Father and his dark moods

[123bumblebee]

I'm wondering about any advice on how to tackle this sensitive issue with my DF.

For context, he had an extremely traumatic childhood. I won't go into too much detail but imagine the worst thing imaginable happening to your primary caregiver in your early teens and then the remaining parent keeping the home as a time capsule of that dreadful event for the rest of their life, and back in a time where things just weren't discussed and certainly no counselling or help given.

My early childhood was lovely, towards the end of primary school things got very difficult jobs wise for my parents where we lived and after lots of loud arguments (while we were in bed, but still lots of shouting) we were moved many hours away to where both sets of grandparents lived. From then on my DF would enter what he has since called (only to my mother) "Dark moods". At this time, he doesn't say anything nasty but his whole attitude changes. He becomes very monosyllabic and has a whole aura that made everyone walk on eggshells around him. He worked loooong hours, night shifts so we put it down to him just being shattered. I moved out at 18 and, while I have a good relationship with my parents, I never went back to live as I didn't want to feel on edge like that again.

Since retirement they have moved to be closer to me and my 1 year old. They offer me a lot of help with her and both her and him light up when they see each other. He is very patient with her and always in a good mood. However, things have started to slip when he is with me. He will never be in a bad mood around her but he goes back into these "dark moods" around me. I have had many honest conversations with my mother about how this makes me feel (basically like a huge ball of anxiety and like I want to cry) but all she will say is "I know how it makes you feel, imagine how it makes me feel too".

Things are ok at the moment as my child is young and cute but I worry about when she is a stroppy teenager and I don't want her to be around him when he is like this. I don't feel like I can confront him as he would go into a HUGE mood and make life very awkward for me. I feel sad that these "dark moods" have come to my safe area where I like and it has really made me reflect on my significant mental health problems in the past where I have struggled with depression and hideous anxiety. I don't want my little girl to be affected in the same way.

He is not a bad man but I don't know how to address this without feeling like a small, scared child again.

I've just realised even writing that I've been holding my breath and feeling my heart about to burst out of my chest with anxiety.

Is he aware of these moods? Does he mind people distancing themselves away from him?

Maybe that one HUGE dark mood is worth the conversation? Sometimes when people shut down they don't even realise it causes anxiety to others - they're too deep in their own head to know, but it doesn't mean they would not care if they knew

He has never admitted it to me, but he has spoken to my DM about it in latter years. Never while I was living at home. The worst thing, instead of just distancing away from everyone while he feels like that he will still come along to things and just ruin it with this massive horrible aura of negativity.

I like what you say about one dark mood being worth the conversation, thank you. I will start to think of it like this. I have asked my DM to broach it with him, but I don't think she will.

It's a sort of double issue because his behaviour is causing you anxiety, while his depression/anxiety manifests as those mood

Having this conversation may make life easier for all of you because may be that attending events while feeling like this is not nice for him either and he does it out of obligation. People who tend to withdraw like this often do it because they feel there is no other way for them to deal with their emotions and they cannot escape their obligations - when he has children at home he couldn't just run away from it all, but he can skip a dinner with family if he feels depressed

OP I am sorry about your anxiety regarding your father.
Your dad won't change and neither your mum will.
I would put distance between you and your child and your mum and dad.
Your dad failed to provide a safe normal environment. Having to walk on eggshells is not a safe environment. Your mother didn't deal with the issue and put you first so she enabled him. As a result you suffered from anxiety and depression. To say "I know how it makes you feel, imagine how it makes me feel too" is in fact, very selfish. You put your kids first.
Don't be your mum. You don't need to live again the whole experience. Maybe low contact is the best. Your daughter get to know them not in a way she gets to put up with any "dark moods".
This is from someone who walked on eggshells a lot. I am very careful with the amount of time I let the kids spend the time with my parents. I want a normal and happy childhood for them.

I think the only way this might all be ok is if your dad gets therapy - is that likely?