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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexual assault by partner

28 replies

Wiera · 06/04/2023 23:04

Hi, I am not sure if this was sexual assault. I have been seeing him for 3 months we stayed in each other houses generally things were fine we both a bit crazy and enjoyed sex a lot. Recently we discussed and I agree to be tight up. First time was ok nothing kinky as I explained what I wanted and how I wanted it and that I am not into BDSM and don't want anything painful etc. next day he suggested (actually he stated next time he would do fisting and he put his all hand inside me- I said No then he repeated yes I think I say no few times and we ended the conversation). At night during sex I told him he can tight me he did and at some point he started putting his hand I washed sure it happening I am not sure I think I sad no he carried on he didn't ask me if I wanted it. I remember he sad something about me taking it all I don't know why I didn't scream loud I didn't want but I had my hands free so I grab his wrist told him to stop as he was moving it inside he stopped and we carry on I had so much air inside from what he did. I didn't not like it I get pain I was so ashamed next day didn't want to talk about he asked if I enjoyed and I sad I felt pain then he repeated "but did you enjoying?" Ignored what I sad about the pain and sad I would do Kegel exercises and all will be fine. I still had pain next day but don't know why did not really understood what had happened. Just 3rd day after realised what actually happened like I did not want to remember it and think and was ashamed to think and talk about this but it came back to me and also the pain didn't stop got my period 4 days earlier and it never happens also very painful much more painful that usually. I messaged him told him about the pain i had for days and he asked if this was from what "we" did ... and if it was "just" a pain. Next day I told him I didn't want it and i clearly sad No when he mentioned it he didn't reply to it just asked me to call him ... I didn't ignored him and we texted he sad he didn't do anything different to what we did before that I lead him and we stay in contact during and when told him to stop he did... and he never done anything I don't want. I have mixed feelings now I never agreed for it never sad I want. I sad No when he "suggested" to do it. Now he behaves like I let him like I wanted it. I don't know why I was not able to stop him when I realised what he started to do. He behaves like he didn't do anything bad he wanted to come see me take care of me he suggested seeing doctor make sure all ok I told him about the period that started 4 days earlier and is more painful. I don't know what to think about what happened

OP posts:

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 06/04/2023 23:09

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you describe him as your partner but you want to get this guy permanently on the other side of a locked door as quickly as possible.

IwantToRetire · 07/04/2023 00:02

Hi Wiera

The fact that you said NO and he didn't stop means what he did was wrong.

Also you maybe should go to a Doctor, especially as you are suffering paid and period problems. Or at least have a telephone consultation.

And if you want to talk this though with someone you could maybe contact the Naational Rape Crisis support line, or you local Rape Crisis Centre.

Are you in England or Wales, if so this page has the contact details https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/. At the end of that page you can find if there is a local rape crisis helpline. Or go to https://rapecrisis.org.uk/find-a-centre/

There are different support lines for

Scotland https://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/

Northern Ireland https://rapecrisisni.org.uk/

Want to talk?

Our 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line is open 24 hours a day. Call free on 0808 500 222 or find out how you can start a free online chat.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk

ScrollingLeaves · 07/04/2023 00:15

I am so sorry, what he did was very wrong. Please speak to someone from one of the organisations IwantToRetire linked, and please don’t doubt your experience.

You should see a doctor too with all this pain you are having.

Ramblingnamechanger · 07/04/2023 00:20

Sounds like sexual assault to me. Stop seeing him. This is bad but it will escalate.

Noicant · 07/04/2023 00:29

See a doctor asap, get this piece of shit as far away from you as possible. This is not ok. You know what happened don’t let him try to talk you into thinking you consented because you didn’t.

YankeeDad · 07/04/2023 00:37

Bloody hell! That was absolutely sexual assault! Stay away from him and keep yourself safe, and seek medical attention as well.

Original poster

Wiera · 07/04/2023 00:40

He keeps saying he did not do it

That he only put his fingers and didn't put his whole hand

OP posts:

YankeeDad · 07/04/2023 00:44

Wiera · 07/04/2023 00:40

He keeps saying he did not do it

That he only put his fingers and didn't put his whole hand

That does not matter. He caused you pain and then denies and minimises it.

Any decent guy would be mortified to learn he caused you pain, especially in that way. You deserve way better!

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 07/04/2023 00:45

This man hurt you badly. You ask why you didn't stop him. It's because you felt in too much danger.

What you experienced was the "fight, flight, freeze or fawn" response.

You were tied up and totally vulnerable with a man who was already hurting you. You instinctively knew to avoid making him angry by saying no, because of the risk he would hurt you more.

Please look at IWantToRetire's links.

Do not see this man again, and go to the doctor.

EmotionalSupportHyena · 07/04/2023 03:25

Sexual assault is any non-consensual sexual contact. You said you didn’t want him to touch you that way and he did anyway. That’s sexual assault. The reason you feel so confused is because you trusted him and it can be difficult to adjust to the new reality - this man is untrustworthy.

If you go to your nearesf SARC you will be able see a non judgemental doctor and all the staff will be specially trained, including the admin staff.
They won’t expect you to make a police report but they will be able to support you through the process if you decide you want to.
They will be able to refer you on to get some talking therapy too.

Please don’t see him again, you can’t trust him to treat you with respect and you definitely deserve a respectful relationship -being a bit wild doesn’t mean you have to put up with arseholes 💐

Have you got friends, sister, mum you can reach out to in real life?

