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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

long lost daughter

21 replies

Frenchgooner67 · 02/04/2023 13:51

I have been contacted by my long lost daughter who started looking for me last year. She is 35 and wanted to know about her heritage and history. we have exchanged messages and she wants to meet me, which i am ok with. However i have 2 other children, 26 and 22, and i feel i should tell them of this. I have never mentioned it, but feel they have a right to know. Would you tell them, and any advice as to how. I'm male if that matters.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2023 14:01

Yes tell them. Arguably you should have before now - and they may well ask why you didn’t. She is their half-sister after all. I’d sit them down and just be honest about the situation, and answer any questions honestly.

MyriadOfTravels · 02/04/2023 14:30

i think my answer would depend a lot in why you didn’t see your dd for all those years.

eg you never i knew about her - tell them and explain. They’ll be as shocked as you.
you knew but the mum decided to move away to stop all contact. Not in the birth certificate. No way to contact blablabla. Ok
you knew and it was an affair and you decided to walk away from your child. Very different situation. This would be like a bomb had exploded in your other dcs lives tbh.

MyriadOfTravels · 02/04/2023 14:31

Also I’d be ready fur the fact they might not want to have anything to do with her.

Dery · 02/04/2023 14:49

I don’t really see why they should decide they don’t want anything to do with her - she’s a lot older which tells them you weren’t off fathering her when you were with their mother and making a family with her.

I also don’t think this needs to be treated as a very negative thing. My mum discovered an older half-brother when she was in her teens. Her dad had been married before; her mum hadn’t. The son was from the first marriage which had broken down. This was all going on during the war when my grandfather was away for several years and the son/half-brother stayed with his mum. He was in his 20s and married when a chance meeting with my grandfather brought them back together and he was welcomed into the family and going forward very much part of it. My mum and her full brother really liked him and his wife; he really liked them. Maybe there were some bumps to iron out to start with but the family quickly got to a good place about it.

Hillrunning · 02/04/2023 14:52

As the others say, your children's reaction and how it might impact thema nd their relationship with you very much depends on the circumstances of why you were not in contact.

something2say · 02/04/2023 14:56

I think....

Every now and then in life, a big wrong is turned over into right. I am in favour of this happening.

So, there is an important part of your life and your daughter's life that is turning over into good. That seems a very natural and healing thing.

How to explain it? With the simple truth. Your other children are not young now so they will hopefully assimilate the change perspective of you and your life and not feel too hurt or sidelined by the news. You are not solely theirs anymore, that may be their perspective. It is not ideal, but that's life. I would just tell them the truth and all witness a good and right thing coming to pass, which is the building of a father daughter relationship.

80s · 02/04/2023 15:17

Probably best to tell them as soon as possible. If they find out that you've been communicating with her and not mentioned it to them, that could potentially feel hurtful. Not mentioning something that happened ten years before their birth and seemed to be purely a thing of the past is slightly more understandable.

PegasusReturns · 02/04/2023 15:19

Yes you should tell your daughters.

how they respond it’s going to very much depend on the circumstances but be prepared for them to be upset/angry

GreenLeopard1 · 02/04/2023 15:25

Depends on why you haven’t seen long lost daughter to be honest, as others have said - it will make a big difference when telling your other daughters.

OrlandointheWilderness · 02/04/2023 15:25

Completely agree with @something2say

LakeTiticaca · 02/04/2023 15:53

Tell them. My cousin gave up a baby son for adoption 40 odd years ago and she received communication from him and before they arranged to meet she told her 2 daughters. They were delighted to find they had an older brother and welcomed him into the family. They don't see so much of him as he now lives abroad but they keep in contact.
I hope it works out for you, if it doesn't at leat you have tried .
Good luck xx

Ooonafoo · 02/04/2023 16:00

Are you the DF or DM?

If DF and currently with the DM of the younger two - does she know about your other DD?

Take it slow - this new relationship might just be 1 to 1 for now - don’t conflate it with others - people get there or not in their own time.

How are you feeling about it?

