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Original poster

Is this unrealistic?

26 replies

K7896 · 04/04/2023 09:45

So me and my ex have decided to try and see how things go before we officially get back together.
We were apart for a year and in that year I made plans/promises to my best friend about going away on holiday together.
Our past relationship was volatile and a lot of him being insecure and saying I was spending to much time with the girls etc.

I've told him about the holiday and he said ' it's my choice but I'm not ecstatic about it as it feels like nothing is going to change'
I explained I promised my friend ages ago and I've agreed that me and him can also go away somewhere together.

I'm struggling to understand the problem - am I being unreasonable?
I'm a big believer in still doing things for yourself even when you're in a relationship. I don't think anyone should have to feel like they can't go away every now and then with their friends. Part of the problem previously was that I felt suffocated and worried to tell him anything as he'd get funny about it.

It's like he wants me to stay at home with him all the time and not go away.

Should I stand by my guns and still go? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 04/04/2023 09:47

When he says nothing is going to change he means you still won't tow the line...
I took back an ex. Huge huge mistake.
Don't do it op.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 04/04/2023 09:48

Go on your holiday and DO NOT get back together with him. He has not changed and won't. Why go backwards? You're not even officially back together and already second guessing whether you can go on a pre-planned holiday with your friends without him getting upset and controlling.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

PS - enjoy your holiday!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 09:49

Go on holiday with your friends.

Do not get back with the ex under any circumstances. He is an ex for bloody good reason in that he is still trying to control you. He indeed wants you to be at home with him and not go out at all without him. Controlling behaviour like this is abusive behaviour; he wants you to be in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Do also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Eggseggseverywhere · 04/04/2023 09:50

When he says nothing is going to change he means you still won't tow the line...
I took back an ex. Huge huge mistake.
Don't do it op.

Heroicallyfound · 04/04/2023 09:50

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

What has he done to address his controlling behaviour? Because his actions suggest he’s done absolutely nothing. I don’t understand why you’d get back together with him when you know that his behaviour made you incompatible before.

Freeme31 · 04/04/2023 09:53

Not unrealistic at all. I think he means YOU have to change not him. Up your bar it starts with don't see friends then moves onto family. He sounds very insecure btw if you stay & have children.....

Raggeo · 04/04/2023 09:54

Please go on holiday with your friend. His reaction to that and how he copes with it will let you know whether you should get back together with him or not. Remember the reasons you broke up in the first place. I got back with an ex and we lasted another 2 years... But I wish I hadn't. Looking back I can see that he was controlling and probably what would be called emotionally abusive now,although at the time I didn't know it. To balance that I have a close friend who split with her partner for a year then when they got back together it really worked for them but they had worked through a lot of the previous issues properly.

Senseofnopurpose · 04/04/2023 09:59

I think you're asking the wrong question!

Franklin2000 · 04/04/2023 10:00

So nothing is going to change because YOU’RE not changing? That’s what he’s saying. Your whole life will be like this, no freedom to just go and do without second guessing what his reaction will be. He was an ex for a reason and luckily he’s shown you now he hasn’t changed before you get back with him. Go on your holiday and have the best time. You’re doing nothing wrong.

Goneblank38 · 04/04/2023 10:02

Don't get back with him and have an ace time with your friend. He's a controlling jerk.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2023 10:05

How can you not see that he is the same controlling arsehole you broke up with a year ago? He's an ex for a very, very good reason, and he has literally shown you, once again, that he is never going to change. Don't be so foolish as to let him back into your life.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 04/04/2023 10:06

He has all the hallmarks of a controlling abuser. Basically, he wants you to himself on his terms and will manipulate, coerce and intimidate until he has you in a cage. This time it's a holiday with friends. Next time it will be who you're having a night out with or that you spend too much time with your family or you're not dressing in a manner he approves of. See sense and run as far away from him as you can. His tactics might change but his mindset never will. He will forever feel entitled to dictate what you do, how you do it and who you do it with. Is that the sort of life you want?

MMmomDD · 04/04/2023 10:06

Why are you getting back with him only to have the same volatile relationship?
Clearly he isn’t going to change and will be suffocating you and making you feel unreasonable for wanting to spend time with your friends
is this a life you want to have?

Kolakalia · 04/04/2023 10:07

Why does he want you to not go on holidays with your friends? What's his actual concern there?

