Am I being ridiculous still grieving for ex who passed away?

[Parke]

I know it’s actually not actually ridiculous but it really feels that way…

I found out a couple of years ago that my ex of 20 years ago (first love) died. I met him while abroad and we were together for two years from when I was 18 and he was in his 20’s and had so many ‘firsts’ together. It was pretty magical. There were also hard times, I fell pregnant and had an abortion and he also lost both his parents during our time together.

I left him and it turns out he never had another girlfriend and slowly drank himself to death. I just miss him so much and dream about him all the time. I’ve had close friends and family pass away before but I’ve never felt this depth of grief. What is going on? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

You are remembering the good times, but it wouldn’t necessarily have been like that if you’d stayed together.
I found that when I lost one person the grief for those gone before came out too, so it was as if I was grieving more for that one person, when I was actually grieving for them all.

Thanks Dusty. Yes it would’ve been pretty awful if we’d stayed together I’d imagine and yes, it does bring out all the past griefs too and kind of compounds them.
This one hit me like a train and I just can’t seem to move past it.

I'm so sorry OP, grief is v complicated. About five years ago I found out that my ex from my early 20's had died. He too was an alcoholic. We went out for 18months and I ended it because I didn't like his drinking habits. He couldn't have just one drink. He either had to have none at all, or get completely drunk. So mainly he got absolutely hammered. But 20 years after breaking up with him, I still felt so sorry when he died. I still do tbh. But time, as with all grief, helps.

So sorry for your loss. Grief isn't linear so be kind to yourself. If you find yourself stuck or unable to move on I would recommend going to a grief counsellor to help.

Maybe you should try some counselling - I feel like this man may represent something to you beyond the person himself. I mean, obviously it's fine to grieve his passing and his unfortunate short life due to alcoholism, but if you weren't in each other's lives any more, it seems like there might be something more going on here. Maybe there's some misplaced guilt?

I think people are over complicating this.

You found out someone you loved/cared deeply for passed away. It is normal to grieve their loss.

As you had not been in contact for a while you didn't have the closure that most do. Maybe talking to someone about it will help.

A lot of people still have a soft spot for their first love.

It leaves an impact. It was probably one of the happest times of your life at one stage. You also went through a lot together too.

He also died very young and had a difficult life.

I'm not surprised you are grieving. I think it's natural and you only need to be concerned if it becomes all consuming and starts to have a negative impact on your own general happiness.

It’s perfectly fine to feel sad about it. Time is a great healer. Do something in his memory

Have you had the chance to get together with other people who knew him?

I lost my ex partner 8years ago and I still miss him but we had 2 kids together and it hit our kids hard plus we was still best friends it's left a huge hole in my life. Just be kind to yourself and always remember the good times. It does get better In time tho.

No you are not wrong for feeling the sadness and loss. He clearly meant a lot to you so this is normal.

Not the same but my ex´s mum, who I adored, passed away a few years ago and I always felt I had no right to grieve her. That I had no right to feel so sad she was gone and that I still think of her and talk about her to my adult daughter, she was her grandmother. But honestly, if someone means a lot to you, then it is only natural to feel the way you do. Not weird at all.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. Grief hits differently every time and he meant a huge amount to you. I wonder if part of your grief is also grief that he had such an unhappy life.

Just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.