Why does he do this?

[Fizzylizzi]

Obviously no one can answer literally but wondering if anyone has experienced this and can help me comprehend my why ‘d’p behaves like this?

Randomly, and very frequently, the only way I could describe his manner towards me is as thought we’ve had an argument. In the sense he speaks to me as if there’s real hostility there, but the sort of pitiful way people do when they’re really just trying to keep it going. I almost feel as thought what I’m writing doesn’t make sense it’s so bizarre.
To give an example.. he was off out this evening, one child was in bed and two still awake sat with me. We had been out together all day and had a perfectly fine day, everything fine until it came to him leaving, he kissed one child and said goodnight, then same to the next one (who was sat with me) then gave me a really awkward cold pat on the shoulder. He then stood back and said “am I allowed to kiss you?” in a really cold unpleasant manner as though I was gonna react very negatively if he did. I’m really not missing anything out, that is EXACTLY what happened.
He does this kind of thing all the time. I’m not claiming to be a perfect angel but I honestly am a pretty laid back easy going person, when I am in a bad mood it’s never for more than 10 minutes. Any time I confront him on acting like that toward me he says something to the effect of “I never know how you’re going to react”. Believe me when I said he has no grounds for saying this, as I said I’m no saint but 9 out of 10 times when I do react negatively it’s in retort to him acting like that or muttering about me under his breathe for no reason (another thing he does most days).
Also emphasis when I’m talking about him doing this it is entirely random, not off the back of arguments or anything like that.

It feels like some sort of power/control thing but I really don’t understand is. Has anyone ever experienced it?

Does anyone out there have a partner that lives with them and keeps accumulating debts behind your back and lies about it? My partner of over 3 years lives with me and when he moved in with me into my family home, he didn’t make me aware of his debts. I only found out when we looked at extending the house together. Since then he’s had two loans to pay credit card debts off and he does it behind my back. What’s your advice?

Yes, he's gaslighting you into being pleasant all the time. To OP2, People who are shit with money, generally don't improve. You need to assess if you want a life of lies.

@Almost5lady you need to start your own thread

I have now .. new to this 🙈

@Fizzylizzi How long has he been doing it for? Surely if he was like this at the beginning of the relationship you wouldn’t be with him.
Have you asked him if he feels there’s something very wrong with your marriage, and if not why does he mutter about you under his breath most days? (which is horribly rude).

It sounds like he’s projecting.
Does he have arguments with you in his head. I’m neuro diverse and do this all the time. It’s a real effort to remember someone hasn’t said what I imagined they’d said.

I’m embarrassed to say yes he pretty much has done it from the start. It’s the only real relationship I’ve been in and I was only 22 when it started. I think before I believed it was my fault. Now I can see that I do nothing wrong. He does think we have problems, he thinks I treat him poorly. He expects to be smothered with love, affection, sex, compliments and so on from me yet he’s completely cold and unloving towards me. And time he seems like he’s being nice he’s actually just trying to have sex. I do mention this but be blames me. I just try keep my head down and get through each day looking after the children.

Is your relationship intimate? Lack of intimacy can turn some men extremely resentful, and it often manifests in weird behaviour like that

That's no way to live.

He sounds like a spoilt brat. You've got to treat him like a God, provide sex, affection, support ect all the time while he treats you like shit. Now you've noticed he isn't the centre of the universe, I think this relationship might have reached its sell by date. Its not exactly a partnership, what are you getting out of it?

What a miserable, soul destroying way to live. If you need any convincing that this isn’t normal and he’s treating you horribly, see a counsellor. As this goes on it will affect your kids. They’ll learn that this is a normal way for a man to treat his wife. As they get older and become more independent of thought and even rebellious, he’s likely to do the same to them.

I don’t know how to leave. I have nowhere to go and I’ve used every argument for the past year as a reason to tell him to leave but he never does. I’m scared shitless to randomly sit him down. I really don’t know what to do.