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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Parents who abandon children

60 replies

Roseredwine · 05/04/2023 19:14

I am struggling to understand what has happened to a family in the last few weeks.
Dad leaves without notice and moves abroad. Mum scams an old lady to pay for air fare and follows her husband. Grandma is now looking after the children, probably forever. How does that happen? What is going on in their heads that they can do this?
Does this happen and I just didn’t know?

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 05/04/2023 21:13

I'd like to think that it's not the norm, a bit extreme. I don't know anyone who's done that. They're obviously very self-centred people and hopefully Karma will get them. Poor kids but, hopefully better off with DGP who will love them and give stability. Nothing surprises me in this world, sadly.

Roseredwine · 05/04/2023 21:16

I didn’t think 2 parents could take the same decision to just leave them.

OP posts:
ChrisTrepidation · 05/04/2023 21:18

I work with two separate colleagues who are raising their young grand children because their parents have abandoned them.

It is more common than you think unfortunately.

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2023 21:24

I'm a trustee for a children's charity who work with looked after children

Yes it happens a lot.

Abandonment
Neglect
Drugs
Alcohol
Mental ill health
Physical ill health
Domestic abuse
Child abuse
Extreme poverty
People who just can't cope

Decorhate · 05/04/2023 21:52

Years ago I worked with a teenager this had happened too. A remote town not in UK. Parents split up & both left, one moving abroad, leaving him at age 11 & older brother (who was unable/unwilling to look after him). A kind neighbour took him in. He had to go to boarding school after a few years as local school only went up to 16. He worked in the holidays to pay for it.

At least one of the parents remarried & had more children. Why they did not take him with them/send for him later, I don’t know. Educated, professional people.

I’ve always wondered how his life turned out.

Roseredwine · 05/04/2023 22:01

I wonder whether the mother, who has followed DH across the world, will persuade him to remake their ‘perfect’ marriage and have more kids, forgetting all about the first lot.

OP posts:
Roseredwine · 05/04/2023 22:07

I also wonder whether I’m being sexist, if the wife had abandoned the kids with the husband and then 2 weeks later he’d followed her and left the kids with the GM then I might have found that more ‘understandable’.
I guess you identify with the person you feel is most like yourself, so cannot find a way to understand them doing something you know you couldn’t.

OP posts:
Trollsinmyeggbox · 05/04/2023 22:08

I work in this area and it happens a lot.

Nellieinthebarn · 05/04/2023 22:13

My DF ran off to Australia when I was 4. Me and my DM moved in with her parents. Mother then moved in with another man leaving me with DGPs. This was the late 60s so its not a new thing. I wasn't exactly abandoned, I saw DM every other Saturday for about 4 hours, and she took me on a holiday once a year for a week. But I felt abandoned and very unloveable and insecure as a result. I didn't realise what a huge thing it was to be rejected by both parents until I had my babies, I would never ever abandon them, I don't know how they made that decision.

romdowa · 05/04/2023 22:13

I know 2 people whose mothers just had kids , hung around for a while and then moved on to the next man , had more kids etc etc. Some of the kids were raised by their fathers or their fathers family, others where taken into care. It happens a lot, Clearly the parents are very disfunctional . Weirdly the two people I know are also very disfunctional , one lost her kids to social services. Sadly it appears to be a vicious cycle.

33goingon64 · 05/04/2023 22:18

I think the question you're asking is about mothers who abandon their children. Fathers do it all the time.

bloodywhitecat · 05/04/2023 22:20

It happens more than people realise.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 05/04/2023 22:23

My best mate at school had something similar happen. She was 13 or 14 and her mum moved away to be with a man, leaving her to look after her little brother, who was 11 at the time. Her dad had died many years before, so he had an excuse I suppose...

melchim · 05/04/2023 23:32

Some people just can't cope or don't know how to manage difficult feelings. It can be mental illness, it can be addictions etc or childhood trauma that left them deficient in some things.

Then of course there's the temporary madness that comes with affairs or finding new partners that can cause people to forsake everything in pursuit of the relationship, including children.

My cousin left her children and they're being raised by their very good father. The reasons are a combination of all the things I mentioned above.

mindutopia · 06/04/2023 00:00

I think it happens in relationships where the relationship becomes more important than any child (see recent case of Constance Marten and Mark Gordon, for a start).

