Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I am the problem

27 replies

ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 10:58

Been with BF 2.5 years, currently live together.
We were at a wedding reception and the plan was for me to drive there and back so BF could have a drink as it was his friends getting married. 2 drinks in and I say I’m abit gutted I drove and we discussed getting a taxi back. After BF had 2 drinks he said he didn’t feel great so would drive back so I had in total 4 glasses of wine plus 2 soft drinks. Wedding was lovely, stop off for some food on the way home, so far so good.
when we got home we started discussing what would happen if we got married (I’ve always said I’d like to elope and then have a party) we often bat around ideas of what we’d do. He then starts saying he doesn’t see the point in paying for some food and drink for people to come to a party and offers up an alternative 4 week holiday where we get married but no celebration after. I got teary as I feel like he’s on board with the plan we’d mentioned (eloping and party) until he’s not. For context, he’s divorced and had a big white wedding previously.
we were at home, no shouting or swearing and having what I thought was a discussion. I said I’d find it hard to get excited about planning a part etc that he didn’t see the point in. I went to go outside and I heard him mutter something about me having a bottle of wine.
he goes up to bed and I go up later.

next day I get up to go out and he’s in bed, I said goodbye etc, come back and he’s still in bed, I offer him food, tea to which he says no. He then spent until 8pm in bed whilst I was downstairs just pottering about. He gets up and comes downstairs but still no speaking to each other, I asked if he was okay and got the cold shoulder
I go up to bed later and he sleeps in the spare room.

this morning were both up and he starts getting ready. Gets a call from his friend to go for breakfast but I’m still in pjs etc, he then leaves. 15mins later I get a call to which he says ‘you can come to friends house and we can pretend everything’s okay or if you don’t I’m telling said friends you have a drinking problem’. I said I was nowhere near ready and his ultimatum is stupid, I don’t have a drinking problem. He then recounts our marriage discussion from the other night with a completely different version and accuses me of gaslighting him.

I have no idea where to go from here

OP posts:
SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 02/04/2023 11:01

It all sounds very childish and pathetic. Why did he stay in bed until 8pm? Would it matter how/when/where you got married? The important thing is wanting to commit to each other, isn't it? Neither of you sounds mature enough anyway.

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 11:12

I wouldn't marry him now.

Honestly I would tell him he ever tried to pull the staying in bed, cold shoulder, I will tell everyone you have a drinking problem if you don't do what I say shit ever again and there won't be a relationship never mind a wedding.

Come on OP, it's a new-ish relationship are you going to put up with moody boots, wants to punish you for god knows how long over having a bit of wine. This isn't love you know.

I would be defiant. I would say well I will tell friends that I may have a drinking problem but at least I don't sulk in bed all day and give a cold shoulder like a moody teenager. You want our relationship all out in the open well I can assure you it won't just be my behaviour that hung out to dry. Do you understand me?

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 11:13

He is trying to public shame you into behaving.

This is a warning OP.

nc13467 · 02/04/2023 11:15

What is his version of what happened after the wedding when you got home?

Original poster
ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 11:58

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 11:12

I wouldn't marry him now.

Honestly I would tell him he ever tried to pull the staying in bed, cold shoulder, I will tell everyone you have a drinking problem if you don't do what I say shit ever again and there won't be a relationship never mind a wedding.

Come on OP, it's a new-ish relationship are you going to put up with moody boots, wants to punish you for god knows how long over having a bit of wine. This isn't love you know.

I would be defiant. I would say well I will tell friends that I may have a drinking problem but at least I don't sulk in bed all day and give a cold shoulder like a moody teenager. You want our relationship all out in the open well I can assure you it won't just be my behaviour that hung out to dry. Do you understand me?

I think my main problem is, I don’t have a drinking problem so wouldn’t want to ‘own up’ to something I don’t have. For context the last time we both drank was together at a weekend event where we both definitely put away the alcohol and had no issues at all.

i think he feels he has the upper hand because yes I did drink some wine so therefore I ‘can’t remember’ as I was drunk .. or so he says

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 11:59

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 11:13

He is trying to public shame you into behaving.

This is a warning OP.

This is the vibe I’m getting too as he obviously knows I wouldn’t want that said about me

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 12:00

nc13467 · 02/04/2023 11:15

What is his version of what happened after the wedding when you got home?

I became abusive because I was drunk and that’s why I can’t remember his version on how the conversation went.

if I was drunk, screaming, swearing and kicking off I’d own up to it and say I was but I genuinely wasn’t

I’m kicking myself for even having a drink now because if I hadn’t, he wouldn’t be able to say his version of the story was right and I couldn’t remember because I’d had a drink

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 02/04/2023 12:03

This all sounds ridiculous tbh. The getting teary over him not agreeing with the potential wedding plan was daft, if you are discussing hypothetical things then generally it isn't worth getting your knickers in a twist!
His reaction seems daft too, but I don't entirely know how much of an accurate picture we are getting here. Do you drink on a regular basis?

Original poster
ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 12:05

OrlandointheWilderness · 02/04/2023 12:03

This all sounds ridiculous tbh. The getting teary over him not agreeing with the potential wedding plan was daft, if you are discussing hypothetical things then generally it isn't worth getting your knickers in a twist!
His reaction seems daft too, but I don't entirely know how much of an accurate picture we are getting here. Do you drink on a regular basis?

When I say I was getting teary, I was frustrated that I felt not listened too and having my ideas batted down

I wouldn’t say I drink regularly at all. The last alcoholic drink I had was 4 weeks ago when we were away for the weekend (both drinking together and no issues) and a week before that again together at a restaurant where I had 3 beers.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 02/04/2023 12:10

Oh in that case he's being a drama lama dick then. I would be bloody less than impressed and I certainly wouldn't be thinking of marriage, eloping or holiday!

