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Original poster

Not getting on with in-laws

27 replies

summerfinn · 05/04/2023 22:22

How would you feel if your in laws were very unfriendly and just not warm people. If it prevented your children from seeing cousins because of the awkwardness of how uncomfortable they make you feel. Would it affect your relationship with your DP or would you just try forget about forming relationships with your husband or partners family?

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:24

Well it wouldn't be great but I don't get how it would stop your kids seeing their cousins? Surely that's between you and the brothers/sisters and not the parents?

oldestmumaintheworld · 05/04/2023 22:27

You do not have to like your in-laws. I didn't like mine much. Made an effort for 10 years and then stopped seeing them. My husband still took the children to visit but I stayed at home. Should have done it years before. No-one gained anything from the effort I made and no-one worried when I stopped. Win, win.

WildAloofRebel · 05/04/2023 22:28

My FIL is toxic. The kids see their cousins because DH’s sibling is not toxic. The kids see their FIL very occasionally when DH feels up to it. I rarely see him.

Original poster
summerfinn · 05/04/2023 22:29

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:24

Well it wouldn't be great but I don't get how it would stop your kids seeing their cousins? Surely that's between you and the brothers/sisters and not the parents?

I guess because I have stopped bringing my kids around to their house, my kids are young so can't see them by themselves. I could just let my DP bring them.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerfinn · 05/04/2023 22:33

oldestmumaintheworld · 05/04/2023 22:27

You do not have to like your in-laws. I didn't like mine much. Made an effort for 10 years and then stopped seeing them. My husband still took the children to visit but I stayed at home. Should have done it years before. No-one gained anything from the effort I made and no-one worried when I stopped. Win, win.

I just can't do it anymore. It's like talking to a wall trying to have a conversation. It's so clear I'm just not their type of person. The mother in law is difficult and does things that are hurtful. I went to a family event with DPs family last month and it was so bad that I spent the evening when I got home crying.

OP posts:
Gardenerboo · 05/04/2023 22:36

@oldestmumaintheworld Very similar experience. Should have gone no contact years ago, it’s genuinely blissful now.

Sprinkl3 · 05/04/2023 22:54

I can't comment on your individual situation as I imagine there's lots more to this than in your post but you have my utmost sympathy. I've been where you are 💐

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 22:59

summerfinn · 05/04/2023 22:33

I just can't do it anymore. It's like talking to a wall trying to have a conversation. It's so clear I'm just not their type of person. The mother in law is difficult and does things that are hurtful. I went to a family event with DPs family last month and it was so bad that I spent the evening when I got home crying.

Show quote history

And what did your DP do about it?

Original poster
summerfinn · 05/04/2023 23:05

Nothing he hasn't told his mother how upset I was about the way she carried on. He makes excuse for her because she's 73 .

OP posts:
Baabaa75 · 05/04/2023 23:17

I'm in exactly this situation so watching with interest. So far it is affecting my kids relationships with their cousins because I restrict contact as much as possible now. My kids are clearly less favoured and are at the age they become aware of this. My in laws are very close with each other but you're not family if there's no blood connection and they let you know it. My kids are seen as part of my family rather than their family (even though they are my husband's kids!) 😔

Mari9999 · 05/04/2023 23:21

In families you find as many personality types as you find in the general population. Some people you like more than others. Some people you bond with more than others. I would not stop my children from forming relationships and interacting with aunts,uncles and cousins simply because I did not find them to be warm and welcoming. I would probably limit the time that I spent with them(and assume that they did not find me to be any more engaging than I found them to be), but I would encourage and support my husband bringing the kids to family gatherings and events.

What I would probably never do would be to go home and cry about interactions. When the situation becomes that extreme for you, it is probably time to limit your visits and send your husband and kids to visit without you.

There is nothing wrong with recognizing that your personalities don't mesh and for whatever reason you all don't seem to have the ability to be civil. That is an unfortunate situation but not a fatal situation. You all should identify your boundaries and limitations and function within those parameters.

Loving a son does not ensure that you will love his mom or that she will love or even like you. In most families , people get along or at least make an effort to be civil.
That does not seem to be what is happening in your situation. In your case distance is probably your friend.