I was an adult when my mum up and disappeared, but it was because she became hooked on a man and she knew she couldn’t keep both the man and her children/grandchildren (due to his criminal record). She chose the man and I couldn’t even tell you the city she lives in. 🤷🏻‍♀️

contrary13 · 06/04/2023 01:01

It can, and sadly does, run in families, too. My maternal grandmother abandoned my mother twice - once as a child, into my great-grandparents care, when she married my step-grandfather and once as an adult (although strictly this may not have been entirely her doing, as I suspect dementia played a part alongside her other daughter essentially abducting her in order to get her to change her will...).

Said other daughter walked out on her first family, on her youngest's 3rd birthday, when her oldest was barely 7 years old. For another man, with whom she went on to have two more children by. Her daughter has young children around the ages that she and her two brothers were when my aunt abandoned them for her "other man", and I was actually thinking how I hope she can break the cycle for their sake, the other day.

As others have said, though, why should father's abandoning their families and going on to have more children be seen as (sadly) "normal", though, and mother's doing so as "abnormal"? My grandmother and my aunt both abandoned their oldest child(ren) for the sake of men, with whom they went on to have other children. It screwed all of those children up - my mother, probably, the most because she didn't know who her father was, whilst my cousins' father raised them single-handedly for years (the oldest still refuses to acknowledge her as his mother, forty years later, whilst the younger two maintain a wary distance - she's not "Nana" to her daughter's children, for example, she's referred to by her name). My biological grandfather - had other children after my mother. My aunt's "other man" - walked out on her and their two children, for another woman whom he's started another family with. Are they the subject of whispers concerning "unnatural" or "abnormal" behaviours? Nope. But my aunt, certainly, has borne the brunt of the choice which she made (when her "other man" left her, after almost 20 years, her cousin said that it served her right...) and probably always will.

I don't understand how she or my grandmother could ever choose a man over their child(ren)... I know that as insane as my two have driven me over the years, I could never turn my back on them and walk away from them - but their father did precisely that. As have a lot of men in my circle of friends/extended family. Why? They're just as much a parent as their child's mother is, surely?

Phoebo · 06/04/2023 01:07

Some people are just bad. Although I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often (or maybe it does). So many parents, usually mothers are on the brink of a breakdown without any support

Roseredwine · 06/04/2023 07:14

I know I wouldn’t leave my kids, but any person man or woman who abandons their kids after the other partner has left is the worst.

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 06/04/2023 07:25

contrary13 · 06/04/2023 01:01

It can, and sadly does, run in families, too. My maternal grandmother abandoned my mother twice - once as a child, into my great-grandparents care, when she married my step-grandfather and once as an adult (although strictly this may not have been entirely her doing, as I suspect dementia played a part alongside her other daughter essentially abducting her in order to get her to change her will...).

Said other daughter walked out on her first family, on her youngest's 3rd birthday, when her oldest was barely 7 years old. For another man, with whom she went on to have two more children by. Her daughter has young children around the ages that she and her two brothers were when my aunt abandoned them for her "other man", and I was actually thinking how I hope she can break the cycle for their sake, the other day.

As others have said, though, why should father's abandoning their families and going on to have more children be seen as (sadly) "normal", though, and mother's doing so as "abnormal"? My grandmother and my aunt both abandoned their oldest child(ren) for the sake of men, with whom they went on to have other children. It screwed all of those children up - my mother, probably, the most because she didn't know who her father was, whilst my cousins' father raised them single-handedly for years (the oldest still refuses to acknowledge her as his mother, forty years later, whilst the younger two maintain a wary distance - she's not "Nana" to her daughter's children, for example, she's referred to by her name). My biological grandfather - had other children after my mother. My aunt's "other man" - walked out on her and their two children, for another woman whom he's started another family with. Are they the subject of whispers concerning "unnatural" or "abnormal" behaviours? Nope. But my aunt, certainly, has borne the brunt of the choice which she made (when her "other man" left her, after almost 20 years, her cousin said that it served her right...) and probably always will.

I don't understand how she or my grandmother could ever choose a man over their child(ren)... I know that as insane as my two have driven me over the years, I could never turn my back on them and walk away from them - but their father did precisely that. As have a lot of men in my circle of friends/extended family. Why? They're just as much a parent as their child's mother is, surely?

This is so bloody confusing! Lol God to rhink how those kids felt being in the thick of it!

Treacletoots · 06/04/2023 07:37

I have a friend who doesn't know her father, and her mother left her with GPs to be with her new man.

