Ex and interfering

[aureliala]

I ended my relationship a few weeks ago and stupidly met up with my ex over the weekend. The reasons I ended it were because we argued a lot, and he was was jealous and insecure which lead to borderline controlling behaviour.

He despises one of my work colleagues cos he thinks that he tries it on with me - he doesn’t. We have workplace banter but that’s the same for all of us in the close knit team that we’re in. To cut a long story short he’s gone and messaged this colleague of mine asking him to show me some respect and to stop trying to get in my knickers basically.

I’ve never felt disrespected by him. But I do feel disrespected by my ex for causing issues at work. He thinks that I should be grateful that he’s “stood up” for me but I’m just humiliated.

I was just about to give him another chance cos the weekend made me realise I’d missed him and that maybe things weren’t so bad after all 😩

How old is he?

This is childish.

Leave him alone or he needs to apologise to you and your colleague but be prepared that if he is willing to do so which I doubt nothing will change he will always be controlling

He’s 34. I can’t believe he’s done this. All because my colleague offered me a lift home due to my car being repaired. I feel like I need to find a new job asap.

Of course you don't need to find a new job.

Talk to your colleague - tell him you've broken up with bf who is now trying to make trouble. Keep it light and brief. Apologize and move on.

Tell bf to keep his nose out of your business and not to contact you again, ever

Apologies to your colleague. Tell him your ex is an idiot and it's why he's an ex. I'm sure it can be smoothed over without needing to find a new job, just have a laugh about it with your colleagues at his expense and it should blow over. It would create more drama at work if you kept seeing him, so keep him gone now you know how extreme he's willing to behave.

You don't need to find a new job.

You need to make it clear to your ex that his interference is not necessary, warranted or welcome. And then you need to block him on all channels.

Definitely don't go back.

I’ve blocked him on everything. I feel like I’m to blame because whenever he questioned me about stuff I probably didn’t help. And he always wanted me to tell people to stop with the banter but I never did because I didn’t care. But my ex saw this as me disrespecting our relationship and disrespecting him. Ironically he’s saying he contacted my colleague because he was standing up for me.

What banter?

I’ve never felt disrespected by him

& yet he did not respect you - we argued a lot, and he was was jealous and insecure which lead to borderline controlling behaviour.
Those are not the behaviours of a respectful man, they are all indicative of seeing you as an object & taking territorial possession of you.

I feel like I need to find a new job asap.
Don't be daft.
I get that you are still reeling from the embarrassment. That's normal, don't worry about it & it will pass. But your ex has humiliated himself, not you.

Have a breezy, short conversation with your colleague, along the lines of "I understand my idiot ex has overstepped himself & am SO sorry he picked on you as a target of his idiocy. I feel embarrassed, but I hope you don't? FYI is is an EX & is remaining so. Please let me know if he harasses you again, if he does I will warn him off via a police report."

Meantime, stop calling yourself stupid for getting Hoovered back by a practiced manipulator, it's a really common tactic - https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

You've done well to pull yourself back from the brink, & the incident has the advantage of proving to you that you never need see or communicate with this loser again.

Here's another link you may find useful going forward, to help you pattern-spot for red flags from other loonies controlling or predatory men - it's a short read & a superb example of how they operate, & how to avoid them.
https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You know all this is just a headfuck, right?

DARVO: "I only made a tit of myself with your colleague because you refuse to PROTECT yourself so I was forced to take on your protection myself. If you had only obeyed my orders about BANTER & ACCEPTING LIFTS & realised how criminally offensive your personal autonomy is, I wouldn't have needed to, It's all your fault. I can't believe you are blaming ME - I'm the good guy here!"

https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

The “banter” I’m referring to is just the usual office stuff. But my ex doesn’t like it because the colleague in question is an attractive guy and he’s worried that I find him attractive. In my opinion, my colleague has never overstepped the mark, and if he’d done anything to make me feel uncomfortable then I would have told him. He’s always been jealous and insecure of me working with males. This time it’s gone too far.

@KettrickenSmiled those links are really helpful, thank you.

Hes succeeded in making me feel like I’m partly to blame here.

That;s the amazing power of DARVO OP my dear.

Once you've recognised the pattern, you will never unsee it.
Very useful knowledge, it acts as armour against unwarranted self-blame.