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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some perspective please?

22 replies

Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:08

Hi,
I am currently at the end of my tether with the latest issue in my relationship. There has been a long history of problems that my OH has created, while I accept some of this latest problem may lie within my own insecurities (there is a reason for that..My OH some while ago visited a female friend to discuss an issue he was having, rather than discuss with me, he eventually admitted it because he lied about going there and got found out) that has been a very traumatic thing for me to deal with, but eventually it got sorted. The latest episode of all this, is consistently letting his attention wander on to other women when out with me, he admitted to doing the same thing some while ago and it stopped for a few months, but has now all started again.
I had literally had enough of it, so challenged it again, only this time the anger I witnessed was unbelievable, he said he wasn't doing it and wasn't aware he was doing it again, but the other thing that made this worse, was the complete lack of empathy for my feelings..I know what I saw, but he flatly denied having any awareness of it. I have frequently been gaslighted by him many times before and truly believe this is happening again now. I am beyond fu**g livid!!

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 04/04/2023 21:14

Have you experienced jealousy in previous relationships?

Nightlystroll · 04/04/2023 21:20

When you say his attention wanders, do you mean he looks at other women? When I'm out with my husband I look at other people, sometimes men. Actually I do it when I'm out with anyone. I hadn't thought that was unnormal but maybe I'm wrong. Or does he do more than that?

Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:38

Shoelacesundone · 04/04/2023 21:14

Have you experienced jealousy in previous relationships?

Absolutely not experienced jealousy before, this has all happened due to him sneaking around and lying to me about where he was going, to another women's house to discuss his problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:39

Nightlystroll · 04/04/2023 21:20

When you say his attention wanders, do you mean he looks at other women? When I'm out with my husband I look at other people, sometimes men. Actually I do it when I'm out with anyone. I hadn't thought that was unnormal but maybe I'm wrong. Or does he do more than that?

It is more of an obvious looking, and it happens a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:44

Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:39

It is more of an obvious looking, and it happens a lot

Show quote history

Apologies, I should have explained better! My OH had an emotional affair with a female friend a while ago, it put me through hell to be honest, but I decided to give it another try. Now, things are no better

OP posts:
Nightlystroll · 04/04/2023 21:54

The thing is I do look and I can be guilty of staring - not lasciviously - but both at men and women. So it would be hypocritical of me to condemn someone else for it. But I guess if you feel insecure about him because of his previous actions, you'd think if he cared about saving your relationship, he'd be especially cautious not to do something that upsets you. So maybe that tells you something.

Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:57

Nightlystroll · 04/04/2023 21:54

The thing is I do look and I can be guilty of staring - not lasciviously - but both at men and women. So it would be hypocritical of me to condemn someone else for it. But I guess if you feel insecure about him because of his previous actions, you'd think if he cared about saving your relationship, he'd be especially cautious not to do something that upsets you. So maybe that tells you something.

Yes, I'm sure you have a valid point there. He made a promise to not make me feel bad anymore and work to become a better partner, in truth, he has done this in some areas, but it is all starting to creep back in again.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 04/04/2023 22:00

He sounds really shit. Do you think he is the best you can do?

Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 22:15

PaigeMatthews · 04/04/2023 22:00

He sounds really shit. Do you think he is the best you can do?

There is also a ton of other stuff happened in the past, his emotional affair (which he is supposed to be working to make things better) lies, anger outbursts, the list is never ending! In answer to your question, he is kind in other ways..but the bottom line here is, I am in my late 50's, financially dependent, and basically feel trapped

OP posts:
Seas164 · 04/04/2023 22:15

You feel like he put you through hell with an emotional affair and things are no better, and he ogles other women when you're out and about and denies it with unbelievable anger.

What are you expecting from him now?

Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 22:19

Seas164 · 04/04/2023 22:15

You feel like he put you through hell with an emotional affair and things are no better, and he ogles other women when you're out and about and denies it with unbelievable anger.

What are you expecting from him now?

I really don't know the answer to that question, I think in reality, I need to get out of this, but am financially dependent and not at all young...it's just heartbreaking to be honest.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/04/2023 22:36

Are you married?

Original poster
Missy66 · 04/04/2023 22:41

category12 · 04/04/2023 22:36

Are you married?