You can send the others off to visit and then you can wallow In the peace and serenity that comes with absenting yourself from the stressful situation.

Slimjimtobe · 05/04/2023 23:25

I think it’s best to keep a polite distance to be honest (unless you have lots in common and naturally get on well)

I have nothing in common with my in laws and they have judgemental and outdated views but I have a respectful relationship and I’m polite but they know very little about my life or views. His siblings are quiet snobby and mocking and can’t understand why I keep to myself. But I do. It keeps things ok with dh and I as there is no conflict.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 00:24

@Slimjimtobe
In some situations ,there is a lot to be gained from respectful but low contact relationships. These type of arrangements put no unnecessary pressure on anyone, and allow all parties to manage expectations without a lot of drama.

FizzyWineAndCrisps · 06/04/2023 00:34

Baabaa75 · 05/04/2023 23:17

I'm in exactly this situation so watching with interest. So far it is affecting my kids relationships with their cousins because I restrict contact as much as possible now. My kids are clearly less favoured and are at the age they become aware of this. My in laws are very close with each other but you're not family if there's no blood connection and they let you know it. My kids are seen as part of my family rather than their family (even though they are my husband's kids!) 😔

Snap, I’m in this exact same situation too. Your in-laws sound just like mine. I’ve given up making an effort with mine.

SophiaSW1 · 06/04/2023 00:47

I really dislike mine. I also do not want my children around them. I have gone over a year so far not seeing them and neither have my children . Joy.

IHateFlies · 06/04/2023 00:53

Just detach from them and have nothing to do with them unless you have to, then just be civil and treat them like work colleagues.

Original poster
summerfinn · 06/04/2023 10:45

IHateFlies · 06/04/2023 00:53

Just detach from them and have nothing to do with them unless you have to, then just be civil and treat them like work colleagues.

That's what I plan to do. I feel sorry for my kids as my only other sibling lives in another country with my niece and his wife. I would give anything for them to live nearby. So they basically have very little contact with their cousins. I remember my childhood being full of fun with cousins and my Aunty's staying in their houses ect . I'm sad my kids aren't experiencing that.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/04/2023 11:27

Your problem is your awful partner allowing you to be treated badly.

Waster.

Send him home to his mummy.

Stay away from his family.
They are not worth the upset.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 12:12

OP, why can't your children have contact with their paternal cousins, or is it that the only cousins of Amy sort , paternal or maternal, live in another country?

Why should disagreements and discomfort among adults be consequences imposed on the children?

Original poster
summerfinn · 06/04/2023 19:44

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 12:12

OP, why can't your children have contact with their paternal cousins, or is it that the only cousins of Amy sort , paternal or maternal, live in another country?

Why should disagreements and discomfort among adults be consequences imposed on the children?

I guess they can but my brother and his kids live abroad and DPS family are just awful. I feel so sad and shit about myself after spending time with any of DPS family. The kids aren't the problem they are lovely but DP works full time and it would involve me going over to their house for the kids to interact. The cousins have not been to our house . DP does not get on with his brother at all and I don't either. It's almost cause really. They are just cold towards me. I would think of myself as easy to talk to and a chatty person but trying to have a conversation with DPS brother or mother is like trying to get blood from a stone.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 20:27

Sad situation and especially sad for the children who seemingly won't have any extended family interactions.

Original poster
summerfinn · 06/04/2023 20:52

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 20:27

Sad situation and especially sad for the children who seemingly won't have any extended family interactions.

It is a sad situation you are right. But I don't think it's fixable

OP posts:
coloursquare · 06/04/2023 21:31

It is sad and I have the same situation but I just try to count my blessings that I have lovely children and a happy homelife. Not everything can be perfect.

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2023 22:59

summerfinn · 05/04/2023 23:05

Nothing he hasn't told his mother how upset I was about the way she carried on. He makes excuse for her because she's 73 .

That age is no excuse. Unless she has dementia it doesn't mean she can't be confronted about bad behaviour

Original poster
summerfinn · 07/04/2023 08:46

They seem to think she has dementia but has never gone to doctors or anything for it. I personally think she's just a cold horrible person.

OP posts: