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Original poster

Relationship Advice

17 replies

Salgrada · 04/04/2023 18:54

I have been in a new relationship since the beginning of January. It's obviously early days three months in but going well.

My daughter, 10, isn't as excited by the new relationship as me. Obviously nobody else would be as the two involved and I wouldn't expect her too be.

I have told her 2 weeks ago I have a girlfriend and she knows my gf has 4 kids. That is as far as the conversation has got pretty much. I wanted her to get used to the idea I am dating. However she hasn't raised the subject since except to say she doesn't want to meet my GF. That's fine now but not indefinitely.

Her mum and I have been apart as long as she can remember and I have dated intermittently but nothing serious. Her mum hasn't had a new relationship. Therefore my daughter is used to either my full attention Fri-Sun or her mums the rest of the week.

How the future progresses worries me. I suppose I'm asking for some advice on best ways forward. There is no rush though.I have an amazing relationship with my daughter and don't want to do anything to damage it.

My ex has been very vocal saying to leave our daughter out of it which is fine for now but again not long term. She has said that our daughter is worried about my gf having 4 kids which I can understand. I had hoped as an only child the thought of kids to play with might have been a positive but seemingly not.

From experience what are the best ways to approach this over the next 12 months or so encouraging my daughter to become involved and engaged?

We can work around things by seeing each other a couple of evenings mid week when my Gfs children are in bed by using babysitters so there is no rush to involve children but I'd like to encourage my daughter more to become used to the idea I'm having a relationship and open her up to asking questions.

Thanks

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 04/04/2023 19:01

She’s 10. There is no need for her to be involved in your relationship .
Maybe you are expecting too much from her at that age .

MrLbz · 04/04/2023 19:04

I'm worried about your GF having 4 kids as well. This is going to be very tough for your daughter and a major stress on your resources and time.

Original poster
Salgrada · 04/04/2023 19:04

Thanks

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/04/2023 20:24

January is still very early days with your new girlfriend and your relationship should be with your daughter, not with this woman and her children.Your daughter is only 10 and has expressed her feelings so please respect them. Obviously she is feeling upset and threatened by these changes in your life so l would suggest when you spend time with her you don't mention the gf or her kids unless she shows any interest.

LBFseBrom · 04/04/2023 20:35

MrLbz · 04/04/2023 19:04

I'm worried about your GF having 4 kids as well. This is going to be very tough for your daughter and a major stress on your resources and time.

Me too if they are all still living with your new girlfriend. Different if they are older and left home.

However you haven't (I think), said you are planning on living together, just that she is your girlfriend, and that could work out all right. There would also be no reason for your daughter to meet them all at the moment.

Try and keep it light. Living with four children who are not yours sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster
Salgrada · 04/04/2023 20:56

Ok thanks for the responses.

Echoed what I thought really at the present time but my question was over the next 12 months.

Thanks

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2023 21:14

OK so your kids worries may include:

  • what is dad loves her more than me?
  • what if he loves the other kids more than me?
  • What if he sounds so much time with them, he has and time for me?
  • what if they invade my personal space?
  • what if I have to give up my room or share it?
  • what if they are noise and annoying?
  • what if she starts to tell me what to do, as if she is my mum or something?
  • how will my mum feel about this?
  • will my dad change as a result of this?
  • what if I don't like these kids and he makes me spend time with them?
  • will i have to share my things with these kids?
  • will they steal my toys?
  • what if they are mean to me. Can I trust dad to stand up for me?

Ect..ect..
You need to think about how to reassure her with these issues.

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2023 21:16

Sorry that third one down was - what if he spends so much time with them,he has no time for me?

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2023 21:34

Also as for the 'I thought she'd like having kids to play with'

Put yourself in her shoes, honestly, what would you think when someone living in your house goes 'hey, you're going to have to share your space and your family with 5 new people. Four of whom, are children!'. ?

