Page 2 | Is this a red flag?

CP85 · 2023-04-03T08:55:41+00:00

I started seeing someone new a couple of months ago, met him on Hinge. It's been going well, we mesh well and have similar interests, seeing in each quite regularly. When I last saw him on Thursday he revealed to me that he has a daughter who is about to turn 17. I am fine with my partner having children - it is to be expected at my age (37). However what bothered me is that he doesn't have any contact with her and hasn't for over ten years. Apparently it was a one night stand when he was 22 and it was with an awful woman who made his and his whole family's life a nightmare, threatening them and just being generally nasty. He wasn't even informed when she was born. But...surely that's no excuse to not be in her life? If anything shouldn't he have fought to stay in it so that this awful woman wasn't her only parental influence? I just worry that this means he is fundamentally not a very nice person? He had tears in his eyes when he was telling me and he has paid child maintenance consistently but I still feel very uncomfortable about it. Should I leave it? Or am I being judgmental, I don't have kids myself so maybe there are situations where this is ok?

Watchkeys · 03/04/2023 12:20

I just worry that this means he is fundamentally not a very nice person

Do you think this scenario would ever present itself with your ideal partner? You've been seeing him a couple of months and you suspect that he might not even be 'nice'. Why on earth would you stay with him?

When you meet a partner that you can create a healthy relationship with, all you will think is 'Oh my god, he's lovely, he's just so lovely...', and questions about red flags won't come into your head.

Wondering if something is a red flag is a red flag. It means something in your own personal boundaries is feeling violated. Why would you try to over-ride that natural message that your own system is giving you?

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 12:33

Is he tearing up at the thought of not seeing his daughter or the fact he had to pay CM for so long?

Sorry but I'm not buying it, I'd chuck this one back.

LexMitior · 03/04/2023 12:40

The phrase "crazy ex" is a red flag in of itself.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 13:09

LexMitior · 03/04/2023 12:40

The phrase "crazy ex" is a red flag in of itself.

I agree with this.

My son dated someone for 18 months who would fall into this category realistically - threatened to kill herself when he applied to university, self harmed when he started (he lived at home so hadn't even moved away), followed him to campus and hid watching him in the hope of catching him cheating, lied about various illnesses, lied about being sexually assaulted (she told him when she was on the way home from a night out, he brought her back to ours, washed her clothes, cleaned up her sick (she was drunk), listened to her, suppprted her and beleived her). She eventually admitted it hadn't happened and panicked thinking he'd gone out and met someone else and fabricated the whole thing to be able to see him in the middle of the night to catch him out. When the penny finally dropped for him that, no matter what he said or did, this would continue, he ended it and she told him she was pregnant and he'd have to give up university and get a job to support her and the baby. She wasn't pregnant.

He has never referred to her as his 'crazy ex' nor does he tell anyone about her really. He certainly wouldn't badmouth her to subsequent girlfriends (and hasn't) out of respect for her.

Original poster

CP85 · 03/04/2023 13:22

He never used the phrase 'crazy ex', and he also explained to me this morning that he didn't know of the child's existence until she was 1.

However he was then involved until she was 7 but the ex kept making it harder and harder. He eventually concluded that him 'being involved did more harm than good' as the situation had become so toxic with how the mother was treating him and his family.

I know everything isn't black and white, but I was always under the impression that you should try and see your child no matter what the situation, and that is what I'm struggling with. It seems he basically prioritized his and his family's happiness/sanity over his daughter's.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 13:28

CP85 · 03/04/2023 13:22

He never used the phrase 'crazy ex', and he also explained to me this morning that he didn't know of the child's existence until she was 1.

However he was then involved until she was 7 but the ex kept making it harder and harder. He eventually concluded that him 'being involved did more harm than good' as the situation had become so toxic with how the mother was treating him and his family.

I know everything isn't black and white, but I was always under the impression that you should try and see your child no matter what the situation, and that is what I'm struggling with. It seems he basically prioritized his and his family's happiness/sanity over his daughter's.

That sounds like a very difficult situation.

Sometimes, you can try as hard as you like and still keep running into dead ends. At that point, I think you do have to make a decision for your mental health. It also wouldn't be good for the daughter having sporadic contact with him as and when the mum allowed.

What is he doing about it now she is older? That's what I'd be more interested in.

For clarity my son's father has had no contact with me since our son's birth so no contact with him either. No maintenance, no contact, wouldn't know if he was alive or dead tbh. My son is now 24. So I'm certainly not biased in this. But I wouldn't automatically write him off.

People can be arseholes and people can feel defeated.

theWarOnPeace · 03/04/2023 15:01

What was she actually doing to him and his family? For me I don’t see how any amount of horribleness would stop me, in fact I’d be more determined to give my child stability. It would take a lot of explaining about the whole scenario if I were you, to convince me he hadn’t basically just given up on his kid.

