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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to break it off?

10 replies

Funkytuna · 03/04/2023 20:35

How do you break it off with someone without causing drama?
Been seeing this guy for a while now everythings been going great, no lovebombing but theres a spark, can talk and make each other laugh, pretty comfortable eith each other etc...then he drops into conversation how 10 years ago his ex took out a restraining order against him. Welp, you dont get much more of a bigger red flag than that! My last 2 relationships have been abusive with full blown narcissists so I've had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime plus one of them ended incredibly messily. Basically I need an excuse as I dont want to be truthful because it will cause drama, he'll be pissed, we're in the same friendship group so will cause issues there and I be it will make sure he doesnt tell the next girl. Help a girl out.

OP posts:

dietcokelime · 03/04/2023 20:37

Typical it's not you it's me / I need time to work on myself / I want a hot girl summer / I'm no longer dating we need to consciously uncouple?

RLEOM · 03/04/2023 22:03

😬 I'd be checking out of that relationship.

PousseyNotMoira · 03/04/2023 22:06

Just say you’re not feeling it any more. What’s the difficulty? Have you never broken up with anyone before?

Hiddenvoice · 03/04/2023 22:09

I’d just say you don’t feel the same anymore so think it would be mean to carry on the relationship with him. Explain that your feelings have changed so as to not hurt him you’re going to give him some distance for a little while but would like to remain friends. Keep it short and sweet. If he prods for questions just keep saying you don’t feel the same anymore, you feel it’s more friendship, platonic based with him rather than a romantic connection.

C1N1C · 03/04/2023 22:15

Are you sure it's not a vindictive restraining order? There's a good chance it isn't, but some people can be super spiteful and do things like this just to mess with guys that have dumped them etc (obviously works both ways). I'd at least get his side first.

If you've already checked out though, why not just be honest? You said this, I appreciate you didn't have to, but it's a red flag for me and I'm not sure I can risk it, please understand...

Original poster

Funkytuna · 04/04/2023 07:13

C1N1C · 03/04/2023 22:15

If you've already checked out though, why not just be honest? You said this, I appreciate you didn't have to, but it's a red flag for me and I'm not sure I can risk it, please understand...

That's what he said and it could well be but having children myself I dont want to take that risk...especially as my last relationship ended up in carnage when I tried to end it and it was me taking the restraining order out. And I know for a fact that my ex will be telling his new girlfriends that it was vindictive when it absolutely wasn't, he's a genuine psycho. So yeah I'm just now a little nervous about how to proceed with this one.

OP posts:

barmycatmum · 04/04/2023 08:22

It’s best to use something he cannot argue with.

something like - you still have so much healing to do from your ex, and you want to be alone/ not date for a while.

short and sweet, and keep it all about you and your own growth/ healing/ mental health,

but also leave absolutely no room for him hoping to get back together.

robinsnest1967 · 04/04/2023 08:34

You could do a Claires Law through the police to potentially check.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 08:46

Just tell him you're not feeling comfortable in the relationship anymore. You don't need to give a reason. 'Something just doesn't feel right'

You don't need an 'excuse', you're not a child trying to skive off something they're meant to attend. You are an adult who has decided they don't want to be in a relationship, and it's fine to say that.

NessVan · 04/04/2023 15:57

Unless it's an NMO , the ex can't "take out" a restraining order. It has to be ordered by the public prosecution services , and if it was it means that a court and the public prosecution have deemed him a public danger to this ex after she's reported him for something. I guess thats very serious. I'd be requesting info on him using Sarah's Law...

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