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Original poster

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A DP/DH THAT SMOKES WEED EVERYDAY?

45 replies

snuffler · 13/02/2008 19:43

I dont want to get into the ins and outs of our relationship, but my dp smokes weed every single day. In fact, he ran out on Monday, and could only go one night without any, and has now gone to his friends house to get some more.
When I first got with him, he smoked weed a hell of a lot more than he does now, maybe once every couple of hours, but now, its just once, at night, after dc is in bed. I still feel this is too much, especially as he has a history of quite bad depression.
Every night he goes and sits in the garage (which is where he smokes) for about half an hour, sometimes more, and that reall annoys me too.
Is this a pretty normal thing or is it too much? And is it wrong of me to want him to stop, because I knew he smoked it when I got with him?

OP posts:
queenrollo · 13/02/2008 19:48

my ex smoked every day, but very heavily. it was a factor in our relationship breakdown, because he did it as an escape mechanism from the issues we had.

it doesn't seem that much to me, but maybe that's because i was used to someone with a much heavier habit than that.

however, if it is bothering you then i think you need to talk it through with him properly.

Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 19:52

Iv tried that, but hes adamant that he'll never stop, and that I should be grateful its only once a day, instead of all day like he used to.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 13/02/2008 19:54

Message withdrawn

policywonk · 13/02/2008 20:01

A lot of people with mental health problems self-medicate with mood-altering substances like cannabis or alcohol. (I'm not saying that this makes it the right thing to do, but it is very common and it might be a good idea for you to bear this in mind.)

Your DP is unlikely to stop his habit unless he wants to. From what you've described, he's not a heavy smoker, so it's comparable to him having a stiff drink every night- would that bother you as much?

I'd guess he smokes it in the garage because it's not a good idea to smoke in the house with the kids around.

I can see why you might find it annoying, but realistically I think you'd be best advised to leave him to it - don't pretend you approve, but don't make a fuss about it either. He'll stop if and when he wants to, not because you want him to.

pedilia · 13/02/2008 20:03

My ex smoked every day, he was a nightmare anyway but weed made him a lot worse. It made him lethargic and tired all the time and quite frankly pissed me off!

MF- No weed cannot cause depression but it can kickstart underlying problems which may have been undetected previoulsy, heavy and/or prolonged use have been proven to cause this.

When smoked with nicotine it becomes physically addictive, the actual weed becomes psycologicaly addictive, yes people use it to unwind but like alchol it can become a crutch.

Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 20:04

Thanks everyone
PW - He smokes in the garage because I make him - he'd smoke round dc, but I hate it, and would never allow it round my children.

Maybe Iv been over-reating then?

OP posts:
Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 20:06

Pedilia - I didnt know that - that its addictive when smoked with nicotine. My dp smokes roll-ups.

OP posts:
sherby · 13/02/2008 20:06

DP gave up at new year.

Before that he smoked everyday as soon as the DC were in bed. He went outside in the garage too.

At first it was not a problem but eventually it became more and more and I found out he had started smoking in the mornings. The paranoia started to get quite bad and obviously he was way overeating because of how much he was smoking.

He has lost 2 stone already! And the paranoia is gone.

policywonk · 13/02/2008 20:09

snuffler - it's not so much over-reacting, it's that you'll never get someone to stop taking a substance to which they are addicted by nagging them - if anything you'll make them dig their feet in. Tyr saying nowt about it for three months and see whether it makes a difference.

What I would do - and did do when DP was still smoking - was take the amount he spent on tobacco per month (about £70) and spend it on a treat for myself. If he ever made a 'new shoes again?'-type comment, I'd just say: 'You can complain about my buying clothes when you've stopped smoking.'

Don't know whether this would work in your case (it helps if you have a joint account!) but it made me feel a lot less frustrated.

Milkycheeks · 13/02/2008 20:12

My dh only has one a day now after dd is in bed - he smokes outside. He's cut right back & keeps trying to stop completely - think once we have more kids, smoking won't be such a viable option, more of an occasional treat.

Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 20:25

PW - thats somethig iv thought about doing, but were REALLY struggling for money atm. And i mean - if neither of us spent ANYTHING all month - we still wouldnt have enough to pay bills and mortgage, so i cant really take any money out.
i dont smoke / drink, and have a baby due in a few months.

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 13/02/2008 20:32

Message withdrawn

givemehope · 13/02/2008 20:37

At least he's cut down and waits til baby is in bed - you probably have to give him some credit for this. I think it can be very addictive - but others are right, he probably won't stop until he wants to. Understand how you feel though - it's not very social (for you). I used to find communicating with my XP pretty impossible at times as he'd get paranoid and misinterpret things I said (he was stoned all day every day though).

Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 20:42

givemehope - that sounds like me. i hate when he comes in, and he stinks, and i can smell it on his breath all night. it just seems to come before anything .
if one of his friends nips round, just to smoke weed, i might add, he'll drop anything hes doing with me / dc and go and sit in the garage for ages with them. this doesnt bother me too much, until were having a cosy night - video, pj's etc.

OP posts:
SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 20:55

you have my symapthy.

everyone i klnew growing up was a (weed) smoker, and so was i from age 13 onwards...

i honestly beleive that some people metabolise it differently to others. and some people have different dependencies.

i know people who smoke every day and are still pretty active people. i actually, in the grand scheme, consider myself lucky that im not one of those; if i have even a puff i am bloody useless for hours and hours and get v antisocial and a bit paranoid tbh. if i had one, i might as well smoke all night, same result for me. i dont enjoy it at all (what with the uselessness and paranoia, like)... and it took me years to work that out! but i did work it out and now i dont do it.

the prob with stopping is that its difficult not to partake wehn others do. and when you are a smoker, most likely everyone you know is also a smoker. so waht do you do? drop all your friends? and even family in my case? not really gonna work is it?

i moved to australia for a year. thats what broke the cycle for me. bit drastic if thats the sole intention, but it did work!

my db is a daily smoker. at 15 years of age he was so addicted (no matter what people say about it not being addictive) that i asked him for a puff one night, just one puff, and he replied that he only had an eighth for the night so he couldnt spare it. this was already 11pm and he was alone. he smokes every single day of his life and every area of it suffers imo. he is now 28... i am hoping that him being in Oz, on the other side of the world from his network will help him shrug it off... remains to be seen.

dunno if any of that is any help at all, but it seemed relevent to share...

Original poster
snuffler · 13/02/2008 21:03

SL thanks, thats a really good post.I think it definately is addictive. i did try and get him to stop, and he did for a couple of weeks, but he went to his friends every night to smoke theirs! he loves weed, and says its the only pleasure he has (aswell as fags.)
I feel a little better about it now, as I thought it was FAR too much, but maybe not.
I dont smoke weed. I tried it a ouple of times (and i mean 'couple', quite literally) , but it doesnt agree with me, and i wouldnt smoke it now even if it did.

I just think its sad that the only reason he or his friends ever see each other, is because of weed - ie buying/selling or smoking together. If they all stopped smoking weed, i doubt theyd ever see each other again.

OP posts:
policywonk · 13/02/2008 21:12

snuffler, I think you're entitled to be pissed off at him saying it's the only good thing in his life - cheeky bastard! Plus, it's rude of him to abandon you and the children if his friends come over.

If I was you I'd be telling him that these comments/behaviour were out of order, rather than the smoking itself, if you see what I mean - don't make a song and dance about the smoking, but do make a song and dance about him being rude, or abandoning family time to bugger off with his friends. Let him join the dots (between these things and his smoking) for himself.

Agree with others who have said it can be highly addictive - I was definitely dependent on it for a long time, and it took getting pregnant to make me stop.

notnowbernard · 13/02/2008 21:18

Dp will have a smoke at night, once the kids are in bed. This will involve a 'one-skin' joint. To me, it is akin to me having a glass of wine when the dds are in bed.

I personally feel it's more about his addiction to nicotine. He doesn't smoke fags or roll-ups anymore (stopped when dd1 was born) but he just can't cut the cord completely!

I can't say I notice the difference... I mean, I wouldn't be able to tell if he'd smoked or not.

givemehope · 13/02/2008 21:19

Also, however nice or much fun it is getting stoned - it's really boring to be with someone who is when you're not (anymore). You end up being on completely different wavelengths I think.
Have you got friends you could call or have over when he's 'in the garage' (know it's probably hard for you to get out right now)? Make sure you're getting some company and support. x

SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 21:26

notnowbernard - that sounds like a perfectly good balance between reality and relaxation iyam. much like my parents were (as far as i could tell!)

sadly it encroaches on life FAR more for some.

notnowbernard · 13/02/2008 21:35

Sappy - I believe cannabis is as addictive to some people as booze is to others. Or any substance, for that matter.

I think the talk of it being a 'soft' drug is a load of shite, tbh. As you explained very well yourself.

Glad your life is sorted now

SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 21:41

agree 100& notnowbernard (which was star book of my scholl when it came out in 1982?3? )

and thanks

SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 21:42

was a great scholl, my scholl.

pmsl...

notnowbernard · 13/02/2008 21:43

You see, too much dope...

CoteDAzur · 13/02/2008 21:59

My sympathies with OP. Ex-boyfriend smoked every night. I would have a few puffs so as not to be on different wavelengths. Cue in lots and lots of nights slumped on couch, staring at TV. Headache. Impossible to wake up in the morning. And I didn't dream for a year

It is pretty 'normal' (as in lots of people do it) but quite unpleasant, especially if you are not interested in it yourself.