Spending time with Ex H

[Desperatenamechanged]

In desperate need of a hand hold and advice... Sorry for the long OP.

I left my marriage more than a year ago and moved me and 5 yo DC into a new home, set up a new life and put DC first rather than put up with a bad marriage where I was "doing everything" of carrying the physical, emotional and mental load, making me miserable, frustrated and angry. The marriage was a horrible place to be for everyone. Afters years of trying to make things better, trying everything to meet my husband halfway to communicating, mostly getting myself worked up and hitting a brick wall every time, working on the marriage and changing myself, it became apparent that things were not going to get better. In the end I left for DC's sake and the last 6 months of the marriage was basically silent treatment from Ex after he decided not to talk to me about anything, refused to talk about fixing the marriage anymore, or even what he wanted to do about anything. Marriage counselling failed as he wouldn't talk.

So for the last year I've been building a new happier home for me and DC. I am fortunate to be able to support us well. But I am racked with guilt and have recently begun to ask Ex to spend more time together as co parents. We had Christmas together and the occasional evening where he will come to my place to spend time and have dinner with DC and I. We have never discussed again the separation and I've been terrified to file for divorce. I booked this week away for a holiday and asked Ex if he wanted to come along which he agreed. We agreed we would have a chat about the future of co parenting and the "relationship" whilst away. So far he's mostly gone along with things but ignored me mainly. We tried to talk last night and he made clear he was happy to spend time together "as long as to keep DC happy". No mention of his feelings or mine or anything about the separation or what next. I feel the discussion should be getting closure on ending the marriage or any chance of reconciliation and then agreeing what co parenting looks like. I will say that I still do 90% of everything for DC and he will do stuff but only when asked, including child maintenance. He obviously loves for our DC but I wouldn't say overly so and mostly he's a very selfish man with very little ability to do much for other people, much less himself.

My heart is breaking again for me and DC. I will admit that all I want is a happy family. My guilt at leaving is messing with my boundaries. I'm at risk of raising my own and my DC's expectations and torturing myself. I don't know what to do.

It's so hard to come to terms with not having the future we wanted, for ourselves or our precious little ones. This isn't going to be a healthy marriage as you know. Nothing has changed. All of the reasons you left are still valid.

Pick a suitable time once you're home and then tell him it's time to move ahead with the divorce.

You know that being in a relationship with your ex will leave you in a horrible place, angry and frustrated, that he thinks 6 months of silent treatment is ok.

I think that you know really that you shouldn’t try to reconcile.

My suggestion would be that you organise with your ex a time-based split of responsibility for ds (eg ex has him every other weekend, one week night evening and half the holidays). He needs to be 100 percent responsible for ds during his time.

That you split assets if you haven’t already. That you divorce as amicably as possible.

In terms of child maintenance he should be paying you something fixed regularly every month. If that isn’t happening I’d ask him to start and then apply to cms for maintenance if he doesn’t do it.

Good luck. Single parenting isn’t easy but it is a lot easier than parenting in a couple with someone who doesn’t pull their weight.

It’s tough OP but read your post back about how your marriage was. It sounds like you did everything you could to fix your relationship but he wasn’t able to change. I’d focus on discussions around ending the marriage and getting a divorce. Do you really want to go back to that unhappy marriage? Your child will be so much happier with you both separated. You can’t force him to parent. I’d stick to spending time together on special occasions only. My ex and I spent over a decade going on joint holidays / spending time together as a family and we have both wasted a decade of our life. We are only now both moving on and that’s not been healthy.

Your boundaries are unclear. You left him but are inviting him to things as though you are together and in your post you talk about reconciliation AND divorce. Meanwhile his boundaries are clear, he is there for your child's sake and pretty much ignores you. Don't wait for him to take the lead, he has made it clear. File for divorce and the solicitors can sort out the bits he won't talk about.

Thanks for the replies. Feel like I've been wading through treacle with the Ex. We came back from holiday, it was all amicable enough, we kept the peace for DC and everyone had a nice time. I did try to talk to him on the second night as we agreed about boundaries and the future but it got nowhere. I popped to the toilet and by the time I got back he had fallen asleep, or was pretending to be, so I didn't press again.