I was contacted recently by a half sister from my DF before he met my DM (now both dead) and I am delighted - some of my siblings aren’t there yet….,

KingandIfan · 02/04/2023 16:36

I have been in your position and told my other children. I think you should.

Original poster

Frenchgooner67 · 02/04/2023 20:06

This happened when i was an immature 20 year old, in a short term relationship. When told i was initially supportive, but the girls parents were very angry and basically told me they would take over and to go and not have any involvement. They were quite rich and very intimidating towards me, and i felt i could not challenge this. I lacked world experience, and due to my immaturity i accepted the situation, almost with a sense of relief if i'm being honest. i have thought of her over the years, and had hoped she would contact me at some point, im glad she has, but now nervous as to how it will impact my 2 others kids (22 and 26)

OP posts:

nc13467 · 02/04/2023 21:54

we have exchanged messages and she wants to meet me, which i am ok with.

You are ok with it??! How very noble if you to be okay with it 🙄

Have you got no idea how lucky you are that she even wants the slightest thing to do pstg her dad how walked out her life and completely abandoned her. You should count yourself lucky that she's even willing to breath the same air as you but your whole message reads as if, even now, it's an inconvenience for you but it's something you feel like you should do (ie you've been sitting back doing nothing for 35 years hoping she'd contact you).

You should be grabbing the opportunity with both hands and going out your way to grovel for forgiveness and trying to forge any sort of relationship you can. But no, it's all "poor me"

Weallgottachangesometime · 02/04/2023 21:58

Yea of course tell your children.
They deserve to know they have another sibling. I think from now on try to be as honest as possible, including about why you didn’t tell them.

It is so brave of your daughter to have made contact. I really hope that you manage to meet and that it goes well. I am sure there will be difficult and emotional parts of meeting, but you might be able to reach a place where you have a comfortable relationship. How wonderful would it be if your children also manage to find a good connection too.

LBFseBrom · 02/04/2023 22:07

I think your younger two children will be delighted to meet their older sister. Good luck.

username1722 · 03/04/2023 22:15

You were young, and the situation was forced out of your hands. You haven't done anything wrong. Perhaps you should have mentioned this to your children earlier though. However, at the ages of 22 and 26, I am sure they will be able to handle the news maturely and they will probably be really excited to meet their older sister.

Whatever you do, don't hold off telling them. For the first meet though, maybe go by yourself so your daughter does not feel overwhelmed by meeting everyone all at once.

Good luck and I hope this all works out for you. Please do update us if you feel able to!

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 03/04/2023 22:41

You should definitely tell your DC's. I would not attack/blame her grandparents, if she is close to them you could damage your relationship with her before it has begun. She knows them she doesn't know you. Own your part in this and show remorse, and gratitude that she has reached out to you. Whilst you were a 20 year old then, 35 years have lapsed since and at no point did you initiate contact, she has been left to do that.

I hope you have many happy, memory making years ahead of you.

Ikeatears · 03/04/2023 23:27

I am a long lost daughter. My bf (birth father) ignored all attempts at contact so, eventually, I contacted my half brothers. They've been wonderful. We're a year in to building a relationship and one is a bit sporadic in his contact (he's like that with all the family) but the other is very much my brother. We're involved with each other's families and text/meet up regularly. He's been a blessing in my life and I've been told by all the wider family that the feeling is mutual.
I met my bf for the first time yesterday at my brother's house. It was an accidental meeting and it was terrifying but went ok. There are now no more secrets. No more feeling anxious that we may bump into one another.
Be honest with your daughters. They will decide how they want to proceed but that's between them and their sister.
My brothers are angry with my bf that he hid my existence for 3 years (he didn't know about me until 4 years ago). They felt we'd all been cheated of the opportunity to know each other sooner.

Ikeatears · 03/04/2023 23:33

Sorry, don't know what I assumed your other two dc were daughters (not that it matters - my opinion still stands).
I wish you all well, it's not easy to navigate but you do have the time and opportunity to give your dc a chance to develop a relationship.

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