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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on?

10 replies

Momioo · 06/04/2023 11:22

husband And I have been together 20 years. In last couple of years we hardly ever have sex. We tried last night and there was no vibe.
he only wants to have it if I’m dressed up. Which is fine, I do all that but there’s nothing from him. He just expects me to perform for him.
He doesn’t want to have “normal” sex in bed and he hardly ever hugs and kisses me in the day.
he says it’s all my fault and I need to be honest with myself. I feel like I make all the effort and he doesn’t.
I love him and don’t want us to spilt up but I’m at a loss. Help?

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 06/04/2023 11:26

he says it’s all my fault and I need to be honest with myself.

Nice. In what way does he think this?

Original poster
Momioo · 06/04/2023 11:28

Because I told him last night there was no vibe. I’m not a robot, I can’t just get up without any engagement from him. No kisses no nothing. He says right what are we doing. And I don’t find that very desirable. Would you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Momioo · 06/04/2023 11:36

Really appreciate some help. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or not.

OP posts:
PurpleReindeer2 · 06/04/2023 12:03

Maybe you just need romance rather than to just feel like a sex object. He sounds a bit unloving.

Spottycarousel · 06/04/2023 12:09

Sounds like he isn't prepared to make any effort and is happy to put all the blame on you.

I wouldn't be in the mood either.

If he can't do his part in making sex enjoyable then what's the point? I'd be considering leaving. Does he often blame you for things?

Original poster
Momioo · 06/04/2023 12:18

Yes. Everything is usually my fault.
he says we never used to have a problem. And he’s right, but that was when he was hugging and kissing me more. We don’t even kiss eachother good night. I stopped when he acted like he didn’t really want to. Now I don’t bother.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 06/04/2023 12:22

Have you told him how you feel and made clear you want to feel he loves and desires you romantically as well as sexually?

If he just gets defensive and blames you then there's nothing left of the relationship to work with sadly

Original poster
Momioo · 06/04/2023 12:24

He will say we never needed to before. He doesn’t understand that we used to be more sexually connected because he was always touchy feely. Now nothing

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 06/04/2023 12:28

He should understand that YOU are unhappy and be prepared to address that even if he doesn't agree with the reasons.

If he can't the relationship is finished.

Elizabeth1985 · 07/04/2023 17:12

I feel for you OP. Same situation and stuck. Do you have any kids? How old?

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