Emotionally disengaged - any hope for BiL?

[Calmondeck]

My BiL has been married 3 years (2.5yr old and 9 month old DCs) to a fantastic woman 11 years his junior. He very much swept this woman off her feet, daily bouquets, regular overseas adventures, slightly isolated her from her (in his eyes) immature (just young early 20s) friends. The relationship felt very manufactured by him from the outset (though she is strong, intelligent and capable). He had a very experimental 20s/early thirties and pushed the boundaries hard (alcohol, drugs, sex) whilst holding down a high flying international career where he could be living in 4-6 different countries a year. His relationship with my SiL developed because he was craving some wholesomeness (his words)… and now 3 years on admits “we’re worlds apart, she’s just so young, we’re different generations, we have nothing in common, I wish she’d socialise with friends but she just wants family time”. For an extremely intelligent man, I’m feeling very little sympathy that he didn’t see this coming nor that he doesn’t seem to realise he created her dependence on him.

(hang in there if you’re still with me) He is back to his previous high functioning alcoholic ways and this poor woman has issued him an ultimatum to stop drinking or she will leave (she wants the marriage to work).

He has asked me for guidance… what would you say?

Tell him, to wise up and go to AA. Tell him to be grateful for the wake-up call. That he will at some stage seriously regret his actions if he doesn’t stop now - it will be a lot less easy to be high functioning when he’s a drunk in his 50’s, whose ex has nothing left but contempt for him and whose kids aren’t interested in knowing him.

Having young kids is a huge undertaking, life is totally different and disrupted. He has voluntarily created two children, ie a family. He doesn’t get to play bored and hard done by. Time to be a grown up.

I would tell him to be scrupulously fair to his wife when it comes to a divorce settlement. These children do not warrant an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives.

Yes, I feel desperately sorry for his young wife. His children he adores, and is saying he’ll do anything for. He is asking me whether a psychologist or psychiatrist can help cure his alcoholism (I think the issue is an extreme personality/adrenaline addiction where nothing in life is done in halves, the alcohol is just a symptom)… but I just feel this is so unjust for this wife… he’ll try to sober up for his kids and “endure” life with this “young stranger” he’s married. I’m horrified he is talking about her like this and just want to tell her to run.

If he's got exposable income, I would suggest he invests in some sort of rehab to support him through the initial withdrawals and then to start psychotherapy.
I understand your concern around his wife, he doesn't sound very invested however this could be partly to do with his addiction and not seeing things clearly/ grass is greener. When he's getting the help and support he needs then see where he is with her and go from there with how you feel is best to support them. At the moment the main concern is the children and what they are seeing/hearing. He needs to put his focus into becoming well for himself and them. She is an adult and can make the decision to of she sticks by him or not through this, the children don't have a choice.