Oversensitive or being gaslighted/manipulated?

[tatsat]

Honestly, I am taking up so much head space on this that I need some others perspectives on my DH behaviour (and I guess mine). LTR 25+ years and DC nearly all left home.
I feel like I need to reclaim "me" at this point in my life and am feed up of biting my tongue and not expressing my wants. This sits alongside my DH who I think tries to control me with his behaviours. If I try to challenge him on them (calmly standing my ground not arguments) he will either say I am over sensitive, get angry, or play poor little me victim. Here's some examples. I've been out the last 2 nights, went out earlier in the day, back by 9/9.30pm. I've had for days "I'll be so lonely, I'm all by myself again...do I actually get to spend a night in with you tonight (this morning). This makes me feel guilty and angry at the same time - but if I challenge him I will be told he is "just joking" (a lot of his "jokes" are poor old me/nobody loves me based), or that I am oversensitive and my moods are "all over the place" since perimenopause (to a degree true - but I feel that the real thing that has changed is I no longer bit my tongue like I used to).
He takes a packed lunch to work. Never makes the childrens or my lunches. But will invariably start getting ready for work and say "I suppose I have to make my own lunch...." waiting for me to offer. If it is a school day I will do it automatically as I am already making one, but I really hate that he tries to make me feel guilty and do it when it is not a school day (and even more frustrated with myself that I do it quite a lot when he guilt trips me - sometimes I make an excuse to leave the house early to avoid this!). A real bone of contention is the bath. I know this sounds bat-shit crazy. He likes to share bath water - he prefers a bath, thinks it saves water if we share (one after the other - not together!). This has been going on for a while where he will ask "when are we bathing?" and gets shitty if I say I want to shower (I much prefer a shower 80% of the time). He will guilt trip me ("I'm just trying to save water" " I will just strip wash then"... refuses to shower as he "doesn't like a shower, likes a bath). Because we used to do this when the kids were small he doesn't see why we need to change. So these are all "small" things - we have both always had our own trips away, hobbies, independence etc - but I could give you 100's of examples of other little manipulations. It is wearing me down and I want to scream inside. For context, other people from the outside would see us as a perfect couple. He would say he always supports me - I feel like this is only true when I am being the version of me he wants, and our life behind doors is not what people would think. He is very lovely and complimentary - but I would say a bit love bombing (and again there is lots of guilt tripping wrapped up in this. We live a relatively comfortable life. I am the main bread winner, he has had lots of part-time or no jobs over the years (and some full time), but I also do all life admin, kids etc. He thinks he is hard done by. I don't know if I am making a mountain out of a molehill about things that I should get over, or deal with better. I need to find a way to get over my fear and tackle this - so I can see if it improves or shows me I need to leave. How do i start?

Jesus

I've no idea how you've put up with that for 25 years.

I suggest you get counselling to address why you can't recognise his awful behaviour for what it is and instead allow him to make you feel guilty and manipulate you.

The bathing thing is actually giving me the boak

Is this honestly the kind if relationship you want to model for your kids?

A whiny, needy, controlling manipulative dad and a mum who does everything?

I don’t think you are over sensitive.

You can’t change him though, you can change your reaction.

Look up the grey rock technique. I found it challenging not to react but very helpful.

What they said.
I got the heeby jeebies reading that. It’s definitely not you.

Do you want to stay with him?

If no, if you have fallen out of love with him then just end the relationship.

If you do still love him, but are feeling like you have both drifted apart and become complacent then sit him down. Tell him

You are scared for your relationships future and want to work together to come up with a plan. He needs (you both need) to find an independent hobby and a joint hobby. You will promise X nights a week together at home but that is it. You will 100% not be bathing anymore and that's your choice to make. If he genuinely wants to save water, he will shower as you won't find him at all attractive when he starts to smell. He needs to stop being passive aggressive totally. Don't adore this to pass pass if he refuses to see it get counselling. But be prepared to work on any of his quibbles about you too. You can both make a big effort to do small considerate things for each other. This one really helped me and DH as our kids were leaving home. I make his packed lunches every day for him, really nice ones occasionally with posh bread and home made cakes etc. I write him stupid notes and fake facts to make him laugh. Is not always posh though, Normal ham and cheese etc the rest of the time. He brings me my favourite chocolates or a bunch of flowers every few days. He massages my feet and Cooks my favourite dinner once a week. We have the most beautiful cuddle/massage sessions and he has no expectation of sex- this has really really improved our intimacy. I love to travel and he's not fussed but he willingly goes in one holiday a year with me and fully joins in and I go away for another week or two with other Pele with his blessing. And we are happier now at 22 year mark than ever before.

To clarify, my DH want anything like yours but we did come very close to separating and at times I even thought I hated him ( but I am bipolar). It ask depends on where you WANT to carry on. Nobody would blame you if you are just done with him tbh.

Do you think you have come to a natural end of the relationship? These small things would drive me nuts. I don’t want to sit in the stew of my DH’s bath, nor do I want to follow his schedule of when to wash. He sounds very controlling, talking about being lonely and trying to guilt you into not going out. Why do you make his packed lunch? He’s not a child.

He's certainly trying to make you feel guilty. But you know what's going on, so you can resist it rather than him fooling you into thinking you're a bad person if you don't have a bath or make his lunch?
Or how does he react if you call him out on it?

so I can see if it improves or shows me I need to leave

You need to leave. You don't need to test the situation or test yourself or test him to find out. He manipulates you and belittles your feelings.

There is no objective 'correct' level of sensitivity. How sensitive you are is a representation of who you are. Respect that, or disrespect yourself. If anybody else disrespects it, leave them behind. It's that simple.

The scream inside you is what the real you is doing, or wanting to do. Why are you silencing her? How long has she been trying to argue back with situations and circumstances, and the way you've been treated, and how long have you been gagging her? Usually we start as children, when we have to keep our feelings quiet because something more important to our parents is going on. For me, it was my parents fighting, but for others it can be an illness, a demanding sibling, an addiction... there's lots of things that can happen in our parents' lives that lead to our feelings not being prioritised. What happened when you were a kid, that has lead to you feeling that your emotions need to be kept on the down low?

It sounds horrible. Time to cut the rope and get out, don't you think?

Ugh. He sounds insufferable.