No, not married..just live together

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 05/04/2023 00:29

Being skint is far better than putting up with this.

GarlicGrace · 05/04/2023 00:39

The longer you leave it, the older you'll get!

I married one of these - I know what you mean: it's not "looking" so much as "fixating", and the righteous anger is all out of proportion. I'm not convinced his emotional affair wasn't physical, either. I just gave up trying to extract any sense from either of them about it; the marriage was short and difficult.

I'm very sorry you feel trapped. I think staying in this situation will end up destroying your confidence - should you be constantly trying to change your partner, and what happens when that naturally fails? How about seeing whether you could stay with friends or family for a couple of months while you get your act together? What about your home, is it rented or co-owned?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 03:56

Missy66 · 04/04/2023 21:44

Apologies, I should have explained better! My OH had an emotional affair with a female friend a while ago, it put me through hell to be honest, but I decided to give it another try. Now, things are no better

Show quote history

So leave him.

He made you feel like shit, you've spoken about it, you still feel like shit because he's still doing it.

Stop trying to turn him into somebody he's not. A clean break will be less painful for you than hanging on, unhappily policing his wandering eye & getting shouted at for it.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 03:59

Missy66 · 04/04/2023 22:15

There is also a ton of other stuff happened in the past, his emotional affair (which he is supposed to be working to make things better) lies, anger outbursts, the list is never ending! In answer to your question, he is kind in other ways..but the bottom line here is, I am in my late 50's, financially dependent, and basically feel trapped

Show quote history

Well fuck.

What steps can you take to increase your independence?
Because this is going to keep happening -
He made a promise to not make me feel bad anymore and work to become a better partner, in truth, he has done this in some areas, but it is all starting to creep back in again. - as he knows you feel pretty much unable to escape him, so will tolerate his affairs, anger, & gaslighting.

Original poster
Missy66 · 05/04/2023 08:54

GarlicGrace · 05/04/2023 00:39

The longer you leave it, the older you'll get!

I married one of these - I know what you mean: it's not "looking" so much as "fixating", and the righteous anger is all out of proportion. I'm not convinced his emotional affair wasn't physical, either. I just gave up trying to extract any sense from either of them about it; the marriage was short and difficult.

I'm very sorry you feel trapped. I think staying in this situation will end up destroying your confidence - should you be constantly trying to change your partner, and what happens when that naturally fails? How about seeing whether you could stay with friends or family for a couple of months while you get your act together? What about your home, is it rented or co-owned?

Thank you. Only people who have lived with this stuff understand. I would not know where to start getting out of this. I have very little savings and financially dependent. The house is jointly owned

OP posts:
Original poster
Missy66 · 05/04/2023 08:55

Frogger8395 · 05/04/2023 00:29

Being skint is far better than putting up with this.

Thank you, really appreciate your support

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2023 16:40

If you sold the joint property, how would things look financially? Would you be able to afford a small place of your own?

You only have the one life so while it's frightening to look at starting over, is the alternative of spending your old age with this man not worse?

What if he becomes infirm, how would being his carer look for you?

Or indeed, if your health declines, do you see him looking after you kindly?

category12 · 05/04/2023 16:42

You could get some legal and financial advice on the quiet to get an idea of your options.

Nightlystroll · 05/04/2023 16:57

I don't think there are any easy answers to your situation.
I think it's almost impossible for someone of his age to change who he is - and then only if he was really prepared to make the effort, which it really doesn't seem from what you're saying he is. Judge Judy says that a certain age you're cooked and I think she's right.
So if you think that how he behaves now (not when he's just been caught out but usually) is how he will always behave, is that who you want to be with? Is it even someone you're prepared to cross paths with in your house occasionally?
I'm guessing you've written your opening post because it's not. So that leaves you with two alternatives. Stay in your house and be unhappy. Or leave and have the chance of happiness, either with someone else or alone. If you take away all the fear and financial problems, which would you do?
Any change is scary so forget that. Your decision is to keep the status quo. Unhappy but with financial security (not to be sniffed at!). Or face up to your poor financial situation and figure how you could make a move work.
As I said, no easy answers. Easy for other people but not for you in the middle of it taking the risks.

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