Toxic extended family and DC

[DrowningInToxicity]

I’m starting to think there is no choice but to put up with toxic behaviour from extended family members if you have kids.
Ive gone LC and NC and none of it stops. The extended family gang up together rewriting history. They send manipulative letters to my children and have made it clear they intend on “setting the kids straight” (ie turn our kids against us) in the future. The extended family ruined both mine and DHs childhoods (both have toxic family’s). Since we have been adults they have tried to sabotage everything we have built. We are the scapegoat in each of our family’s. Since we have had DC their aim has seemed to have been to drive a wedge between us and our DC. We have stopped all contact, but now they send letters to our DC. As our kids get older the extended family will likely increase that through social media etc. I feel like my life and future are ruined. They always win. I hate being related to these people, but I feel powerless even though we currently don’t see them. I’m on pins always waiting for them to find another way to contact us. It’s never going to end. We can say no to them all we like, but they will do their damage through our DC. When we saw them they were spiteful, but now we are NC we are on the end of their rage too. This is what has led me to believe there is no choice and NC wasn’t a good idea. These people always win.

What ages are your children? This sounds like harassment and I'm sorry you have to deal with it (have a narcissist mother with flying monkey family myself). It might be an idea to ask the police what they think. I'd keep the letters and any messages as evidence.

The letters are written in such a way there is nothing to report. They are basically “mean mummy and Daddy” messages and painting themselves as perfect.
The DC are all under 12 years old.
The toxic family make me hate living. Some of the flying monkeys they send we have never met, we don’t know their names. The family have spread lies about us to isolate us. It’s hell.

What do you do with these letters?. I sincerely hope you shred them without reading them. They can only contact you via so many methods and you can block them all. You have more power here than you think you do and you certainly do not have to put up with toxic family members just because you have children.

With regards to the flying monkeys these people do not have your interests at all at heart so their opinion needs to be ignored too. Do not have anything either to do with them.

Your children, if they go onto use any social media, will need to have the highest security settings possible. Infact I would encourage them going forward not to be on anything like FB because that is an ideal tool for narcissists also.

Have you at all thought about moving?.

Stop the letters reaching your children.

You are the parent.

Do not allow these people to reach them on social media.

Can you move?

If you can at all, move away.

If people come to your door, report them to 101 for harassment.

Do not give up and sacrifice your children.

There is much more you can do, don't give in to them.

I went no contact with my Mother. She sent family and friends to my door, left cards a need presents on my door step, emailed, text, drove past my house slowly, popped up out of nowhere in shops and basically pissed all over me, just as she had done all my miserable life.

So, I moved 200 miles away, cut off two siblings, blocked them all on every channel and changed my name.

I know it's drastic but the feeling of living without fear is amazing.

How are these letter reaching your children?

When I went nc with dm she tried contacting my ds via her friend at her home address. I left left a vm suggesting I would seek legal advice. Yanbu to bin any letters unread imo. Yabu to accept your dc need any contact or relationship with these people..

Why are you giving these letters to your children? I am NC with my entire family. We moved and they have no idea where we live and will not be able to find us or dc. When they did previously send letters they went in the bin and gifts went straight to charity shop. Ultimately, you are your dc’s best defence against this nonsense, even if it takes moving far away, then it’s worth it to protect them.

As for social media, mine are similar ages and have no social media presence. But when they get older and eventually do, the settings will be very strict and I’ll check their accounts every day to make sure they are safe (from everyone, not just my crazy family).

As the parent you get to decide who is appropriate for your dc to have in their lives. You are allowing the wrong ones in op.

Step 1. Intercept letters, you're the parent. There is no need for them to get them.
Step 2. Make it very clear that any future correspondence will be considered harassment, do with with the help of a solicitor.
Step 3 (should 1&2 fail) Change address, ideally a whole new start somewhere completely different.

I caught BIL telling DS that I was 'mean' and other such shite when he was 3 and they have never been alone in his company again. At a family funeral neither DC recognised him. Do not allow this nonsense.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for your reply. I read the letters, but don’t let the DC read them, I worry that will bite me one day too. I can’t cope with it anymore. We have considered moving but they would just follow us. We live on a busy main road local to them, if they saw a removal truck they would just follow it. They are all retired with all the time in the world. It feels like a lost cause. It feels like no matter what I do they will destroy it, because they always successfully have.
@billy1966 We have started not answering the door. We have had a spate of people come to the door with their faces completely concealed, it’s scaring me because I can’t imagine why someone would want to conceal their face and they knock hard at the door. How do I report that to the police without sounding mad or like I’m a snob judging what they are wearing?
@Minimalme and @mindutopia how did you make the move without your family seeing? Did they watch your house more when the for sale/to let board went up?

