How to tell DH I want to separate

[stopthismadnesss]

Together 17 years, 2 teenage dc. For the past couple of years we live separate lives, sleep in separate rooms, don't talk much, slowly drifted apart and if it wasn't for dc would have separated a while ago. How do I bring it up that I think we should separate, I'm sure he must be thinking the same, but it's just approaching it. He's a great dad and lovely man but feel like I'm wasting my life.

I’ve done this the wrong way, and we’re still here.
Don’t ask him for a separation, tell him that it’s happening. Don’t let him beg for another chance, or tell you that he will change. You must be clear that you are divorcing, and don’t accept any comp.

*compromise

Have you thought through the practicalities of who would live where, arrangements for the children, etc?

I would approach it from the relationship point of view first - you’ve drifted apart etc - and then talk about practicalities. Keep it calm and respectful. Don’t bombard him with your thoughts.

I haven't thought of any practicalities and that's probably why it's gone on so long like this. I don't know who would keep the house, how it would work with dc when we both are working, so much to think about and sometimes it's easier to just plod on as we are 🥲

Get a plan together first. Think about how everything can be divided and who will move out etc. The practicalities are important and will add gravitas to your discussion. It will signal that you are serious and mean if.

Then …. Take a deep breath and whilst the kids are out of the house, just tell him you want to have a chat and come out with it.

Alternatively go somewhere public together in case he kicks off.
You can do it. Just feel the fear and do it anyway.,

Start off with making sure you’ve got your own account with your pay and child benefit paid into it.
Then see a family solicitor for advice.

Depending how old the DC are, they can decide who they live with. DD was 15 when we separated and the lawyer said she was old enough to decide where she lived and how often she saw the other parent.

See a lawyer to discuss what is likely to happen.

I had the conversation 6 months ago. Also married 17yrs funnily enough. It was horrendous and I nearly threw up but that’s partly as with us the dynamic is all off and I didn’t ever feel like I could say what I really felt or thought for fear of his reaction. I’m so so glad I did it though and think hopefully the worst bit is over. I wouldn’t have believed 3-4 months ago how ok he would be at this point, and seems to have reached a point of acceptance.

I just went in to where he was sitting in the lounge when the kids were out the way/occupied and said can we talk. I can’t quite remember but I think I said something along the lines of how I wasn’t happy and was he? And that I was thinking we might be happier living separately. He then put me on the spot saying did I want to separate etc got very upset. asked me if my mind was made up or if there was a chance for us. Got all threatening about the kids and money etc.
the next day it was so awful, having said no my mind is made up, I just didn’t know where to go from there. I said I would like to go to counselling to talk about it but I did think it was too late, he agreed to counselling and that was really good as kind of guided us through the process (until he stopped engaging).

you could just go straight to counselling and use that forum to talk about how you feel and to tell him.

It was a while before I moved out into rented with the kids but j think it was very powerful that from that day j slept in another room, showed that j meant it and stuck to it despite all the begging

It would be unkind and shocking to hit him with a fully formed plan, but it would be sensible to have an informed view of how you might manage to live separately, especially if you think he is probably thinking the same way as you.

Don’t assume either of you will keep the house, and accept your standards of living will have to change for you and for the kids. With teenagers there’s a good chance yuo’ll both need homes that can accommodate the kids 50:50

I think that you need to have a plan/suggestions in place otherwise it might seem wishy-washy and he might not take you seriously.

See a solicitor first - not to play hard ball, but to have something substantial to go on. Then, do your sums.

Then, when the kids are not present, tell him that you need to talk about the future, refer to how things have been at home, and explain that you believe that an amicable separation would be in both your interests.

Have you tried everything you can to improve the situation? Have you been to counselling? Have you spoken to him before about how you're feeling?

I said I was unhappy and wanted to go for relationship counselling. I said that was my line in the sand. Counselling or divorce.

He got angry (as usual), said fuck off and get your divorce. So he kind of made it easy for me.

It was different for me as he was a bully and I was intimidated by him. It’s been a difficult time as he’s was used to being the one in charge, but like an idiot he thought that getting even angrier was somehow going to make me give in as usual.