My mother also kicked me out as a teenager and I bounced between sofas when I should have been at school/college and ended up shacking up with a man who turned out to be a paedophile (hardly surprising), all because my mother didn't want me in her house any more. Awful woman, and she wonders why I don't speak to her any more.

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 07:43

This is intended as an explanation, not an excuse - there is no excuse. In cases like this, and cases where women choose abusive partners over their children's safety (obviously there has been a horrific case of this in the news recently), they are often very, very damaged individuals who are absolutely pathologically desperate for attention and love. Having children seems like a great idea - unconditional love! But then they discover that small children take a lot more than they give and they need you rather than validate you. So they now have children but still have the same desperate need 'to be loved' even by the most manifestly unsuitable partner, and ultimately the latter wins out if they have to make any choice between the two.

SueVineer · 06/04/2023 07:45

contrary13 · 06/04/2023 01:01

It can, and sadly does, run in families, too. My maternal grandmother abandoned my mother twice - once as a child, into my great-grandparents care, when she married my step-grandfather and once as an adult (although strictly this may not have been entirely her doing, as I suspect dementia played a part alongside her other daughter essentially abducting her in order to get her to change her will...).

Said other daughter walked out on her first family, on her youngest's 3rd birthday, when her oldest was barely 7 years old. For another man, with whom she went on to have two more children by. Her daughter has young children around the ages that she and her two brothers were when my aunt abandoned them for her "other man", and I was actually thinking how I hope she can break the cycle for their sake, the other day.

As others have said, though, why should father's abandoning their families and going on to have more children be seen as (sadly) "normal", though, and mother's doing so as "abnormal"? My grandmother and my aunt both abandoned their oldest child(ren) for the sake of men, with whom they went on to have other children. It screwed all of those children up - my mother, probably, the most because she didn't know who her father was, whilst my cousins' father raised them single-handedly for years (the oldest still refuses to acknowledge her as his mother, forty years later, whilst the younger two maintain a wary distance - she's not "Nana" to her daughter's children, for example, she's referred to by her name). My biological grandfather - had other children after my mother. My aunt's "other man" - walked out on her and their two children, for another woman whom he's started another family with. Are they the subject of whispers concerning "unnatural" or "abnormal" behaviours? Nope. But my aunt, certainly, has borne the brunt of the choice which she made (when her "other man" left her, after almost 20 years, her cousin said that it served her right...) and probably always will.

I don't understand how she or my grandmother could ever choose a man over their child(ren)... I know that as insane as my two have driven me over the years, I could never turn my back on them and walk away from them - but their father did precisely that. As have a lot of men in my circle of friends/extended family. Why? They're just as much a parent as their child's mother is, surely?

What awful lives for those kids. I agree re fathers - my father abandoned me and my siblings and we never saw him again. Yet people accept this behavior as “normal” from a man

lsanny · 06/04/2023 08:00

Hardbackwriter · 06/04/2023 07:43

This is intended as an explanation, not an excuse - there is no excuse. In cases like this, and cases where women choose abusive partners over their children's safety (obviously there has been a horrific case of this in the news recently), they are often very, very damaged individuals who are absolutely pathologically desperate for attention and love. Having children seems like a great idea - unconditional love! But then they discover that small children take a lot more than they give and they need you rather than validate you. So they now have children but still have the same desperate need 'to be loved' even by the most manifestly unsuitable partner, and ultimately the latter wins out if they have to make any choice between the two.

Maybe. Sometimes.

Mine was just a cunt who left me for a better life. There was no man involved initially although she did have relationships once she had left. She didn't just leave she moved country. We were out in touch when I was a bit older but it turned out she was still just a cunt.

I have complex PTSD as a result of the abandoned and later several forms of neglect.

Thisbastardcomputer · 06/04/2023 08:12

A female relative of mine is just in the process of leaving her 8 year old with its father and moving on with a new man.

She seems to crave male attention and she's enormously vain. Early 50s now and it will be increasingly hard to stay relevant and sexy.

She has older children which have been abandoned to grandparents.

Goldbar · 06/04/2023 08:13

Roseredwine · 06/04/2023 07:14

I know I wouldn’t leave my kids, but any person man or woman who abandons their kids after the other partner has left is the worst.

It's usually men who walk first though. And that's in a situation where presumably they're sharing parenting with the mother.

If they can't cope in an easier situation (two parents), why should the remaining parent be able to cope in a harder situation (being the sole parent)? Most do because they see no other option, but it's not surprising that some can't.

Why do you think the remaining parent who leaves (often in conditions of extreme stress) is worse than the initial parent walking out?