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Original poster

Partner of 4 years sleep at his ex wife’s house when visits his kids.

23 replies

Lula68 · 02/04/2023 23:46

we are 54 and 55 his kids 13 and 16 and live across the Atlantic mine are 24 and 31 and are self sufficient. He stays at his ex wife’s house for a couple of days at the end of the vacay. They go out as a family for the kids b’days. I have not met them yet — covid didn’t help. They divorced in 2016 but carried on sleeping together on weekends and holidays until we met in 2019. The kids didn’t know they were divorced.
I’m not happy about this - he calls her house home and i think that’s quite telling. , he has done it every time he visited but I kicked off and now says he is never staying there again , but he is horribly enmeshed with his ex wife. I can’t see that changing for years. I have weak boundaries and pretty low self worth ( horrible betrayal with ex husband ). It’s bonkers I know and I had good advice on AIBU. I need to break it off, but knowing me I will be talked around and end up feeling unreasonable. Any advice ?

OP posts:
Wedoronron · 02/04/2023 23:49

What do you mean by sleeping together? Sex or shared bedroom?

Original poster
Lula68 · 02/04/2023 23:50

They were having sex post divorce

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/04/2023 23:52

If you mean he was shagging his wife both divorce, then I see you wouldn’t want him staying in her house.

If you know it won’t change then you have to leave. What’s stopping you?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/04/2023 23:55

Are you sure they are divorced?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 23:56

You posted this yesterday I think. You wanted to be a mum to them? Were the replies you had not helpful?

Original poster
Lula68 · 02/04/2023 23:59

Of course I am a loving person. But I had lots of talks with friends and strangers. And I am ready to finish it but read the comment and try to be kind. I’m already having a shitty time in my own head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula68 · 03/04/2023 00:00

My low self esteem - fear of being alone forever

OP posts:
Redglitter · 03/04/2023 00:05

Being alone isn't the end of the world and it's a damn sight better being in a relationship where you don't trust your partner

It's sad how many people think they have to be in a relationship to be happy or complete

Elieza · 03/04/2023 02:59

Sounds like they’re friends with benefits.

Sod that.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 09:02

Would it matter of you were alone forever?

Surely even that would be preferable to this.

Happygirl79 · 03/04/2023 09:18

No way I would put up with a partner like that. So disrespectful.

jemimapuddlepluck · 03/04/2023 09:28

WTF I've already wrote on a thread identical to this, what are you doing OP? Look, if you don't want to split up, accept it. They act like a family in more ways than one while he's over there. I remember commenting that you sounded frantic in your need to get his kids over here, im assuming to put a stop to him and his ex wife sleeping together. If you choose to stay I suggest you work on ways to just accept this is how it is.

jemimapuddlepluck · 03/04/2023 09:30

I don't think you will end this OP and it will wreck your mental health.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2023 09:40

Who’s not being kind? It might be helpful to people taking the time to offer you advice on here to know you had loads of replies on your other thread before they invest too much.

Pseudonamed · 03/04/2023 09:51

You are the other woman unfortunately. They are still playing happy families and the kids dont even know they are divorced. Crazy.

There are worse things than being single op.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 09:52

Lula68 · 03/04/2023 00:00

My low self esteem - fear of being alone forever

That's on you, I'm afraid.

Sounds harsh but if you tolerate someone treating you like shit then, well, they're gonna treat you like shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheDogthatDug · 03/04/2023 10:39

You've already posted about this on another thread. You need to accept that he's sleeping with the ex wife when he sees her and you are the OW or work on your self esteem and ditch him. Forget about the fantasy in your other thread of being a perfect stepmum to his kids. I think ditching him and working on your self esteem would be the better option.

supercali77 · 03/04/2023 11:19

Self esteem is a funny one, I think people (myself included) with historically low self esteem believe those with higher self esteem just - have it? And it doesn't hurt them quite as badly to make the hard choices. But what I found in my 40s (finally!) was that it's the other way round. You gain self esteem when you make the very hard choices, in support of your own best interests. It builds the feeling of having your own back, being capable, keeping promises to yourself...it feels counter intuitive but the other option is holding on hoping that this time to other person IS decent, will treat you well, isn't lying etc. And generally speaking you slide further into losing your sense of capability. It's hard when the esteem hits the floor, because we'll take crumbs to try and shore it up, but the decisive act for your own benefit that says 'I'm worth more than this' is the proof to yourself that you are.

perfectcolourfound · 03/04/2023 12:19

Why are you frightend of being single? Why do you think that being with a man who sleeps with someone else and lies to you, is preferable to being alone?

I would choose single every single time.

And, if you really want to be in a couple, if you're single that's an option for you. Whereas right now you're stuck with a loser who doesn't respect you and isn't faithful to you.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 12:21

You gain self esteem when you make the very hard choices, in support of your own best interests

This is so true!

Exl · 03/04/2023 12:23

supercali77 · 03/04/2023 11:19

Self esteem is a funny one, I think people (myself included) with historically low self esteem believe those with higher self esteem just - have it? And it doesn't hurt them quite as badly to make the hard choices. But what I found in my 40s (finally!) was that it's the other way round. You gain self esteem when you make the very hard choices, in support of your own best interests. It builds the feeling of having your own back, being capable, keeping promises to yourself...it feels counter intuitive but the other option is holding on hoping that this time to other person IS decent, will treat you well, isn't lying etc. And generally speaking you slide further into losing your sense of capability. It's hard when the esteem hits the floor, because we'll take crumbs to try and shore it up, but the decisive act for your own benefit that says 'I'm worth more than this' is the proof to yourself that you are.

This is good advice.

OP all you need to know is that he divorced the mother of his kids without telling them, then carried on shagging her. That is fucked up and not the behaviour of a good man.

Original poster
Lula68 · 03/04/2023 13:08

Yes but I have ADHD and sometimes I need to constantly pour over it. It’s like a hyper fixation. And I’m not sure how this works? So following advice yesterday ( and here) I‘ve just booked in with a therapist ( as advised ) and will work on my self esteem issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula68 · 03/04/2023 13:13

I posted on two places - had good advice and this is so true. I have just booked my fist session with a therapist ( specialising on ADHD) we have poor self esteem because all my life I heard.- sit down , don’t talk, no one’s interested , why can’t you be more like your sister, just be normal or no one will want you. And more since I can remember. I have my boys but all failed relationships with men . So I am taking this advice - and getting some help with it. I’m a disaster area seriously.

OP posts:
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