It's my dads birthday today..

[BelleSauvage9]

A big birthday.

We haven't spoken for 4 and a half years now. Part of me would like to call him and wish him a happy birthday. I don't even know his phone number anymore and he doesn't have social media. I sometimes speak to my sm, just to wish her a happy Christmas or happy Mother's Day. Messaged her a few months back to inform her/them of my engagement and pregnancy.

I feel so stuck sometimes. I know I could try and contact him and we might start having contact again. But I feel like the only purpose of that really is so I don't feel like my dad is missing from my life and I fear regret and sadness when he's not here anymore, not because he actually brings anything to my life. He's been emotionally abusive my whole life (physically abusive in my childhood but nothing too extreme). He's misogynistic and a narcissist who always made it clear that my brother was his favourite (db died 7 years ago). I stopped having contact because he started making comments to my young dd that were very reminiscent of comments he made to me as a child that affected my self esteem to this day.

I didn't actually initially stop contact, just warned him that if it happened again then I would stop contact. Rather than accepting this he reacted aggressively and gaslighted me so I just left it at that and we haven't spoken a word since.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I just feel sad that he doesn't care that we have no relationship anymore. I feel sad that he's not met dd2 and won't meet dc3 (even though it may be better for them that they never do). I don't understand why I mean so little that he can't put his stubbornness aside and contact me. Apologise. Try to be a half decent dad. It's just shit. I'm one of the most understanding, forgiving people I know, if he'd just try I'd move on and be in his life. But he doesn't care that I'm not and it hurts.

I'm so sorry to all of the other people who've had similar experiences (or worse) with their parents 💐 and since I won't say it anywhere else and would like to get it out of my head, happy birthday dad x

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad but you know the NC is to protect your children.
I did the same, my parents were so awful about me, lying to relatives. Some of the things were so ridiculous I should laugh — but they persuaded a beloved godmother to cut contact with me and cut me out of her Will. Obviously the things they were saying were going to affect my children so NC it had to be. They’re both dead now and I have no regrets. I protected my own well being and my children , that was my job.
Even though it’s your father’s birthday treat yourself to something nice, some flowers, chocolates, doesn’t need to be extravagant.
Congratulations on baby 3. I hope all goes well for you.

Thanks @Justmeandthedog1

I'm sorry you couldn't have a good relationship with your parents, but I'm happy for you that you're at peace with no regrets 😊

OP, you did exactly the right thing and you're doing the right thing for your DC too. People like your father do not change, mellow with age or lose their abusive, misogynistic views. They are so arrogant and narcissistic that it wouldn't enter their mind to acknowledge or apologise for their behaviour. To them, they have done nothing wrong and no manner of discussion will change their mind.
That doesn't help your feelings of sadness, confusion and rejection (and I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right on right now), but please remind yourself that you never deserved to be subjected to this type of behaviour, as a child or adult, and you were strong enough to recognise he would never change and had the courage to cut him off. It is sad your DC will never have the GD they deserve (well, not this GD anyway), but imagine what comments, opinions and behaviour they would have to endure if he was allowed into their lives. They simply don't need this kind of toxicity in their lives.
You are doing something that your dad never did, putting your children's wellbeing first.

maybe a way to honour it could be to write him a heartfelt letter, saying everything you want to say, that you've said in your OP in a kind but clear way.

Then throw it away or burn it or something.

Sometimes I feel like we have to express our thoughts, and on paper is a great way of doing that. You can wish him a happy birthday but also put the reasons you can't see him or add that you're sad he's not in your life in the way that you want at the moment. It could be cathartic for you to do so and help you gain more insight and clarity over the situation. You might shed a few tears and that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

Thank you, I appreciate the validation.

I may read back over your words to remind myself in the future @Gingergirl70 😊

@greenlychee I have actually written a few over the years (never sent). Perhaps I should write another. And more any time I'm struggling so I can get the feelings out somewhere.

I wonder if in part the reason I can't quite make peace with it is because I've never decided I'll never make contact so it's always there as a possibility, a choice I could make any time. Which leaves me to think (when I think of him) that I could try to contact him and wonder if I should. I'm not sure that makes proper sense! I guess I just mean that maybe if I tell myself that I'll never contact him, and just deal with the situation if he ever decides to contact me, maybe then I'll be able to put it to rest. I'll have already made my decision, without it being kind of 'open' to choosing differently at any moment.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your father rather than the one you actually got.

If he is too difficult for you to deal with and is otherwise abusive it will be the same deal for your kids too. They do not need or warrant such a toxic figure in their lives.

None of the abuse he inflicted upon you was your fault, that is all on him. You may find contacting NAPAC also helpful.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat, I suppose that grieving is an ongoing process, and occasions like yesterday are things that continue that process. I'll look into napac, thanks for the signpost 👍

I've been nc with my mother for 11 years.

It was a decision I made to keep myself and my children safe (the police and ss were briefly involved which made it easier to know I was doing the right thing).

Wanting to wish your dad a happy birthday is an emotional response to not having the dad you deserved. More you want to wish your dad a happy birthday than your dad. If that makes sense.

Well done for doing the right thing for yourself and your children