She’s using DN to control the situation

[fruitscran]

I can’t make head nor tail of it

My sister is a difficult character, very emotionally demanding and commands all the attention most the time. She is extremely intelligent and knows how to manipulate people and is good at immediately reading someone and knowing how to unnerve them and put them on edge. I’m not a psychiatrist so can’t even guess at why, but everything I’ve read online points towards some level of narcissism. However, she is not entirely self orientated and is very keen to be seen by the world as someone who helps others and does kind things.

She seems to need a lot from me. Most recently I couldn’t attend a Pilates class with her and suggested an alternate catch up instead the following day when she said she was free and she reacted massively to this, asking for space and then ignoring all my messages completely. She has said she ‘deserves better’ than the treatment I give her. I am a bit baffled really. She’s now not talking to me yet has told relatives I’m neglecting her and losing out on time I’ll never get back as an auntie. (She had her lovely first born 4 months ago) This feels like the biggest guilt trip ever! There’s lots of family on BIL’s side but she won’t let some of them even hold the baby and never has simply because she does not like them. When she is speaking to me she will tell me this as if she is proud of it, and is always ready to tear them apart and doesn’t seem to care if BIL is there. He just stays quiet and lets her say what you like

How do you even respond to a character like this? She isn’t kind at the best of times but why can’t things just be amicable? Am I clinging on to false hope thinking she’ll change? She’s had mental health difficulties in the past so I want to be there for her, and I don’t want to never know DN which is why I am hesitant to go NC. I can’t attribute this behaviour to any PND because it’s been ongoing for a couple of years now so I’m a bit clueless as to where to go next with this

Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you

you said in your post that ‘it’s been going on a couple of years’ - that doesn’t make her a narcissist - someone doesn’t turn into a narcissist later in life. There must be something underlying her behaviour though. I find with people who develop controlling tendencies it’s usually because they feel out of control in another part of their life, the trick is to find what that is.
Also with regards to you dismissing PND, if it’s untreated it can linger on for many years.

This is her first baby and her behaviour was like this, if not worse, before the pregnancy. I did say a couple of years but I can see signs of this right back from when we were in school

I’m so sorry, and I know this is painful. But you aren’t going to fix her. You can only control yourself. The more you try to appease her the worse she will become. So you just have to decide you aren’t playing this game.

I can imagine your childhood with her was also very difficult, what were your parents like at this time?.

Drop the rope she holds out to you here. She only wants to harangue you as the scapegoat, she does not want your help and support. As the scapegoat you need help and support far more.

You cannot fix someone this disordered of thinking so do not try.

Do read the Out of the Fog website . It’s not your fault your sister is like this and you did not make her that way either. She won’t likely want you to have a relationship with her child and besides which her child will become more influenced by her as the years pass.