Really f’ing worried about my husband’s mental state

[Fraudalert]

So yeah, as title says, I’m really worried about how he’s coping mentally.

Ive thought he’s been slow and dropping the ball for while with minor things, he feels tired despite sleeping 8/9 hrs a night, he’s taken on carer responsibility for his mother and I think it’s broken him. He’s just fallen for a very elaborate scam, but one that if he’d been ‘on it’ he’d never have fallen for. He’s been so catatonic, I’ve had to deal with it. Thousands have been lost. I’ve tried to talk to him and he spaces out and shuts down.

these are the things I’ve noticed:

he just disengages
you’re talking to him and he just drifts away, have to repeat his name over and over and then he snaps back to it
hes making silly mistakes
he can’t concentrate
hes become very rigid (things have to follow a certain order and time or else he has a melt down)
he’s become very submissive to people in positions of authority
very low self esteem

Is this depression or stress? He’s hiding behind not being able to get a GP appointment and he thinks I’m trying to make him look stupid. I’d talk to his friends but he’d flip his lid.

what can I do? I’m really worried

Its sounds like he is utterly exhausted by life.

Losing money in a scam and having to take on responsibility for his mother may have taken its toll on him.

He sounds like he's lost his confidence and is under huge stress.
Sometimes when under a great deal of stress - even the simples chores become very challenging.

The only way you can support him is by being there for him. Be mindful of how you approach him. Everything you do to try and help will come across as you being critical of him.

Try and give him a break from the primary causes of stress. Is there anything that brings him happiness? Certain activity/ sport etc. Encourage to involve himself in something that brings him joy.
Although if its more serious he may well be suffering from depression - men find that very difficult to admit to. Like its a weakness.

He may need to go and discuss it with a doctor.

@Fraudalert massive squishes firstly.

secondly can you talk to his GPs practice about your fears and basically frog march him to an appointment.

can you as a couple get additional support for his mother to ease some of his burden. Whether that’s social services, carers etc. anything.

What ages are you at, what’s your life like? Working full time? Adult children or wider family around? Retired etc? What support network have YOU got to help you through this.

Sorry if not clear, all of the sort of lowness culminated in the huge scam, I think his general mental state was how he got caught in it. He did all the things we all ‘know’ not to do, sending pins, passwords everything. I was telling him it was suspect but he just wouldn’t listen, they’d even got him turning against me. Believing this to me just smacks of vulnerability.

but we’re in a stage of life that’s full on, both working full time, nursery ages dcs, no village or family or friends to support. I’ve just been diagnosed with a chronic illness myself. But I can’t get him to engage, at points it as if he’s in a catatonic state, completely absent.

How much caring for his mother does he actually have to do? If he's in this state it really isn't sustainable in the long term, and she needs to have a care plan in place.

Get yourself to a doctor and tell them about the situation. It's clearly affecting or going to affect your mental health. You need to ask them to call him in for a check up.

The question is would he go if the GP called him in?

In the meantime, if you're well enough then do what you can to ease the burden, get his mother help, go on holiday. Remind him there is a life and you lived him.

If his mother is getting old this might be a breakdown as his facing the traumatic realisation that she's mortal.

I suppose if he really won't get help then you also need to get your ducks in a row to cover yourself.

Hopefully though you can begin a process. Look after yourself and Good luck!

He needs a to see his GP.

Sounds like a classic case of burnout.

Being completely honest and speaking from my own perspective, caring of an elderly parent on top of all life's other responsibilities was the straw which broke my back. The fact that there is no positive outcome, the relentless and ongoing (when is this going to end?) nature of the situation, the watching someone you love (perhaps) decline, dealing with their not always rational/fair needs and also facing your own mortality is so much to deal with. There's no good way out of it. You learn to put your own emotions/thoughts/problems/life on hold as there is just not the room for them and, to be hones. Perhaps this is what is happening with your husband?

So it’s not physical caring, his mum is actually young in the grand scheme and has good health. But she’s illiterate, completely uneducated, no English, basic comprehension In mother tongue, no financial literacy, very low iq. So he has control over her affairs as she cannot manage a life here, so money, medical appointments, bills etc.

the irony here isn’t lost on me

Commiserations on your chronic illness op, I have CFS. Agree with pp, possibly stress, burnout, maybe depression. Agree GP needed to check if anything else going on. Is there anything you can do to share some of the work and responsibility for his mum? I'm sure with work and kids you're short on time but just knowing and feeling it's not all on him might help?

Unfortunately not he has LPA over her and I can’t even speak the same language as her and I’m not next of kin for medical appointments and he just gets kicking after kicking from his family (metaphorically speaking) so it’s very much his alone to carry. I think the problem is he’s a head in the sand kind of guy and then all the chickens come home to roost at once

Hi OP,
The almost catatonic type state sounds a lot like a break down. Try to get him to the GP. Meds can be very helpful along with any lifestyle change that can make life better for him and you all. If his family are cruel to him you might need to be a tiger wife for him for a while and make them come through you.

The sooner he can get help the sooner he can start to get better.

This. Burnout, depression. Get some mental health support in place via GP asap. Do everything you can to get him there, then go in with him and ask if you can share your observations of how he's doing as well as him as the patient, given his state (obviously better if you can get him to agree in advance you're happy for him to do this). I did this with a very unwell friend and luckily her GP wqs very kind, let me tell her why we were there, and then approached my friend in the right way as a result (e.g. not asking her how she was as she would have just replied 'fine' but asking really specific questions about hours of sleep at night, intrusive thoughts etc).

PS I'm so sorry you're both going through this, it's so hard. Best of luck.

How you describe him sounds like dissociation to me.

take a longer holiday if you can e.g. 7 - 10 days somewhere super peaceful and calm that you can both get away from it, get away from your responsibilities and not have to deal with housewrk etc. Often a change up can help you both realise what is really up - as it gives you the distance and also time to recharge. He or you might find that he improves with a break or at least he can get some perspective on everything to know what is wrong.