I've been separated with my husband for 2,5 years but still living under the same roof untill early this year. Divorce is under way but it could take months to be resolved.
Last years were tough. Ex H mental health issues (anger towards kids, meltdowns, depression, suicidal threats, possible linked to autism for which he is now starting with the assessment) took a toll on the whole family. Since STBEX moved out we can finally live more peacefully. We managed to establish reasonably regular visitations of kids at their father but I hear from kids that ex's anger issues continue.
Despite a long period of separation (or maybe exactly because of that), I realise that H is still not over me. He knows that our relationship was not good, that in the end we had nothing to give to each other. But we were together for 20 years and he seems to be unable to get over the breakup. During the separation he was several times mentioning suicide and I believe that in some crtitical moments he is able to do it. But given that the relationship was really toxic and his anger towards kids was increasing (no physical violence but shouting at them when they would not listen), I had to save myself and kids.
In these turbulent times, I've met someone else. I know it is still early days but we connect on many levels and he is all I was longing for in a relationship. I have a very open relationship with kids. I expect them to trust me and at certain point I could not hide this realationship from them because I would have to lie to them and I did not want to do that. They haven't met him yet, but would like to.
I asked ex H when we were still together and during separation to seek medical help. He made some small steps but never persisted in therapy for long enough to be effective. He is very lonely, has very few social contacts and noone he could really lean on for support. I can not support him any longer because I am just extending his (now unhealthy) bond with me. However, in the last two weeks my STBEX's mental health started to decline further. I know that I should tell him about my relationship soon (especially now that kids know) but I fear that that would push him to hurt himself. I know that he is an adult and responsible for his own life but he is also the father of my children.
After a long marriage, of which at least the last 5 years were one big struggle, I want to move on. I don't want to let go my (likely) the only chance to be with someone that truly feels like a soulmate and we share so many values. For me this is no way a rebound relationship as I had enough time to (also through therapy) analyse what brought me to such marriage.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you tell them about a new partner when you knew that that would hurt them a lot?