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Jess362 · 2023-04-05T21:31:32+00:00

Does anyone here have to ask their other half to go out ? Or have a restriction of how much time they spend with their friends? My partner always says I put others before him because I see my friends a couple of times a week. I’m genuinely stating to think maybe Im in the wrong. i honestly don’t know what I’ve done wrong - I’m not out every night and I always make sure I spend time with him/cook us dinner. We also live together. What’s acceptable and what isn’t ?

Summerhillsquare · 05/04/2023 22:32

What's acceptable is no control at all. He'll have you chained to the kitchen sink before you know it.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 05/04/2023 22:33

Whatever you agree to be honest. I go out maybe once a month, my oh hadn't been out in three years: - ) I have never had more than an hour in the house alone. That suits us.

pictoosh · 05/04/2023 22:34

What he presents as 'putting other people before him' probably translates as 'has people other than him'.
What do you think?

SundayCovid · 05/04/2023 22:34

I don't have to ask permission to go out - neither does DH.

We do check in with each other that it's convenient (e.g. "I was going to see Sam on Friday night, are you okay to handle DC's bedtime?").

I go out every week or so, him less often (his choice, I'm just more sociable).

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:36

Does anyone have to ask their other half to go out?
No because he isn't my parent and I'm an adult.

If you were out 24/7 I'd kind of understand if wanted to see you a bit more but I still wouldn't be asking for permission to go and see people.

Does he not go and see anyone? Does he have friends?

Everyone's allowed to do their own thing.

Orangetapemeasure · 05/04/2023 22:41

You have to work out what works for you. My DH works away Monday - Thursday. The weekend days are often filled with kid stuff. DH really objects if I then plan to fill the weekend with my friends. He’s happy to host whole families at our house or have couple evenings out, and I always run with a friend on Sunday, but he does get upset if I arrange regular 1:1 girl time on Friday or sat night….so I usually don’t.

Nellieinthebarn · 05/04/2023 22:43

This is controlling and gaslighting. Its abuse.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 05/04/2023 22:46

You should never need to ask permission. Permission is a thing to be granted when the choice is theirs not yours. This is not acceptable in a relationship of two equal adults.
If I'm going out I will arrange it and decide it entirely autonomously and that's how it should be. I might check in with DH first if I think it might clash with something that affects him. Or I might run the plan past him to make sure he can cover giving the kids dinner or whatever... Just normal courtesy or logistical aspects... But permission. No never.

If your social life was impacting on family life detrimentally, or coming between you and a couple because you were too hungover all the time to give time to your relationship then maybe him objecting to that would be reasonable. But seeing friends couple of times a week is hardly excessive! Sure there are couples out there who barely ever go out, or once a month is normal.... But that's not a bench mark for you to measure your life by. You go out as often as you want for the level of socialising that 'you're* happy with and you can afford.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 05/04/2023 22:50

Personally, what you've described is a massive red flag and based on that information I'd be predicting a pretty miserable existence is in your future because you have a man who thinks you not spending all your time with him means you are failing to put him first. 😱

Time away from your significant other is healthy, desirable and does not mean he isn't a priority - that's really messed up thinking.

Original poster

Jess362 · 05/04/2023 22:58

Thanks everyone, I probably didn’t make it clear but when I say see the girls a couple of times a week it’s literally on a week night for a couple of hours or maybe once at the weekend for a coffee or breakfast. It’s not full days out as such.

we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back from a breakup and in that year apart I’ve been used to my free time and seeing what makes me happy. I really am at a loss - he has a little girl and I always make sure I’m there for family time.
he makes out like I never put him first but it’s now at a point that’s all I think about - whenever anyone asks me to meet I just dread telling him.

also before we started to rebuild our relationship my friend invited me to her birthday party which is on his birthday. I agreed as we weren’t talking but now he thinks I should spend it with him. I’ve explained I can’t let my friend down - but now I feel guilty

OP posts:

neveradullmoment99 · 05/04/2023 22:58

He's controlling you.
No, it's not normal.
Red flag.

neveradullmoment99 · 05/04/2023 23:01

Jess362 · 05/04/2023 22:58

Thanks everyone, I probably didn’t make it clear but when I say see the girls a couple of times a week it’s literally on a week night for a couple of hours or maybe once at the weekend for a coffee or breakfast. It’s not full days out as such.

we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back from a breakup and in that year apart I’ve been used to my free time and seeing what makes me happy. I really am at a loss - he has a little girl and I always make sure I’m there for family time.
he makes out like I never put him first but it’s now at a point that’s all I think about - whenever anyone asks me to meet I just dread telling him.

also before we started to rebuild our relationship my friend invited me to her birthday party which is on his birthday. I agreed as we weren’t talking but now he thinks I should spend it with him. I’ve explained I can’t let my friend down - but now I feel guilty

Definitely not right.
You dread telling him - that says it all.
I think you should consider your options, honestly. I've been there.