Since then he has spent time with DC and I over Easter - all his suggestions. Fair enough, I've gone along with it for DC sake. He has now suggested we celebrate his birthday together. I am bemused to say the least why he wants to do that and asked him again for a talk about boundaries and whether this is really best for anyone or whether it would just cause DC confusion. He hasn't responded apart from saying we should discuss it. I feel like a mean bitch declining his invite to celebrate his birthday but feel like everything is being overstepped and he doesn't want to put the effort in to discuss things as adults. I can accept this is all my own doing as I am poor with being assertive and setting my own boundaries...

I desperately just want to do the right thing for my DC...

I don't really understand why you have made this togetherness a thing and then want to talk about boundaries and your relationship.

Are you having a wobble about splitting? Did you think it was going to change him?

@pinkfondu yes I suppose I've waited more than a year (since separating) to have a conversation about boundaries and how to co parent. In spite of myself, I've asked him to join in with things forDC sake. I didn't set out to scare him into changing by leaving, I left because the silent treatment and ignoring gave me no other choice in the end.

I totally get your situation but I would urge you to try to set very clear boundaries now and stick to them. It's so hard to move on when you are as involved with each other as you are and I speak from direct experience.
We did the same for our kids and still do to some extent and I now see and feel the drawbacks to that.
We have been split up longer than you and my ex now has a new partner who he has become very serious about quite quickly and that has changed and confused the dynamic completely.

I now see that a lack of clear boundaries have made that situation harder to deal with than it should have been for both me and the kids and I regret that we weren't clearer from the start. I feel like I am losing something all over again while he is having his cake and eating it basically. Your exH might do the same or you might meet a new partner. To find someone new is perfectly reasonable because you have split but it can be complicated if you are still tied together with your ex.

My ex's behaviour caused our marriage to end but I look like the unreasonable one because, to my horror, I am now feeling all of the anger and resentment I should have felt properly and acted on back when we first split. Being angry now just makes me look deranged, unreasonable and bitter and trying to keep it hidden is a real head f**k.

I do think amicable is the way to go but that doesn't have to mean doing things together as a family except for certain special occasions. Being amicable means communicating well and putting your DCs needs first but not forgetting about your own too.

So learn from my mistakes and a pp above and set those boundaries now and spend less time together.

@Desperatenamechanged do you not think your ex is just enjoying the family time (that you miss too) but doesn’t actually want to get back together? ) He is clearly avoiding the talk about divorce/reconciliation and that seems to be because he doesn’t want either as he’s enjoying the best of both worlds at the moment. It’s not like he’s declaring his love for you, telling you he’s sorry for how he treated you and showing you he wants you back? Just the opposite in fact, he’s telling you he’s there for the children and ignoring/avoiding your attempts to talk about you two. Even if he agreed to get back together it’s you that’s pushing for that with him making no effort/ changes so you will be in a worse position than before.

Stbxh and I have been separated for 5 months and very nearly went down this route. He would constantly be round, texting lots, we even nearly booked a holiday but then I realised I was doing myself a disservice whilst he, as my stepdad said "has all the perks of family life and none of the shit", so I put a stop to it and raised up my walls so I can grieve/heal and move on. I thought its best I do it than him meeting someone and ending it as after all he was a free man. I think you should accept its over and accept him for who he is, which is a stone walling moody man and keep away from him until your feelings die down. I also found grieving the family unit hard but more a fantasy version, the reality of what I had wasn't a loss.

@ThePredictableScript Well done on the way you are approaching your situation, I really wish we had gone down that route. I am testament to the fact that you are absolutely doing the right thing, we didn't and I have found it so hard to move on. And my shitty ex has definitely had the best of both worlds, family time when it suits him, freedom to date the rest of the time while I have held it all together as I always did.
We/I thought we were doing the best for our kids but I think they would have been fine with a more definite split as long as we had kept the lines of communication open.
It's brave of you because I openly admit that trying to keep family times going stopped me feeling lonely but it's just fake and stops you moving on.
Good luck to you x

My husband is uncommunicative. Its always been a source of frustration for me, because i'm the opposite, I like to talk (admittedly too much sometimes, I do have a tendency to go over old ground). It's been a major bug bear for me at times, however he's amazing in other ways, so i'm accepting of it now, and it's made both our lives a lot easier.
I highly doubt your husband will change, thus it's up to you to decide if you can live happily with different expectations of him.