You'll be signing up for a very lonely life if you get back with this man. In healthy relationships both partners want the other to enjoy themselves with others. I'm married with a child, this month I'm off to London with a bunch of friends for the weekend. DH is off to another city with his friends the following month for a weekend. Every time an opportunity comes up to do something nice with friends it's a simple calendar check to make sure it works and off you go, have lots of fun! Why wouldn't you want someone you love to enjoy their life?

purpledalmation · 04/04/2023 10:07

Sounds like same old, same old

Sunnygirl07 · 04/04/2023 11:00

Yes, of course, you should see your girls friends & go away with them as well as with him.

He either follows what you expect from him or it's not going to work again. Set clear boundaries with him.

My DH is always supportive when I plan to go away with my friend lady or with my Mum and most of the time we go away as a family 3 of us with our 16 y.o. son too.

This year we go to Germany, Berlin for 1 week as a family & I plan to book 1 week in August with my Mum whatever good offer we will find.

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Shoxfordian · 04/04/2023 17:05

It sounds like nothing changed, he’s still controlling and abusive; don’t get back together

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 17:31

Ask yourself: would a psychologically healthy person return to a relationship that had broken down, whilst feeling that the problems hadn't changed?

Why would he come back to you, if he thinks you're still going to cause him the same problems? Can't he find someone who would suit him better? Can't you?

FishChipsMushyPeas · 04/04/2023 17:33

So he hasn't changed at all then.

category12 · 04/04/2023 17:37

K7896 · 04/04/2023 09:45

So me and my ex have decided to try and see how things go before we officially get back together.
We were apart for a year and in that year I made plans/promises to my best friend about going away on holiday together.
Our past relationship was volatile and a lot of him being insecure and saying I was spending to much time with the girls etc.

I've told him about the holiday and he said ' it's my choice but I'm not ecstatic about it as it feels like nothing is going to change'
I explained I promised my friend ages ago and I've agreed that me and him can also go away somewhere together.

I'm struggling to understand the problem - am I being unreasonable?
I'm a big believer in still doing things for yourself even when you're in a relationship. I don't think anyone should have to feel like they can't go away every now and then with their friends. Part of the problem previously was that I felt suffocated and worried to tell him anything as he'd get funny about it.

It's like he wants me to stay at home with him all the time and not go away.

Should I stand by my guns and still go? Or am I being unreasonable?

The reasons you broke up are the reasons you should stay broken up.

Nothing has changed.

Do you actually want a life where your partner kicks off or makes an issue over your friendships? Where every girls' night or holiday with mates is disapproved of?

Other men are available.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 05:00

I'm struggling to understand the problem
The problem is you are going back to the same man, with the same issues, & expecting things to be magically different.

Part of the problem previously was that I felt suffocated and worried to tell him anything as he'd get funny about it.
And when you get back together with him, you will feel suffocated again.
He hasn't changed.

Your wish to socialise with your friends is reasonable. He isn't. You know this. Why are you contemplating making yourself unhappy all over again?

Phoebo · 05/04/2023 05:01

Don't get back with him, he's a controlling, insecure dick

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 05:09

Should I stand by my guns and still go? Or am I being unreasonable?

This is a very worrying question.
It is 2023, you don't need anybody's permission to go on holiday with your woman friend. Not ours, & certainly not Mr Controlling's.
If we'd all (unreasonably!) said you were a bitch to even consider going, would you have ditched your pal, foregone your holiday, & kowtowed to this abusive twat who is Hoovering you back in?
https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Will you sign yourself up for The Freedom Programme please OP?
You can do it online now, for a very few quid.
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Buy this book. Treat it as a bible for the next 6 months. Learn it, absorb it, use it to pattern-spot & protect yourself in future.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

& read this - which should be a core curriculum for all young women, frankly -
https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

8 Signs You’re the Victim of an Abusive “Hoovering” Narcissist

Your heart sinks as you read the text, “I’m not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help.” It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties

https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering

Original poster
K7896 · 05/04/2023 11:26

Thanks everyone - it's also his birthday on Saturday but I agreed to go to my friends belated birthday as it was arranged a few weeks before we agreed to try again.

He's also not happy about that - I have explained normally I'd never book plans on his birthday but we weren't even speaking at the time.

Again I feel bad as it's his birthday but I'm not going to let my friend down

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/04/2023 11:47

Why do you even want to get back with him? He's made it clear that he expects you to do all the changing and accommodate him. Although it doesn't sound like you want to do it his way - nor should you, his demands are unreasonable- instead of standing your ground and letting him know you will always need time with friends, you are just making excuses for prior arrangements.
Sounds like you are quite happy to ditch your friends for him once the currently planned trips are done. He's showing you that he expects this. That is your future if you continue to chose him.