Many years ago, I needed to get away from unpleasant neighbours, and even back in the day, the estate agent did not turn a hair when I said that I did not want a "For Sale" notice on the house; it did not stop me getting viewings and arranging a sale.
When moving time came, I arranged to stay with a good friend for a few days (I didn't move that far, and I had a car) and managed to move some possessions piecemeal before the big day, a bagful at a time.
If your basic essentials are with you, would you consider getting the removal van to take large items to a storage facility, on a temporary basis, or is that too costly, or bonkers, a suggestion? Staking out a storage facility on the off-chance could become tiresome for them.
As for the children; they leave for school one morning as usual, you collect them at the end of the school day and go straight to the new address.
One of my nasty neighbour's bits of constant low-level harassment was to "accidentally" box my car in, hoping to engineer a row. Parking in London being what it is, malicious intent was easily deniable. Nothing was too petty.
I wasn't there for moving day; a trusted friend was on standby to let the removal men in, while I "waited at the other end", but I learned later that the neighbour's car, placed for my annoyance, actually got blocked in by the removal van; I wish I could have been there for that bit!
What the silly man never knew was the benefit he gave me; my ability to extricate my car out of tight spots has been a useful life skill.

twosheds is right, it can be managed.

Move as far away as possible so you're in a new town.

No for sale sign on the house.

Get the removals company to deliver all your stuff to a storage facility.

Think about changing all your names by deed poll to a variant of your original name.

New start.

In the meantime,

Do you have a ring doorbell BTW? even if they cover their faces, you've got a record of letters being dropped off and know who they're from.

You could also get a solicitor to issue a cease and dissist letter to give them a final chance. Pick the key culprits and then include the line that any form of contact including via a third party will be considered harassment. Reference instances you've recorded on your ring doorbell, so they know you are recording everything.

Don't give up. You're fighting for your kids to be free of this toxic mess.

I long ago moved away so they were not local to me. They could have turned up at the old house I suppose, but they are much more comfortable over social media/messages etc. So was easy to up and go.

So when we made the last move, I just made sure I’d deleted and blocked anyone who might share information about me on social media. I had learnt that a friend of 20+ years had been finding photos and information about my children and passing them on. I blocked her and her entire family. And I made sure that absolutely all of my friends and friends of my family knew what happened and the reason we were NC. Actually 95% of them were supportive and have been wonderful to me.

We didn’t need to, but I would consider moving and then moving again so you could throw them off the trail. Put stuff in storage, live somewhere temporary for 2-3 months, then move again. Take yourself off the public electoral register. Seems like a small hassle for the peace. My life is very peaceful now.

But bloody hell, if people were showing up to my house with faces disguised, yes, I’d get a cctv and I’d be reporting it to the police every time.

@twoshedsjackson Thats a reassuring story that you were able to move undetected, and a bonus that you learnt a driving skill in the process.
Its awful that people can behave in such a way that moving has to be the only option.

I’m NC with my sister she’s sent letters and cards here for the kids but I don’t read them they go straight in the bin! I’m planning to move so she doesn’t know where we are yes she could try SM when they are older but as they would have had no proper relationship with her for many years I doubt they will fall for anything she says. You are giving them too much power imo

I hope this would be true for my DC too. The problem is it’s not just 1 individual in our situation, it’s most of the family. They are a mixture of people with strong narcissistic traits, enablers and flying monkeys. They all back each other up and lie and gaslight. They are awful.

It's really hard to stick up for yourself against people who have tried to break you down your whole life.

To misuse a sports slogan "Feel the fear and do it anyway".

I have done nothing bravely. When I bumped into my Mother in M&S I hid and cried in a changing room until my sister came to rescue me. I have felt scared my whole life, so in the end I thought "fuck it, how much worse could it be?"

I told my family I was moving within the same town and told no one the address.

Sibling pestered and cried for my address but we moved again 6 months later 200 miles away. They are all blocked on everything. I had a total name change and even closed my bank account so they can't put money in for me and my kids birthday and Xmas.

One thing which bothered me was if my kids were left anything in her will - I didn't want them to miss out, so I gave her solicitors my old name and new address in the event of her death.

You can do this op. You deserve peace.

Also, my children are aware of how my family abused me. It is good for them to know the kind of people I came from but chose not to be.

@Minimalme What you wrote about what happened to you in M&S resonated with me so much. I have done similar and I’ve had panic attacks if I think I have glimpsed them.
They hold power over me, and I know logically that is because I let them. The bottom line is I don’t know how to deal with them. Any reaction or non reaction is used against me and is used to up their campaign against me. I feel trapped.

In your situation op I'd move and change all your surnames via deed poll. The kids can start secondary school with new surnames for you all. Let the kids pick a surname they like and you all do it. Move as far away as possible