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:14

I’ve read about some horrific abuse on this site that women have suffered at the hands of men, and not one of them that I can recall, ever abandoned their kids because of it. I find it hard to justify men in his situation making that choice.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 15:31

If he didn't find out about her for a while and barely saw her over those first few years...it might not be a big deal. I mean, so long as he never bonded with her, she's probably fine not knowing him. Maybe he figured it was easier for the kid too, him not being there for the mother to play the child off against him with.

Maybe he could have did things differently but he was young too. And hell, I can't blame him for wanting to escape a nutjob.

Still, be wary, the old 'my ex is crazy' can be a big red flag. And you only have his word he pays maintenance.

Also, if the teen returns to his life...you could become emerged in this family drama. It's really not ideal.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/04/2023 15:36

Tbh he's an idiot for having unprotected sex if he didn't want a kid but I can see why you wouldn't move heaven and earth to see a child you didn't actually want, didn't know about for the first year and whose parent was making it extremely difficult. At least if we don't want babies, we have choices.

Grimchmas · 03/04/2023 15:40

Listen to your gut instinct.

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:43

AllOfThemWitches · 03/04/2023 15:36

Tbh he's an idiot for having unprotected sex if he didn't want a kid but I can see why you wouldn't move heaven and earth to see a child you didn't actually want, didn't know about for the first year and whose parent was making it extremely difficult. At least if we don't want babies, we have choices.

So do men, but he made the choice to have unprotected sex and abortion isn’t a form of contraception for men who want better orgasms.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/04/2023 15:45

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:43

So do men, but he made the choice to have unprotected sex and abortion isn’t a form of contraception for men who want better orgasms.

Show quote history

Yeah, to clarify, I meant at least we have choices after pregnancy has occurred. We can't become parents without knowing about it. But yea, he's an idiot.

Talon01 · 03/04/2023 16:17

Take it from someone that has experience of a difficult ex this is a thing. It isn't talked about nearly enough and it's something that many prefer to turn a blind eye towards or simply don't want to acknowledge.

I've been through court. There weren't any serious safeguarding concerns, my ex has done countless wacky things and it's all been tuned a blind eye towards. Whenever I point this out to the professionals I've had to deal with they have nothing to say as they can't defend it but for some odd reason don't want to challenge it.

I've remained in the kids lives on a consistent basis but from my experience and the countless experiences I've heard about its hard to truly understand unless you've been through it as you wouldn't believe it otherwise. Also having gone through the experience I wouldn't judge those that did walk away (and I say that as someone who didn't think like that before the experience itself).

It's very much damned if you do or don't.

You should fight for the kids. Yes, but there's only so far you can go emotionally and financially. That's also leaving aside the impact such fighting has on the kids themselves.

There is definitely a process to follow to try to push a Father out of a kids life. Make him go through court, make up allegations, bad mouth him to schools or any other supporting organisations. Push him into a costly contact centre.

The counter argument is well why would he have to go through court / contact centre if there wasn't an issue. But the truth is in some cases the ex is that vindictive.

I'm sure some on the step parent board would back this view. It just depends which side of the fence you sit on.

category12 · 03/04/2023 18:06

Talon01 · 03/04/2023 16:17

Take it from someone that has experience of a difficult ex this is a thing. It isn't talked about nearly enough and it's something that many prefer to turn a blind eye towards or simply don't want to acknowledge.

I've been through court. There weren't any serious safeguarding concerns, my ex has done countless wacky things and it's all been tuned a blind eye towards. Whenever I point this out to the professionals I've had to deal with they have nothing to say as they can't defend it but for some odd reason don't want to challenge it.

I've remained in the kids lives on a consistent basis but from my experience and the countless experiences I've heard about its hard to truly understand unless you've been through it as you wouldn't believe it otherwise. Also having gone through the experience I wouldn't judge those that did walk away (and I say that as someone who didn't think like that before the experience itself).

It's very much damned if you do or don't.

You should fight for the kids. Yes, but there's only so far you can go emotionally and financially. That's also leaving aside the impact such fighting has on the kids themselves.

There is definitely a process to follow to try to push a Father out of a kids life. Make him go through court, make up allegations, bad mouth him to schools or any other supporting organisations. Push him into a costly contact centre.

The counter argument is well why would he have to go through court / contact centre if there wasn't an issue. But the truth is in some cases the ex is that vindictive.

I'm sure some on the step parent board would back this view. It just depends which side of the fence you sit on.

I don't think anyone's saying it's not a possibility, but equally, that narrative is a frequent flying tall-tale from dodgy blokes who CBA with their kids.

No-one can say for sure which of the two it is without knowing the people involved very well.

The question was - is it a red flag? And yes is the answer. A red flag doesn't mean definitely don't pursue a relationship (although mileage may vary), but they do mean be alert for other warning signs IF you do pursue it and don't invest too heavily while you're scoping the person out further. Perfectly acceptable to nope out at the first red flag, and foolish to ignore multiple.