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Original poster

How to deal with irrationality

27 replies

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:29

DH has mental health problems, and spirals into irrational behaviour catastrophising tiny arguments into huge disasters.

When he eventually apologises, he apologises for his initial argument, and I'll apologise for over reacting and getting upset. But should I just let the rest of it drop - or should I try and get him to see how irrational he subsequently became and ask him to apologise for that too?

I just don't know how to get past the ridiculous arguments over nothing that turn into him acting like the world is going to end.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:32

Tell him it's deeply unattractive and horrible to live with. It's true after all and the responsibility for his behaviour lies with him.

Have a feeling he'd kick off like fuck over it...

PaintedEgg · 06/04/2023 09:32

catastrophising is a sign of anxiety and it has to be addressed and it can get worse with time

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:34

Yeah he definitely suffers from anxiety and mental health problems - he's supposed to have regular counselling, but he's let it slide recently.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:35

Absolutely. It's not for you to navigate and accomodate his disproportionate reactions, it's for him to seek support for and take action to reduce.

PaintedEgg · 06/04/2023 09:38

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:34

Yeah he definitely suffers from anxiety and mental health problems - he's supposed to have regular counselling, but he's let it slide recently.

speaking as someone who has anxiety - it is responsibility of the person with the illness to manage it. It's not your job to manage him spiralling down, especially if he has neglected his treatment (counselling). While calm, you can tell him that he is exaggerating issues and spiralling during argument, he should go back to therapy and from now on you will refuse to engage with him when he does that as he clearly stopped putting effort in managing his condition

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:41

This is what i'm so bad at - I get dragged into the argument, and defend myself against the irrational accusations.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:50

And then I over react because I also have anxiety and issues with being blamed for stuff that I know I didn't do.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 09:52

I'm so exhausted by it

OP posts:

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:53

Yes it's draining and tedious. You have a choice.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 10:00

P.s I realise I sound quite callous but at 47 now I've worn the t-shirt. As much as we can sympathise with someone experiencing mental health issues, it doesn't equate to me that my role is to accept a lower standard of living to accomodate it, particularly when that person is unwilling to take responsibility for their own conduct and seek professional help. If their therapy is to lay it all on me, they can go to hell.
I matter, you matter. It is not for us to sacrifice, it is for them to address.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 10:02

P.p.s Women are socially conditioned to be nurturing, passive and supportive to their own detriment. Don't accept it.

Soontobemumof2x · 06/04/2023 10:04

I dated someone like this a few years ago and it was honestly draining. Safe to say the relationship didn’t last and I grew extremely tired of battling with him.

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 11:11

How do I walk away from the irrational bits of the argument? I struggle to let it go when he's so irrationally nasty.

I expect he'll apologise at some point today, but he's likely to minimise his catastrophic behaviour and only apologise for the minimal stuff he did at the start. Then I'll want to talk about the other bits - the awful bits, and that's when the argument reignites.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 12:35

Yes he doesn't want you to recount the nasty bits. He'd far rather you just shut up about that and carry on as is.

If you want to be a verbal punchbag, agree.

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 06/04/2023 12:55

This is giving me flashbacks to arguing with my ex. Turns out he was a covert narcissist. Have a look at Dr Ramani's videos on covert narcissists on YT, see if it sounds familiar.

Frogger8395 · 06/04/2023 13:23

This is what i'm so bad at - I get dragged into the argument, and defend myself against the irrational accusations.

Another word for irrational accusations is gaslighting.

vamptable · 06/04/2023 13:40

I have been in a relationship like this. We were at a point of his actual friends and family having witnessed an argument, telling him he was wrong, siding with me firmly, and he still would not back down.
I think his mental health issues genuinely made him believe his version of events at the time - I don't think he was knowingly gaslighting me. But that didn't make it fair - problems only ever half being resolved and just swallowing all the hurt to avoid another argument was never fair to me and it isn't to you either OP.

Basically he needs to deal with his own shit. The mental health issues aren't his fault, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to take accountability for the way he is behaving. He needs to realize that his issues are making his reactions disproportionate and seek help for this - until he does, you will continue to go in circles

vamptable · 06/04/2023 13:43

Oh and I left him because, despite my begging, nothing changed. By the end of the relationship I was a shadow of my former self - as you say, it is so so draining and leaves a person doubting their own reality.

If he won't seek help, don't stick around because it won't change and ultimately your mental health will suffer immensely

Original poster

RedSpatula · 06/04/2023 20:27

Yeah several family members have witnessed his outbursts and have been really shocked at his irrationality. They have had a word with him on several occasions. He always sees the truth eventually - but it takes HOURS for him to get to that stage. And then he forgets, and thinks it's all gone away... then he does it again.

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vamptable · 06/04/2023 21:20

Yep sounds very familiar @RedSpatula
In the moment he probably really does believe what he's saying, then he calms down and realizes he's wrong. But it will probably just keep happening until he sees someone as it's likely not a pattern of thinking he can decide to snap out of by himself, in the moment when emotions are high. In my experience there was absolutely no talking sense into my ex - no matter many times I tried to explain how irrational he was being, and how distorted his view was from reality, he would not get it.

I really do feel for you as it's so hard to put your foot down when you know it's stemming from mental illness. That and just wanting a bit of peace so deciding to let things slide when really you shouldn't. All you can do is encourage him to seek help - if he won't, you've got to do what's best for you

Moser85 · 07/04/2023 03:17

What other mental health issues does he have? Is he on medication?

mathanxiety · 07/04/2023 03:46

You need to stop apologizing for overreacting. You're not overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting.

He needs to engage with his therapy.

You're not a therapist. You're not there to absorb his problems and keep on soldiering on. Walk away when conversations go tits up. Warn him you're going to do it and tell him why. He needs to be made aware of the effect he's having on you, and you need to set boundaries here.

This recurrent issue needs to be addressed in his therapy. He needs to work hard at it.

What contact do you have with his therapist? Do you have a therapist yourself?

I've had experience of catastrophising on the part of exH. I couldn't stand it. It wasn't the only reason we divorced, not by a long shot, but it was deeply alienating.

Rollerpiggy · 07/04/2023 04:16

When he starts, physically remove yourself from the house/car wherever he is. Go out and let him think and calm down. It’s only a game if two people play it , let him play alone. When you get back an hour later ask him “ are you sorted now?” If he starts , go out again. Stop entertaining this madness, he is looking for your reaction to be over the top to give fuel to his nonsense. Don’t play, go out.

Original poster

RedSpatula · 16/04/2023 09:34

Really good advice, thank you all.

He started again last night - this time he told me he was suspicious of my online activity and didn't trust me. It is totally unfounded so I told him that - I said I'm not going to defend myself for going on Insta, because it's so utterly absurd that I wasn't engaging with it. It still really hurt me though.

He calmed down and started to see sense - he believed me when I told him he was spiralling, but he admitted he couldn't see it himself.

He has counselling booked for next week. I'm not convinced his counsellor is the right one for him - the counsellor keeps agreeing that he's fine and doesn't need any more sessions. I strongly disagree and I'm surprised his counsellor can't see that - I suspect DH isn't honest with him about how bad his mental health is.

OP posts:

PomPomtheGreat · 16/04/2023 09:50

In your position, I would be making it an ultimatum that he saw a GP with me and was referred to someone better than this counsellor. It sounds as though psychosis is a very possible issue. The irrational suspicions and failure to let things drop or accept logical reasoning strongly point this way. Don't let this slide. It sounds as though he is fairly unwell, and it needs dealing with now.

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