Thanks @Catlover100. You are practically a future alternative reality version of me warning me and confirming to me that I'm doing the right thing. I appreciate your words 😊 its going to be tough for you but now the healing can begin and moving forwards with your new life which will be infinitely better than receiving crappy breadcrumbs from your ex. Time for you to get the full loaf and I'm happy that you're not going to waste another second on him and allowing him to have his cake, its a blessing hes moved on, you've been released, thats the way I would look at it x

Honestly I am so glad to know you aren't doing the same as me and I would advise anyone else out there of the same thing. It just gets harder as time goes on and I have begun to face some realities about it over this Easter holiday.

Better to rip off the plaster in one go at the beginning! My Dad always said that when I was little and I remember I would always sit there for hours picking away at it, making the agony last longer. Should have listened...

I’m very much in the same situation/ headspace as you and just wondered what you would consider “special occasions” where you would agree to spend time with your ex for the sake of the kids / family? I resent the fact that I am expected to put on Chistmas and Easter family get togethers which include him but otoh would feel I was being mean spirited to not include him (despite the fact that he has a girlfriend who he lives with abroad, most of the time).

It's hard when things don't work out like you hoped. I still grive for a happy family unit but it just wasn't meant to be. What helped me was working out what would work best for me and then proposing that as a starting point. We still do birthdays and Christmas together- it works for us and our kids but I know it's not for everyone. Good luck.

I think Christmas and the kids' birthdays/ events really.

But my kids are older now so the birthday thing will stop in a couple of years I imagine, so probably be mainly Christmas then - when the kids are around - and things like Uni drop offs/graduations/ big school events.

@SweetcornFritter Do you include his new partner in the events you invite him to?

I have hosted my ex-in laws and my ex because I stayed in the family home with the kids and it has more space than his flat. However, I haven't yet invited the new partner along, they have been seeing each together a while but it's only got more serious recently so it didn't seem appropriate before.

Have to say I'm going to find that hard to do but that's down to my own insecurities and grief about how things worked out, nothing to do with her.

Just wondered if you had done that and how you handled it?

No, I’m fortunate that she lives a long way way and he has yet to bring her to this country. I would not be at all happy to include her in our Christmas family get togethers so my kids (who are both young adults) would have to split their time between my house and his were she ever to come here for Christmas.

I did this. For ages. My kids have Autism, so, for their sakes, I let exH come over & see them here, included him in meals (at times, & all special occasions) even though he paid NO maintenance, does no childcare at ALL. He came on Christmas Day, watched them open their gifts from me (which he referred to as 'from us' - grrrr - he bought them hot water bottles each !!!).
Totally stopped now. I've just had a prolonged cancer scare, during which he was arranging to move 300m away.
Utterly selfish person & 100% a 'taker'.
Be careful OP, not to be too nice. It's probably more confusing for the kids too.

@medianewbie I'm sorry, he sounds like a real pain in arse.

Yes, I agree, I think it can be more confusing for the kids if there is too much contact.
It's so hard though isn't it? My kids were already teens when we split and we (should be 'I' really) had done such a good job of papering over the many cracks and keeping our crap away from them that they were really shocked when we told them and I think we both reacted to that.
But, with hindsight, clear boundaries from day one are best. If it's over, it's over and everyone needs to get on board with that, painful as it might be,

Look at how he's behaved since you left him. In the best case scenario he would've seen the error of his ways, sought counselling and been a really true friend to you in the hope of winning you back. He hasn't done any of that. He hasn't changed and now it's obvious he won't change.

Keep your dignity and set up some boundaries here. I think he will move on to someone else and it would be awful for you if you were still emotionally involved with him.

Let him be someone else's problem now.