Yeah...something like: 'oh fuck off! Why the hell do I have to do that? Why can't you just leave me in peace? I already have to spend 5 days a week around other people 9-5 and now this!? I mean...are you on crack, why can't you just get drunk, watch netflix and wank like everyone else! Why does YOUR love life have to ruin MY life?!' ...OK...I paraphrase but you get the point.

Honestly if I were her I'd be raging with you. You couldn't have picked a woman with just one other kid? 4? Four. Fml xD

SpringleDingle · 04/04/2023 21:45

My DD is 12 and totally against the idea of siblings, she is a very happy only. She’d be pretty horrified at the idea of step siblings! I am dating and she knows about it. She asked to meet the guy out of curiosity so we went for lunch. She hasn’t asked anymore about him but I mention him now and then. I have no intention of cohabiting anytime soon and see the OH every other weekend when DD is with her dad. We may do more stuff involving DD as time goes on but it would only be if she wanted and would be stuff aimed at ensuring she was having fun (e.g. cinema or bowling or something). I guess you need to decide your long game. I’d like DD to be comfortable sharing a summer holiday with my OH next summer so am working towards that (she needs to see him as fun for her too and not as competition for my attention).

mephi · 04/04/2023 22:05

Sounds pretty trying as a prospect for her. Why mention it to her anyway? 3 months in... 12 weeks... a few dates. Presumably you don't know even if you personally could tolerate your new friend's parenting or the dynamics of her family life at this point so I wouldn't have thought there was any reason to introduce such worries to your DC at this early stage. It all seems very previous...

category12 · 04/04/2023 22:18

At 3 months in, you don't even know yourself if the relationship will have legs.

I know the New Relationship Energy is heady stuff but stay realistic - there are a lot of bridges to cross yet and you do barely know this woman.

I think your dd knows enough to be going on with.

I'd think about maybe starting to introduce her to your girlfriend, and later her kids as well in several months time.

I'd be really anxious about so many potential step-siblings if I were her.

category12 · 04/04/2023 22:22

Oops not sure my sentence made sense:
Let me rephrase - in several months time, I would think about starting to introduce your girlfriend, and later again her kids.

WisherWood · 04/04/2023 22:39

At this stage, you don't know that there is a long term for you and your GF. So I would leave introductions for now. If in a few months, things are still going well for you, you could try introducing your daughter to your GF, just the three of you, no other children. Key to this will be helping your daughter feel secure in her relationship with you. So you also need to be spending a lot of one on one time with her. And she needs to feel the GF will add to her life, not subtract from it.

Only once she's secure with your GF would I introduce the other children into it. I can see why she's concerned. That's a whole gang of them and she has the potential to be the odd one out. Are they girls or boys or both? I would start by introducing her to any girls nearest her age. And again, she needs to feel secure in everything that is happening. Your biggest problem will be her feeling left out. I agree with @Pinkbonbon 's list but you can basically summarise her fears as 'am I going to lose my dad? Am I going to lose out?' And it's hard to see how that won't happen.

So over months and years, if it goes well with your GF, I would make things fun and light and happy for your daughter and keep time just for the two of you. Personally, I would not try to blend as a family. I'd leave moving in with the GF until all the kids are 18+ but I suspect that is not the answer you want to hear.

Ishouldbeoutside · 04/04/2023 22:41

Only three months? Far too soon to be expecting your poor daughter to be approving of your new girlfriend, let alone meeting her kids. See your gf when your daughter is with her mum . Concentrate on giving your daughter your full attention when you do see her and keep conversation about the gf out of it unless she asks. Maybe well down the line if you want to live together , that would be the time to encourage your daughter to get to know her better . It’s far too soon to put all this expectation on a little girl.

Snugglemonkey · 04/04/2023 23:14

Salgrada · 04/04/2023 20:56

Ok thanks for the responses.

Echoed what I thought really at the present time but my question was over the next 12 months.

Thanks

Over the next 12 months get to know your gf properly. Leave your daughter be.

Original poster
Salgrada · 05/04/2023 06:57

Thanks everyone very helpful replies.

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