Triffid1 · 05/04/2023 23:28

Why did you break up in the first place? Because its hard to understand why you would go back to a man who is so controlling. You "dread" telling him a friend has invited you out? Very bad sign.

What does he expect? When you are home do you have to he with him all the time? Does he get upset if you want to watch something different or go for a bath?

Wnfatt22 · 05/04/2023 23:35

You dread telling him you’re seeing friends. Please leave, this is not how a healthy relationship functions

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 06/04/2023 00:08

Op. Run for the hills!

You can celebrate his birthday another day/the next evening.... He's not 5... You had plans with your friend, whose birthday it also is... Not bailing on plans you've made is normal basic human civility. The fact he's kicking up a sink about it is crap. You dread telling him you've got plans.... No no no no no no no. This is not healthy or normal.

Stop trying to rebuild and run.

2023issucky · 06/04/2023 00:22

Nope I don't ask permission, never have. I used to check with him because we had kids and he might have also made plans. I also "ask" out of general politeness, but if he said no, for no good reason, he knows I would go anyways.
We are both adults, and don't require each other's permission.
I go out quite regularly, even weekends and week long holidays.

RobertsRadio · 06/04/2023 00:44

Well if you fancy spending the rest of your life as a Stepford wife, always having to ask your husband for permission to go out without him and making sure you cook his dinner every night and are always available to look after his child, then you are with the right man.

If, however, you want to Iive your life as a free adult women able to see who she likes and when she likes, then please run head for the door marked Exit.

Dery · 06/04/2023 00:47

This is worrying. Please end the relationship again. I check in with my DH about evening plans to make sure there’s not a clash with something we have planned (he’s better with the family calendar than I am) but not to get his permission. Also - this language about you “putting him first” makes me nervous. Why should you put his needs ahead of yours? That’s not healthy in a relationship.

Sindonym · 06/04/2023 08:13

Jess362 · 05/04/2023 22:58

Thanks everyone, I probably didn’t make it clear but when I say see the girls a couple of times a week it’s literally on a week night for a couple of hours or maybe once at the weekend for a coffee or breakfast. It’s not full days out as such.

we’re trying to rebuild our relationship back from a breakup and in that year apart I’ve been used to my free time and seeing what makes me happy. I really am at a loss - he has a little girl and I always make sure I’m there for family time.
he makes out like I never put him first but it’s now at a point that’s all I think about - whenever anyone asks me to meet I just dread telling him.

also before we started to rebuild our relationship my friend invited me to her birthday party which is on his birthday. I agreed as we weren’t talking but now he thinks I should spend it with him. I’ve explained I can’t let my friend down - but now I feel guilty

I would bin this relationship now. Seriously. Have seen too many friends with controlling partners & it never ends well.

Original poster

Jess362 · 06/04/2023 13:07

@Triffid1 We broke up because he was also liking/following girls on social media and I found out about a couple of girls he was messaging. He also kept changing his mind about us etc.

He says I'm not prioritising us - but I'm not sure how seeing my friends a couple of times a week means this? Unfortunately it's a week where I've had things planned before we started talking again and he thinks I'm choosing people over him.

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 06/04/2023 13:20

What a hypocrite he is!

Him chatting up other women / not sure if wants to be with you = OK
You wanting a perfectly normal social life = not OK

No, I've never asked a partner for agreement or permission to go out, and I'm quite old! I'm an adult with my own mind, as is my DH. As others have said, we might check on each other for logistical reasons 'XX has asked if I fancy a night out - it doesn't clash with anything does it?' but none of us needs permission. And none of us would give the other a hard time for going out. Noone should give you a hard time for going out. If you were out every night / rolling in drunk and unable to look after children or go to work / cancelled arrangements with your OH to go out with friends regularly, then I can see that would be a problem. But you're talking about a couple of sociable things a week.

Your partner is controlling. He thinks you should focus on him only. His idea of 'not prioritising us' is 'don't spend time with anyone else'. They aren't the same thing. He's in the wrong. I'd get out if I were you. He should be grateful you've given him a second chance despite his poor behaviour, and yet he's treating you as though he's superior and you should be doing as you're told.

MrsColinRobinson · 06/04/2023 13:27

It was a mistake to get back with this controlling man.

If you don't finish it - which you should - you need to establish what YOU want and stop ensuring you're always available when he has his child. It's his job to parent, not yours.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 13:47

Good God woman, stop giving this person agency over your movements! Are you a child? No you're not. The break up was a wise move, the reconciliation not so much. Seriously, how can you be in any doubt about this??

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 13:55

Come on OP - smell the coffee.

My DH and I have two kids, both with SEN.

We can go out as much as we like, we just check if other has no plans prior but otherwise a non issue.

I’ve been out about 4 times over the last two weeks - theatre, drinking with friends, dinner, work stuff etc. DH’s only comment is ‘have fun’ and it’s the same in reverse.