I need to end my relationship but don’t know how

[AFishCalledBarry]

It’s not awful. We rarely argue, there’s no infidelity or abuse, but there are a million reasons why it’s just not right anymore. I have no idea how to actually start the conversation or justify it without saying the wrong thing. Plus there’s the issue and logistics of how on earth I find somewhere else to live.

I’ve felt like this for months now and I keep just letting it drag on because it’s easier that way, but that’s not fair on anyone 😔

Any gentle insight would be most appreciated.

Do you have children? Do you work? Is it possible to stay with friends or family while you sort yourself out?

Can you just say all that?

I think when we take responsibility for a decision like that, we feel we must have a clear reason that's easy to explain. In reality, that only comes with hindsight.

It's also likely that one reason it's not working is that you don't feel fully understood, in which case this situation is unlikely to be be an exception.

It's hard because we long for proper closure, but when ending a relationship often have to move ahead without it, or be stuck for ever.

Good luck!

I work four days a week and have one DD (almost 13 but not DP’s) . I couldn’t bring myself to stay with anyone unfortunately. I’ve had one friend offer, but I know I’d hate it. Plus it wouldn’t be great for DD.

Thank you. What you said about being understood has struck a chord. Communication has always been difficult between us and this is a huge part of my reluctance to say anything.

You don't have to justify it, if you want to end it then that is enough.
He will accept it is over or it isn't, if you get into trying to justify you reasons it leaves it open for him to try to bargain with you and counter the reasons.

How does he feel? Do you think councilling would help?

Are you in a house you cooown? Either way it would be nice for you to get away from it all.

Dint need a big space just something safe and clean. How about applying to council owned accommodation? Your local council can assist with rentals too. Get in touch.

Line something up before you have the conversation.

The fact you have a daughter I mean no way would I want a grown man who’s not related to be around my teen daughter. Fully support getting out of this and giving her more time. Pick up day shifts at the local supermarket if you need to.

How to have the convo? Say you think you’ve outgrown each other and it was good but time has come for a new chapter. You feel this way. Have felt it for good few months if not a year and wish to split amicably. Want to focus on yr daughter and you for now.

Your housing situation is the pivotal point. Do you own, co-own or rent in his name, yours or joint? That will decide whether you stay and ask him to leave or vice versa.
If you’re leaving line up somewhere to live first then just tell him the relationship has naturally come to an end. If you think he’d became angry or violent don’t tell him anything. Leave then tell him via phone call, message etc..

“The fact you have a daughter I mean no way would I want a grown man who’s not related to be around my teen daughter. Fully support getting out of this and giving her more time. Pick up day shifts at the local supermarket if you need to.”

I find this staggering and really sad that this is what you’re focusing on. We’ve been together for over ten years and DD actually has a closer relationship with him than her own father. Plus I’ve got a really good job which I’ve already referred to, so no need for supermarket shifts.

Thank you to everyone else for your replies.
We live in his house and I’m in the process of selling my old place. The plan was always for me to then buy something else as an investment and rent it out, but I’m planning on finding something for me and DD to move into ourselves. Maybe that will be my way of getting the conversation started.

You don't need to justify it OP, nor does he have to agree with your decision. It took me AGES to realise this when ending my marriage. I'd still be in it had I wanted him to "understand" before we split.

What you do next depends on your housing situation really.

Cross posted re your housing. You're in a fabulous position in that case!

Can you not just pull out of the sale of your house until you get some stability and you and your DD move in there?

Good plan!

Is it 10 years since you lived in your previous place? Could you not just stop the sale and move back?

OP: start looking for a new place to live, but discreetly. Once you have an offer on your old place start making offers. Once you have an offer accepted, tell him.

My guess is that the very process of looking for a new home will give you the new perspective from which to start the difficult conversation. It might seem underhand but it is only fair, IMO, to be able to take yourself out of his house once you have told him.

An alternative would be to sort a short term rental so that you are protected from the stress and uncertainty of the house buying process being part of your moving out.

Being a couple is about making the sum add up to more than the parts: you enhance each other’s lives, understand each other like no one else does, are so special to each other, loyal and back to back against the world and in support of each other.

If you don’t have that, it’s no one’s fault, and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, but if you don’t have that you are not giving all of yourself, and there is the possibility that you will recognise it elsewhere. So not a fair way to live unless you do, as some people do, choose this as your way to live.

I think you are in a great position here

could you live in your house you rent out for now? What way would finances work to find somewhere to rent in the meantime ?

I would gently just say to him that things don’t feel right and you don’t feel happy. That’s enough to start things off. You are fully entitled to live a full and happy life without feeling guilty.

This!

Dear OP, I know how you feel as I was in your shoes just couple of years ago. Just like @Bemyclementine said, I too was trying to make some sense of it all and put it in words so that he can understand. It took me few therapy session to learn that no, I do not have to look for excuses, try to explain to my ex, and wait for him to "approve". If you want to get out of your relationship that is all that matters. It is your life, your decision. I always advise people to be short and concise, do not allow yourself to get into to much explaining as this may lead to arguments and eventually he may persuade you not to do it. You simply sit your husband down and tell him: "This is not working for me, I am not happy and I want us to separate." Some people tell their partners, " I do not love you anymore", but I have to admit that I was not able to say it although that was true. Good luck OP.💕