and I feel so sad too. My children are still little. I spent the last 10 years being jealous of anyone with children or happy families out and about due to infertility and loss and now I have my own little family I feel jealous that my family is now divided and broken and terribly angry and bitter that this should have been our time to be happy and instead he couldn't cope with the children we fought to have and left.

A lot of the time he spoke to me with barely concealed resentment and disrespect too - even though I worked my ass off as the higher earner. I definitely don't miss that. But I miss being a family and the company of someone with a long shared history who I can laugh with about what the kids did today or last year or remembering anecdotes from years past. And I feel terribly sad I won't have that with anyone again - well not to extent I had with ex as we were together nearly 20 years

@isthistheendtakeabreath I definitely get that feeling of not having a shared history with someone.
Including dating pre-marriage, we were together 25 years and we know the ins and outs of each other's families and extended family histories.

I know my exH will relish not having that with anyone else, he has reinvented himself and will like his new partner not knowing the person he was before but I feel sad that no one else will ever know me in the same way he does.

I think holidays like Easter definitely bring up those feelings of loss but I guess we just have to acknowledge them, understand them and not berate ourselves for feeling them.
I hope you enjoy time with your precious children this Easter xx

I just want to reach out and wish you well

if it’s any help not everyone is as happy as they look on the outside. I’m married with two dc but feel lonely and bored and struggle with weight (put on this week despite low carb and watching everything)

you need to be happy though - try and find something for you and not put everyone else first

Do not think for one moment that all those happy couples and kids are as happy behind closed doors as you might think they are. Posing for smiley photos whilst out and about, nah, some of them go home to absolute misery together.
As for yourself getting through your current hurdle, get yourself out there because if you don’t go to the world, for sure the world won’t come to you.
Life turns on a sixpence, believe me I know this.
Enjoy your break, put your make up on and get yourself out.

It might be a good idea to break apart the ideas that wanting a new relationship means you haven't got over the sadness of the old one.

You have an ex. He was crap. That's the end of that love story.

Now... time for a new one? What would you like your relationship to be like? What can a relationship do for you? What gaps will it fill in your life?

Make a list (for yourself, but on here too if you like) and then work out which of those things you could do for yourself, or find in other ways than some bloke.

Go and do stuff. You'll meet someone who likes going and doing stuff. Try to meet someone online, and you'll be more likely to find someone who likes... going online.

None of what you want has anything to do with what you had. Otherwise you would have stayed with him. Break free. Look forward. It feels nice!

I think you will get over the sadness op. It's like grieving isn't it. Think how you will feel in a year and a day. Xxx