After a traumatic childhood and difficult adulthood I chose to estrange myself and protect myself and my kids from the emotional damage of bring involved with some family members.
I had felt a huge responsibility for my siblings and when we were in contact my guilt and empathy meant I was always doing favours, bailing them out, providing etc.
Later on my sense of responsibility meant I interfered where it wasn't wanted (had been asked to support in an abusive relationship then later on that support was no longer wanted and denied they ever asked for it)
I probably messed up as poor boundaries from our chaotic childhood.
Ultimately it left us in a weird place hence the estrangement.
Other siblings also estranged from each other and from me and it was sad but 'ok'.
It has kept me safe to an extent whilst still unravelling and processing damage.
Recently reestablished a relationship with a sibling following lockdown and deterioration of their relationship and of my health
we became support to each other but I was overlooking difficult aspects of our interactions because I was grateful to have family around.
I felt diminished and disrespected and often lied to (later this person admitted to me they had a real issue with honesty)
I let a lot slide because of our past trauma and tried to be supportive, non judgemental, kind etc
We were estranged from our abusive elder family member (EFM!)
as well as other siblings, the EFM became unwell and we were all in contact again.
It soon became an unhealthy dynamic which made me feel crap and miserable.
Suddenly it felt that all the anger and hatred for our abusive EFM disappeared because EFM was ill and it felt like there needed to be another target for those feelings.
i mentioned that i was finding it emotionally conflicting supporting a EFM who had abused me, which really annoyed my siblings and said it was irrelevant now.
Interestingly i had been the child the EFM had said it was 'hard to love' and i feel like that feeling has been passed down.
I was always the over sensitive over emotional one out of all of us (hadnt known at the time i was neurodivergent nor that my neglected long term physical condition would deteriorate so much over time)
I had always been put down or laughed at for my 'everything' , by the EFM who was super cold and by the siblings.
on reuniting there's been a lot of comparison between my 'issues' and their wellness, having it all together etc.
During this reuniting time, the other siblings have bonded and are really showily close again.
Throughout this time, things which should have happened for EFM care didn't .
because i hadnt been involved due to estrangement, i kept out of it at first but was hard to see so many things go wrong.
when i did get involved, the others didn't want my input. I and other family members had more relevant experience in this area but siblings wanted to 'manage' the situation which was frustrating.
They were generally rude and cold about me, my health, dismissive my experience ref this area of care, dismissive of input from others top of their game in this area.
Plus lies, gaslighting, slippery facts ref money, personal effects, family heirlooms etc.
I backed off to an extent because it was causing arguments and upsetting.
I understand we are all dealing with difficult emotions and memories etc so worked really hard not to challenge anything except really obvious legal stuff which needed to happen for this person to stay safe .
This really wound them up but i was sick of seeing this person keep ending up in the same state and them ineffectively managing a serious safeguarding concern because of what felt like pride or ego
I stayed involved to a point until I knew the person was 'safe' and going to be properly looked after.
I find grey areas and half the story difficult to process and I'm dealing with difficult emotions, poor health and managing family, work etc.
now, said person is safe. I've backed off because of the emotional stuff and now theyre in care, nobody knows of my existence.
the newly bonded siblings are doing regular visits, updating relatives etc and I feel like the bad smell who's crawled off out of the way and everyone is happy again.
I am aware I sound selfish and self obsessed but it has really unsettled me, particularly the complete personality changes.
it's left me feeling like I must be the toxic one as everyone has regrouped and I'm the only one feeling damaged by the whole thing.
Not sure what I'm asking, just need to get it out I think...as feeling so ruffled by it and just can't move past it in my head or heart
Should add am menopausal on top of other health issues which possibly doesn't help