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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags friend's relationship

3 replies

Slpn · 02/04/2023 17:03

I'm wondering whether we're seeing red flags in our family members relationship when we shouldn't.
She has had some tricky relationships in the past, often taken advantage of and definitely some have been controlling partners.
She met someone online 6 months ago and has become quite isolated from friends and family.
The partner has no friends or family or so he says. Possibly some friends but not local and no plans to ever see them.
No social media (often helps to have a quick look when concerned but can't in this instance)
Has shown a few controlling type behaviours.
He is supposedly studying but has said they aren't happy with their results this year so going to take the year again and have dropped out until next September. Apparently that's ok to do with a student loan.

They want to move in together but we feel it's too fast given not much is really known about him. They are in their early 30s, she has a great job and he is doing a student type job whilst studying.
She is smitten and can't see any issues.
Just to add we haven't said anything directly to her yet.

Any advice? Or should we just stand back and hope for the best

OP posts:

SpinningFloppa · 02/04/2023 17:31

Nothing you can do.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 02/04/2023 17:38

All you might be able to suggest is that she insists on meeting his family before they move in together, and that they talk about respective financial responsibilities, i.e. equal shares of rent, utilities, food etc.

Pinkbonbon · 02/04/2023 17:50

I'd ask her what the hurry is? ' It's great to have a new fella but until you've known them a while, its a bit mad to move in with them'.

How does he intend to pay his share? I'd tell her to make sure she knows he has and can hold down a job first.

'It's OK for you to ask these questions you know. And to say no to moving in together if you don't like the answers'.

'Dont assume 2 can live cheap as cheap as one. Certainly not if you're the one paying for you both. Take no chances'.

'Often abusive men don't show their true colours until they move in or knock you up. Hold off till the year mark. I'm sure he is lovely. But you just never know when someone might turn out to be batshit. So probably wise not to rush to move in with them so soon'.

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