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Hope at 35?

17 replies

TFC22 · 04/04/2023 22:35

Anyone meet their partner and have children after 35? Panic setting in...

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2023 22:44

Would you consider going it alone to have children? I think, in your shoes, I'd consider having a child and then worrying about a relationship.

It might be worth looking at having your fertility tested and your options that way, so you aren't feeling as pressured by the biological clock?

That said, you still have time and there's every chance you'll meet someone, though.

Nichebitch · 04/04/2023 22:54

i did. Met at 36, child at 39, wedding at 40. Might not be the most common but it worked out perfect for me x

Veenah · 04/04/2023 22:58

My friend met her husband just before turning 37, baby at 39, married at 40 (they delayed wedding due to covid).

OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 22:59

I wouldn't go it.alone unless you really want to. Will be much much harder finding a partner as a single parent. My mum had my brother age 45.

BabyDogs · 05/04/2023 06:04

Some will have I'm sure but it depends on your relationship history.

MrsRickAstley · 05/04/2023 06:09

I think you can go it alone and IME would be preferable.

I think that being a single parent is no barrier to dating.

Mum & Dad & Baby plus together forever in my opinion is not necessary or achievable. Cynical, probably. Maybe somebody else will come along with some more enthusiasm.

Quantumleaper · 05/04/2023 08:17

Yes, was late 30s have two kids now. I was very proactive dating though, you have to really throw yourself out there though and meet many toads!

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 05/04/2023 08:21

Met DH just before 36th birthday, married 2 years later. Eldest born just under a year after the wedding and youngest 2 years later

TenThousandSpoons · 05/04/2023 08:23

A friend of mine was 38, got married and had 2 kids within the next five years. She did already know him from university days though.

Woahhohoho · 05/04/2023 08:48

I did. Met at 36, pregnant unexpectedly within 3 months, had our second a year later. We aren't married yet and it's not been a bed of roses by any means but I don't regret any of it.

I did already know him from before though so things moved a bit quicker than usual.

AprilFool23 · 05/04/2023 09:12

Not sure if it still has it on there but the NHS fertility pages had a figure of 90% of women 39 and under TTC, doing so within 2 yrs.

This has been slated by a poster on here as "ridiculous" but the poster failed to respond any further when she asked where on earth I had got that stat and I told her.

If you go on fertility/TTC calculators and out in your age up to 39, their percentage chances of falling pregnant within six months, a year, 2 yrs etc do seem to back that 90% up.

That means you are not at the door closing, but would need to v proactive about searching for a partner & father.

It might also be worth having a fertility check done with a reputable clinic, to see if you would be likely to be in the 90% with no fertility issues. They are not fool proof bit better than nothing.

If you are over 35 I'm not sure they'd advise egg freezing but worth asking too.

anthurium · 05/04/2023 13:49

@TFC22

I'm a solo mother by choice, and although this isn't directly what the poster has asked about but it might be worth a read!

I was 39 when I conceived using a sperm donor (extremely fortunate that it all worked on the first IVF go) as the dating game was really wearing me down (I'd started aged 36/37). The issue with dating in your mid to late 30s is that there is an "agenda" but love isn't a tick box, or it shouldn't be, of it's love you want and not convenience or "settling" for someone and you may end up with someone who you are only with because you are running out of time/are seeing them through rose tinted glasses. Relationships need time. Dating can be gruelling and exhausting as you are looking for someone specific, and there is no meritocracy for dating resulting in a suitable relationship. Even if you do meet someone, they may change their mind entirely although initially they had said they would be willing, and then you could have wasted even more time. Impossible to guarantee.

As for fertility, nobody knows until they conceive, maintain a viable pregnancy and there is a live birth. You may or may not have fertility issues. Or your partner. Sometimes it is only discoverd when you start trying. And nobody knows what your individual chances are, not even the fertility specialists. They can only predict.

I wouldn't change my situation for anything. I no longer have the pressure of meeting someone and organise my life as I wish. It has been a huge relief. I'm not even that bothered about meeting someone as now that my son is here, it is a completely different worldview. Yes it can be tough doing it alone, but parenting is tough and you don't really know what your child will be like, if your (or any) relationship will last so you may end up being a single parent anyway down the line, or co parent with your ex partner, ot not at all or have a partner who isn't pulling his weight, or you may not and he is wonderful. It's all a gamble.

It depends how strongly you want a child. What's more important, a relationship or a chance to try to have a child, not everyone gets both at the same time, or at all.

For me it was important to have agency and some level of control, as I didn't want to have to rely on someone else's timeline. If I didn't get pregnant trying solo, at least I could have said to myself I'd tried, but lack of a partner or someone else taking that chance away was unacceptable to me. There is no NHS provision for trying it alone, unless there are identified medical issues, but that can take time so many women go via the private fertility clinics which be very costly or not, it depends on the treatment, or go abroad (cheaper but there could be other issues). Yes a level of financial security is required, but that's the case for being in a relationship too. I have had to make adjustments in my life, but they have been worth it, and I'm happy with the trade offs. Knowing what I know now, my only regret is not doing it earlier! Good luck with everything op!

Olinguita · 05/04/2023 16:31

Met DH on an app at 34, engaged at 36, married at 37, first child at 38, conceived without IVF or any intervention.
I was very proactive about dating. Had a few bad relationships behind me, mainly being strung along by commitment phobes!
35 is not some kind of death knell for fertility so don't panic, but be intentional. All the best!

Marilla1966 · 05/04/2023 16:53

Met my husband on a blind date at 36. Married at 38 and had first child at 39. Second one came along just before I hit 41. Very happy and also thought I had missed the boat x

TheSilentSister · 05/04/2023 21:33

Met (ex)DH at 33. Married at 37. Had DC at 41.

Winemygoodenemy · 05/04/2023 21:41

Met my DP at 42. Year later moving in and planning on trying for kids.

thejadefish · 05/04/2023 21:46

Almost. Met DH at 34, engaged at 35, married at 36. Had DC1 at 39, DC2 at 45 (took a while to conceive both times - some people have no trouble regardless of age though you just don't know). Don't write yourself off!

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