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/

SARCs

If you’ve recently experienced sexual violence, a Sexual Assault Referral Centre can offer you different kinds of confidential support. Find out more here.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/sexual-assault-referral-centres-sarcs/

Sorchamarie · 07/04/2023 04:38

Echo the other posters who have said you should absolutely not see this man again. What he did was completely wrong and he has shown you that he is NOT someone you can trust. Please please value yourself enough and get well away from him.

ScrollingLeaves · 07/04/2023 10:46

Please see a doctor today. No one can make you do anything you don’t want such as report him to the police, and a doctor wouldn’t try to make you.

But you described a lot of pain and that needs checking. You matter. Your physical and mental health matters.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 07/04/2023 12:51

"He keeps saying he did not do it

That he only put his fingers and didn't put his whole hand"

I would argue this is beside the point, he was doing things to your body for reasons that had nothing to do with your pleasure, indeed that you had explicitly said 'no' to, he was hurting you and didn't immediately stop.

He sounds like he's been watching too much porn and he isn't a person you can trust.

Zanatdy · 07/04/2023 13:45

This is not ok. Nothing wrong with some light bondage but you need to trust the person completely and you clearly told this guy no you did not want that. It’s clearly sexual assault and you need to end this relationship and if you choose not to, never ever allow him to tie you up again as you should not do this with someone you can’t trust. I’d run a million miles

AgrathaChristie · 07/04/2023 14:29

Wiera · 07/04/2023 00:40

He keeps saying he did not do it

That he only put his fingers and didn't put his whole hand

When you said he should have stopped immediately. Any sexual contact when you have said no is assault.
Are you safely away from him, in your own home? Please stay away from him, have no further contact. See a doctor as soon as you can and speak to someone about this awful assault on you, all the links are above, there are people who understand and are experienced at helping. You can report it to the police.

EarthSight · 07/04/2023 14:33

Your post is quite hard to read, but I think you need to see a doctor, and yes I think he's sexually abusing you. He is treating you mainly like a sex doll, doing things to you instead of with you.

I don't know why I was not able to stop him when I realised what he started to do

Because you felt powerless. You already knew your 'no' had or was being ignored. I think you were doing it as an act of self-preservation, to stop the situation from getting worse, from escalating.

Dump him. He is manipulating you and walking all over you.

iamenough2023 · 07/04/2023 18:58

Omg, I am sorry, I may be very sexualy conservative, but I do not get bondage and the stuff at all. I would feel so powerless. As for him putting the whole fist inside you? Is this something people do nowadays? Dear god, I fear for my daughters.

OP, first of all, please go to see gynecologist. Whatever happened there is making you hurt, so definitely consult with a specialist. Next, stop all contact with this man, he is sick and totally out of control, he thinks he is entitled to do anything he wants to you and will, I am sure of it. Lastly, I would go to the police and explain the whole incident. I do not know what if anything they will do to him, but he should be warned so that the would not be going around sexually insulting other women. Good luck and all the best to you💕

category12 · 07/04/2023 19:14

The details don't matter - he performed an act on you that you'd already said you didn't want, and continued despite you not wanting it, and only stopped when you physically stopped him. None of that is OK.

Just dump the guy.

The man you sleep with should be trustworthy enough to
a. only do things you agree to,
b. stop instantly there's a no, or if it's not fun for you, or there's pain for you
c. care about your health and wellbeing after sex as well as during it.
He's not that guy.

EmotionalSupportHyena · 07/04/2023 21:07

Hope you are OK this evening @Wiera - just checking in to say I’m thinking of you.

Original poster

Wiera · 08/04/2023 10:24

Thank you all for the support yes I am safe

OP posts:

EmotionalSupportHyena · 08/04/2023 10:46

❤️

IwantToRetire · 08/04/2023 22:32

Thank you all for the support yes I am safe

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 08/04/2023 22:35

sending virtual hugs, thanks for the up date OP

Original poster

Wiera · 11/04/2023 19:01

He came on Friday evening I didn't want I told him not to come as I would not open the door. He waited 3 hours I felt bad and let him in. He never admitted he put it whole I didn't not see it but he admitted he was trying and when I sad no he stopped so his excuse was that he did not want to hurt me and he didn't do anything I didn't want. I told him that he still tried to do it without asking me if I wanted. Also that I was fine for 2 days I didn't raise any concerns and if I told him he would make sure everything is ok. He admitted it was mistake he did not keep verbal communication during. He did not touch me or wanted any kind of sexual interaction since Friday evening. We spent Saturday and Sunday together. He was carrying and wanted to take me to the doctor. I don't know what to think about what happened. I wonder if he got scared I would report him to the police so he was so desperate to fix it, take me out so he has proof on street cameras that I was fine as if he did something bad to me I wouldn't gone out with him.

OP posts:

EmotionalSupportHyena · 11/04/2023 19:09

Regardless of his intent on Friday, your trust is gone.

And rightly so, he doesn’t deserve your trust.

Please put yourself first and cut this arsehole from your life. Walk away and don’t look back.

Do contact a helpline or a local crisis service, don’t feel like you can’t because your head is wrecked and you aren’t quite sure what to think - sadly, most women’s experience of sexual assault will involve a perpetrator they knew and trusted and the uncertainty you feel is part of that.

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