HELP! Brother trying to be their dad.

[GreenTiger12345]

I had another post about my DC fighting and got some replies that worried me.

For background my DC are DS17, DS15, DS14, DS12, DD10. They don't live with their dad and see him roughly once a month as tbh he can't be bothered.

When we first split (when oldest was 14) I used to work 9-6:30pm, so they would get the bus home and my mum would look after them Mon-Thur until 6:30. She was quite old though (80s) and couldn't help with homework and wasn't able to play with DC etc.

So my DS now 17 (13 at the time) used to help his 2 youngest siblings with homework and would play toys with DS and DD (then 9 and 7), even though I told him not to worry and I would do homework etc. when I got home. I am very lucky and now have a better job and work until 4 so am home with the kids every evening.

But DS17 still 'looks after' his siblings. He plays with DD10 dolls with her, he helps with her homework, he plays football with my younger 2 DS. He makes my other DC snacks when they get home from school and reads to DD probs 3 nights a week. He'll drop whatever he's doing if anyone of his siblings are upset. He's very protective of DD and DS12 and loves all of his siblings a lot. But particularly with DD10, he acts as if she hung the stars in the sky, its almost like in his eyes she can rarely do anything wrong (I mean when he gets into arguments with her brothers, he usually takes her side).

I have tried to squash this and insisted I am the parent and he is their sibling etc and to go have fun by himself and not worry about them. But for the most part I put it down to him just being a sweet boy who loved and looked after his siblings. I thought he may act a bit different to most siblings as he's trying to take on the role of 'dad' even though I discouraged this.

But on this other post (about an argument they had), some people thought it was crazy. One person even called it dangerous, which I thought was crazy.

What do you guys think? Should I have a sit down chat with him and try and put in some boundaries? I honestly didnt think too much was wrong but now am having second guesses. HELP!

My son is similar with his sister.

He is now 24 amd she is 17 but, when they were younger, they loved nothing more than me to go out so he could babysit. They watched films together, he had 'sleepovers' for her in his room, they'd go out for lunch.

He's incredibly protective over her.

He does talk to her on occasion when she's being a difficult teen but as an older sibling who she listens to rather than her parent.

He moved out a couple of years ago. I did wonder what it would do to the dynamic but they are in contact almost daily. She goes and stays over at his flat occasionally. He'll take her shopping, to the cinema, to dinner and then she'll stay over.

She still sometimes sits on his lap when he comes to visit like she did when she was little.

I couldn't imagine them being any closer tbh. It's lovely and people have commented positively on their relationship since she was a baby.

If you think he's overstepping the mark, then say something. Only you know what the dynamic looks like in reality.

I think he sounds like a sweetheart and is a credit to you. Well done for raising a caring and resilient young man.
Some replies on your original post did make me raise an eyebrow. Probably from those who know nothing of being a working single parent. X

I wouldn't worry, this sounds like his nature as much as anything else. Keep doing what you're doing - reassuring him etc and making sure he's not taking too much on. I'd also make sure he has a suitable emotional outlet for his feelings, and if you don't already, make sure you put aside some time regularly to find out what's going on with him and support him emotionally. Ime , people like him are a bit too good at being self sufficient and can end up neglecting their own needs without realising it.

It's one of those Mumsnet truisms that it's terrible to ask older siblings to ever help with or take any responsibility for younger siblings. It's bullshit; that's what being a family is about. When you're going through difficult times and everyone pitches in it's a lovely thing, and is often the catalyst for beautiful bonds between siblings. Your boy sounds gorgeous, and I'd be really proud of him.

I wonder if he has taken on that role/behaviour to compensate for their actual dad not being around? Sounds like a great brother, kind and helpful and hopefully will be a great dad himself some day.

OP, your son sounds like a lovely responsible boy and a great brother! His parents splitting up and your working hours probably made him feel like he needed to support his younger siblings as best as he could. Maybe you could organise some 1 to 1 time with him away from his siblings?

@GreyCarpet why does your 17yo daughter sit on your 24 year old son’s lap? The rest of your post sounded lovely but that part was a little odd. But then again, I haven’t sat on my parents’ laps since I was a very young child. Maybe this is normal in some families.

She still sometimes sits on his lap when he comes to visit like she did when she was little.

This is NOT normal

Your ds sounds lovely. All I would say is be careful the other ds don’t get jealous and resentful if he’s treat her completely differently, definitely worth a serious chat about being equitable.

This made me well up. Your son is an absolute superstar. What a guy.

If he's happy and you are, no probs.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy. Is there any kind of treat you could arrange for him, a trip away to do something he'd like?

he had 'sleepovers' for her in his room

Neither is this

Why on earth not??

They'd take snacks up, he'd put a Disney film on for her. She'd watch half an hour and fall asleep. He'd go on his computer and then sleep on an airbed on the floor.

She just wanted to spend time with him. He did it for her.

As for sitting on her lap. It's her choice. My friend used to still sit on her dad's lap when she was in her 20s and came home to visit.

Who gets to dictate what is 'normal' 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Favouritism is not fair and incredibly destructive

The thing I'd be worried about is what is he doing for him? Is he studying, or working? Is he getting to hang out with people his own age?