ChristmasFluff · 02/04/2023 13:04

He's been giving you the silent treatment and now he is smearing you to his friends because you won't do as he says and go over and play happy.

The argument is of no consequence really, compared to the abuse ever since. And that's what this is - abuse.

This man is emotionally abusive. Do not marry him and take a look at the Women's Aid website, read up on emotional abuse etc.

I would leave, no question.

Bananalanacake · 02/04/2023 16:08

Why live with him, live on your own and see him once a week, then you can do what you want.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 02/04/2023 16:16

I get a call to which he says ‘you can come to friends house and we can pretend everything’s okay or if you don’t I’m telling said friends you have a drinking problem’

FFS don't marry this man.
He is manipulative, melodramatic, controlling & a bit of a dimwit.

I’m kicking myself for even having a drink now because if I hadn’t, he wouldn’t be able to say his version of the story was right and I couldn’t remember because I’d had a drink.
He's already gaslighting you.
It doesn't matter what happened that night, or what you remember. What matters is he is controlling & blackmailing you.

DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN it will get worse. This kind of control always does.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life second-guessing yourself, & complying with his toxic version of events in case he bad-mouths you to friends?

twolilacs · 02/04/2023 16:18

Well. This is your wake-up call.

If he can even contemplate deliberately shaming you in front of friends, let alone actually carry out his threat, then what else might he decide to do in the future when he's got a strop on? Do you really want to marry this person?

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 16:26

ChocolateSprinkles1 · 02/04/2023 11:59

This is the vibe I’m getting too as he obviously knows I wouldn’t want that said about me

Show quote history

If he says it he says it OP.

Externally at least you need to be prepared, I would retort with "state of the world right now, and parts of my life if we are all being honest at the moment I'm surprised I didn't have two bottles"

You have to own it so go bigger, unashamed, no matter how untrue it is.

And you know perhaps think about removing him from your living situation and distancing yourself.

frozendaisy · 02/04/2023 16:28

And now at least you need never get upset about your future wedding again because that's not going to happen now.

So one less thing to think about.

And stop doing any domestic chores for him, he wants to ignore you, well you can ignore him back.

Sunnydays0101 · 02/04/2023 16:32

Don’t marry him, there’s obviously a good reason he’s divorced.

Dery · 02/04/2023 17:30

I do wonder if you were more drunk than you realised if you got tearful in the conversation you were having but he sounds tricky and manipulative and not very nice.

WhisperGold · 02/04/2023 17:50

Blackmail, gaslight, silent treatment. I'd say he was the problem.

WatieKatie · 02/04/2023 18:56

I’m not saying this has happened with you however I used to work with a lady who was early 30s at the time. She was such a lovely person, very kind and popular with colleagues. However whenever she had a drink she turned spiteful and said the most vile things, including once to me. The next day she was mortified, had no recollection of what she’d said, absolutely none.

CheekyHobson · 03/04/2023 09:48

I’m kicking myself for even having a drink now because if I hadn’t, he wouldn’t be able to say his version of the story was right and I couldn’t remember because I’d had a drink

Abusive people are shameless in how they rewrite history and twist what happened to suit themselves. He's said it was because you were drinking but he could have just as easily said his version was right because you were tired, or because you were upset and not thinking straight. Four drinks plus two soft drinks and food and a drive home isn't going to leave anyone in a state that's so blotto they don't know what they're saying, and nobody is likely to unreservedly believe that unless they're biased.

You can't stop him from saying what he wants, to whoever he wants, even if it's groundless. My abusive ex was quite prepared to outright lie about me to make himself look like a victim and me look awful. He didn't even care that I could prove him wrong... he knew I wasn't going to spend my time awkwardly chasing down people who were more his friends than mine to wave proof that they weren't interested in seeing at them.

All you can do is hang onto your own knowledge of what really happened and take decisive action that reflects the fact that he's stonewalling you, lying about you and trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. That's no partner.

Vodkaislethal · 03/04/2023 09:52

This is seriously dysfunctional all round. You’re not even engaged and you’re sitting arguing about what the wedding will involve. You were crying with frustration and then he gave you the silent treatment and now seems to be trying to blackmail you.

none of it is good. I think both of you are the problem.

IfDreamsWereWings · 03/04/2023 09:58

Talking about marriage shouldn’t get heated or teary. It doesn’t sound as a couple you are ready for marriage. It could also be showing you a snapshot of how your future will be with him.

Watchkeys · 03/04/2023 13:53

I was frustrated that I felt not listened too and having my ideas batted down

Why would you even consider marrying somebody who makes you feel like this? And who sulks? And who threatens to publicly shame you?

A handy boundaries tip: don't stay in a relationship where you feel like you're 'the problem'.

You have identified that there is 'a problem', so whether you are it, or he is it, the relationship isn't making you happy. Even if it was you, what are you going to do about it? Be someone else? Healthy relationships are those between people who don't make problems between themselves. It's easier to see it without blame, sometimes. 'This isn't making me happy' is easier to accept and say than 'This is your/my fault', and it's all you need. We never need a pointing, blaming finger, even in extreme cases of wrong-doing. Not unless we're trying to prove something legally. Apart from that, 'I'm not happy so I'm leaving' will always be enough.

Whataretalkingabout · 03/04/2023 14:26

His behavior says it all. Abusive, lying, manipulative, gaslighting, sulking, silent treatment, black-mailer. What is there to be liked about this jerk?

Wake up OP! Get yourself rid of this loser asap. You deserve much much better!